change

In the scheme of things, this is a very, very minute detail in my life, but here it is.

I am switching from coffee to tea.

Not to say I won't enjoy a hot coffee with friends at a coffeehouse, or with my mom when she sleeps over and we both get up early.  But in my normal daily life, I am giving it up.  I add cream and sugar to my coffee, while I take tea black or with a bit of local honey.  I think the cream and sugar is a bad way to start my day, and only leads me towards more bad choices.

I have a very hard time giving things up.  Even when it's not working for me.  I don't know why I struggle so much with some things that are so easy for others.  Like losing 5 lbs.  I am so addicted to temporal things.

Every day of every week of every month of every year I think about my weight.  If you have read past blog posts on this subject, I have been pretty open with that area in my life.  I am open because I know I'm not the only one.  My dream job, since I was a teenager, would be working with people who are very obese, because in my mind there's not much difference between 225lbs and 525lbs.  It's excess, it's a stronghold, it's a burden.  And I get it, and I want to help.  But all these years later, I still haven't been able to help myself.

Something happens in the mind, I can not explain it to someone who doesn't have an addiction, but if you do, you understand.  You KNOW what you should and shouldn't do.  And yet when that - for lack of a better word - urge, comes over you, you indulge it.  "It" doesn't matter if it's a bagel or a cigarette or a drink.  You want it so much that all of the reasons to not have it, do not bear enough importance.  "It" causes damage, to the body, spirit and mind.  For me, my addiction to food makes me feel like a horrible person, and I know I'm not.  But that's how it makes me feel.

So because years have gone by and I've only been successful with losing weight a few times, I'm over it.  I'm over thinking about it, obsessing, counting, crying.  I'm over it.  I have to start so small, and not think about anything else but that one small thing.  Then maybe I can add one more small thing.  I'm not making any resolutions, because I never sustain them.  In 2014 I want health - physical, mental, spiritual.  I want health for me and for my family.  And making changes makes me overwhelmed, for I fear failure like it was a rabid beast.  So I'm starting really, really small.

One small thing.  Coffee to tea.