Kevin and I are in a small group comprised of several friends from church. We meet once a month and are currently studying the book, The Five Love Languages. Saturday evening it was our turn to host the group in our home. We have dinner first, and then go over a few chapters.
Well, as any woman knows, entertaining in your home means going on a cleaning blitz. Because Kevin is a good man, and he knew I was doing all of the shopping and cooking for what we were contributing to dinner, he helped me clean Saturday afternoon. At one point, he was vacuuming and I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom. The girls had been in and out of the house all afternoon, playing in the back yard because it was a nice day. The vacuum shut off, and I hear Taylor singing in her room. Something inside of me told me Bailey wasn't with her, because currently the bane of Bailey's existence is listening to her sister sing.
I go to Tate's room and ask, "where's Bailey?" Taylor said she didn't know. I start calling for Bailey, to no answer. Kevin starts calling. Our cries for her become more loud and desperate once we realize she's not outside either. Throughout the house we're screaming for her, yelling to come out RIGHT NOW. I was so scared she had gone outside, even though she knows she's not allowed out by herself. My mind immediately jumped to the whole "it only takes a second" and my heart felt like a million pounds in my chest.
Within a few minutes, we did find her - in the downstairs bathroom. I had forgotten that I asked her to clean it!! The fan in that tiny room is so loud that if the door is shut, you can't hear a thing. It startled her so much when I threw the door open and squeezed her to me, and I was so thankful she was safe.
I know I sound like a nutjob, and I know I felt like one. But that is one of my worst fears, if not my worst - that something evil will befall my daughters. I don't know how I would live if something like that happened, someone evil taking my girl.
Thank you God, that You protect us each day.
Showing posts with label Bailey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bailey. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
the best present
If you asked your children what the best present they ever got was, what would they say?
These cats - Cocoa and Oreo - were for the girls' 7th and 5th birthdays, last year. They have been a lot of work - and expense - but they have brought so much joy to our life. Taylor loves her cat (yes, the one trying to wriggle out of her arms in the pic) so much that she asked if Cocoa could wait to go to Heaven until she does bc she always wants to be with him. And yes, someday (good things cats can live a long time) the girls will have to go through saying good-bye to Cocoa and Oreo. I'm hoping it will be the only lesson in death they have until they are much older. (Wishful thinking I am sure - but Kevin was a married man with children when he lost anyone special to him, his Pop).
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| Chillin' after school. Being around people all day is exhausting for a Tater Tot. |
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| Oreo loves his mommy so much. The rest of us he's not sure about. |
I personally can not remember what my favorite birthday gift growing up was. I can remember Christmas, but not birthday gifts. But what I do remember is that for many years my dad would help me make a heart shaped birthday cake, and we'd decorate it together. My mom has some kitchen-cleanliness issues, and didn't let me help in the kitchen much. My dad had some other issues, and time with him could be fraught with tension. But all I remember about those times was the thrill of baking and decorating that cake, and it was fun and carefree. Precious memories to me now.
Sometimes the best gift you could ever give - or receive - costs nothing but time, thought and love. These cats on the other hand, are costing me tons.
But they are earning their keep. I mean, look how sweet he is with Taylor. It must be confusing to him, to have a mommy that acts like a cat but looks like a human.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
sweetness.
Ok this pic is HORRIBLE quality, but Taters took it of Bailey on her ipod, and I charged her ipod through my labtop instead of using the charger, and there it was in iphoto. like magic! so I have to do Bailey's ipod that way - she has many more, non-blurry pics of herself :) But this pic with her big fat Oreo baby is so her.
Tonight I took the girls with me to the chiropractor, where I had an appointment and Bailey had a consultation. Kevin picked up Tatie to take her to her favorite restaurant for dinner - that would be Wendy's - and after the doctor, Boo and I went to her fave, which is Friendly's.
Bailey is going to be seen by the chiropractor as an attempt to increase her lung function. I am trying to do anything I can to get that number up - she was down 4% at her last visit. She goes to CHOP quarterly, our next appointment is at the end of Feb and I am praying she is back up. We added an inhaler and increased her chest PT's (basically that's clapping her on the back, chest and sides with these plastic cup things, it's supposed to thin mucus), we have her back swimming each week and now we're trying this. If her lung function is not back up, or God forbid worse, she will have to go on a CF drug given by way of a nebulizer, and get a vest. The vest doesn't bother me, that was only a matter of time until we got that - it's the same thing as us doing her chest PT manually, it's just the vest does it for us. But the CF drug really bothers me.
So that's just why we were at the chiropractor. What I really want to talk about is what a sweet, loving girl I have. She was just a joy this evening. She was so good with the doctor, and even colored him a great picture while I was being worked on. She was respectful, a good listener, and kind. Then while I paid, she befriended a lady in the waiting room. She is such a Hiscott-Gutelius...so open, chatty, friendly. We used to joke that my dad could talk to a dead man, and Kevin's parents are also like that. We got to Friendly's and they were out of the one thing she was craving for dinner - their clam chowder, which she just loves. She hesitated a second - disappointed of course - but then said, "You know what? That's ok. Really. I'll have mac and cheese, please." Now, she's 8 and so I didn't expect a fit, but her ability to just shake off her disappointment and not whine even a little, made me proud. She colored a picture for our waitress, and wrote on it Have a Good Day! During dinner we made a list of goals for the next few months, like inviting a different friend over once a month to make their favorite dinner and watch a movie. She also said, "Mommy, do you want to talk about Jesus?" I said, "Sure, what do you want to talk about?" "Nothing...just sometimes I like saying his name and that we can talk about him anywhere, anytime."
Be still my heart! I was just bursting with gratitude for this girl. She s really getting 'it.' 'IT' to me is love...kindness, gentleness, patience, courage, generosity, gratitude...living as a mirror of the heart of Jesus.
There are times when I am still for a while, and really watch her like tonight, when I think "God, she is so special. Please don't take her." When she was little and such a sweetheart, I would be gripped with a fear so intense it would bring me to my knees, wondering if she was so sweet bc she was an angel, and only here for a short while. I grew out of that, and don't think that way often anymore. But there are times I still do, and it's just awful and it robs me of that precious moment we are having. God does not want me to fear the number of her days, and I don't want to either. But sometimes it's hard, knowing she does have a disease lurking in her body, that has killed children much younger than her.
Regardless, I am so thankful for my faith, which tells me God loves her more than I do. Seemingly impossible. We joke with the girls that I "made you from scratch" but really, God did - her big brown eyes, her brown hair with a hint of gold, her fair skin, her long slender legs, her kind heart. He created her for good things - He has already blown me away with how He has used her, and her life is really just beginning. I am so thankful to be a witness to it, so thankful to be her mama.
Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mommy someday. Here I am, with 2 precious girls, and I am just overwhelmed with gratitude tonight that they are mine. They test me, they make me cry, and sometimes, I feel like a failure as a mother. But with every day that passes, they are learning, and I am too. Sometimes the lessons are learned the hard way, sometimes it takes several times over to learn.
But tonight, I saw the fruit of some of our labor. I saw a hint of the young woman that Bailey is becoming, and it is thrilling to watch. She's still a young girl yes, but I can see more. Earlier today, in an effort to organize our home movies, I watched a few that were unlabeled. One was when she was just 3 years old. I cried, frozen to the couch and gripping the remote, as I listened to her sweet baby voice, and watched as she sang, danced and played. I wished desperately to go back in time, to hold her as a little one again, to take back some of the precious time I wasted worrying about her health, or trying to survive her little sister's needs. But the fact is, those moments, those days, happened - days that flew yet dragged by as Kevin and I just tried to muddle through - and here we are, and I want to go back?! No...
I am really enjoying where we are at. The children are still young and with that comes all the joy and struggle of their ages. They still have crying fits, temper tantrums and their sister-fights can have me in tears. I still struggle to meet all of their needs, and sometimes I really drop the ball. But we are over the sleepless nights, the poop fests, (what is that you say? If you've never had a chronically constipated child who needs regular enemas, you can't know), the "what is wrong?! I wish you could just tell me!", the biting phase, the hitting phase, the crying-like-a-mad-thing phase when Mommy leaves the room or God forbid, pees without you on her lap. And it feels pretty good.
That being said, I can't promise that I won't want to steal your baby.
Bailey is going to be seen by the chiropractor as an attempt to increase her lung function. I am trying to do anything I can to get that number up - she was down 4% at her last visit. She goes to CHOP quarterly, our next appointment is at the end of Feb and I am praying she is back up. We added an inhaler and increased her chest PT's (basically that's clapping her on the back, chest and sides with these plastic cup things, it's supposed to thin mucus), we have her back swimming each week and now we're trying this. If her lung function is not back up, or God forbid worse, she will have to go on a CF drug given by way of a nebulizer, and get a vest. The vest doesn't bother me, that was only a matter of time until we got that - it's the same thing as us doing her chest PT manually, it's just the vest does it for us. But the CF drug really bothers me.
So that's just why we were at the chiropractor. What I really want to talk about is what a sweet, loving girl I have. She was just a joy this evening. She was so good with the doctor, and even colored him a great picture while I was being worked on. She was respectful, a good listener, and kind. Then while I paid, she befriended a lady in the waiting room. She is such a Hiscott-Gutelius...so open, chatty, friendly. We used to joke that my dad could talk to a dead man, and Kevin's parents are also like that. We got to Friendly's and they were out of the one thing she was craving for dinner - their clam chowder, which she just loves. She hesitated a second - disappointed of course - but then said, "You know what? That's ok. Really. I'll have mac and cheese, please." Now, she's 8 and so I didn't expect a fit, but her ability to just shake off her disappointment and not whine even a little, made me proud. She colored a picture for our waitress, and wrote on it Have a Good Day! During dinner we made a list of goals for the next few months, like inviting a different friend over once a month to make their favorite dinner and watch a movie. She also said, "Mommy, do you want to talk about Jesus?" I said, "Sure, what do you want to talk about?" "Nothing...just sometimes I like saying his name and that we can talk about him anywhere, anytime."
Be still my heart! I was just bursting with gratitude for this girl. She s really getting 'it.' 'IT' to me is love...kindness, gentleness, patience, courage, generosity, gratitude...living as a mirror of the heart of Jesus.
There are times when I am still for a while, and really watch her like tonight, when I think "God, she is so special. Please don't take her." When she was little and such a sweetheart, I would be gripped with a fear so intense it would bring me to my knees, wondering if she was so sweet bc she was an angel, and only here for a short while. I grew out of that, and don't think that way often anymore. But there are times I still do, and it's just awful and it robs me of that precious moment we are having. God does not want me to fear the number of her days, and I don't want to either. But sometimes it's hard, knowing she does have a disease lurking in her body, that has killed children much younger than her.
Regardless, I am so thankful for my faith, which tells me God loves her more than I do. Seemingly impossible. We joke with the girls that I "made you from scratch" but really, God did - her big brown eyes, her brown hair with a hint of gold, her fair skin, her long slender legs, her kind heart. He created her for good things - He has already blown me away with how He has used her, and her life is really just beginning. I am so thankful to be a witness to it, so thankful to be her mama.
Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mommy someday. Here I am, with 2 precious girls, and I am just overwhelmed with gratitude tonight that they are mine. They test me, they make me cry, and sometimes, I feel like a failure as a mother. But with every day that passes, they are learning, and I am too. Sometimes the lessons are learned the hard way, sometimes it takes several times over to learn.
But tonight, I saw the fruit of some of our labor. I saw a hint of the young woman that Bailey is becoming, and it is thrilling to watch. She's still a young girl yes, but I can see more. Earlier today, in an effort to organize our home movies, I watched a few that were unlabeled. One was when she was just 3 years old. I cried, frozen to the couch and gripping the remote, as I listened to her sweet baby voice, and watched as she sang, danced and played. I wished desperately to go back in time, to hold her as a little one again, to take back some of the precious time I wasted worrying about her health, or trying to survive her little sister's needs. But the fact is, those moments, those days, happened - days that flew yet dragged by as Kevin and I just tried to muddle through - and here we are, and I want to go back?! No...
I am really enjoying where we are at. The children are still young and with that comes all the joy and struggle of their ages. They still have crying fits, temper tantrums and their sister-fights can have me in tears. I still struggle to meet all of their needs, and sometimes I really drop the ball. But we are over the sleepless nights, the poop fests, (what is that you say? If you've never had a chronically constipated child who needs regular enemas, you can't know), the "what is wrong?! I wish you could just tell me!", the biting phase, the hitting phase, the crying-like-a-mad-thing phase when Mommy leaves the room or God forbid, pees without you on her lap. And it feels pretty good.
That being said, I can't promise that I won't want to steal your baby.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Cinderella
So yesterday as I was bent over cleaning some nooks and crannies that had accumulated cat hair and dust so thick it looked like a rug, Taylor came up behind me and asked what I was doing. Because I was dripping tears and snot bc of my bad allergy to dust, I almost was sassy with her and shot back, "what do you THINK I am doing Tate?!" but I didn't bc I realized she is not accustomed to seeing me scrub things, because I hate to, and genuinely was probably confused.
So I sat back and said, "I am cleaning." She looked at me with her head cocked a bit, and said, "Well, you look like a kind of Cinderella, the part where she's in rags and cleaning, not the part where's she's fancy in a dress."
me - "Well, I'll still take that as a compliment."
Tate - "What's compliment mean?"
me - "It's where you say something nice to someone. Like if I say, "Taylor you are being kind and sharing with your sister, I love it!" then I am complimenting you."
Tate - "I wasn't complimenting you."
I then told her to go find her cat and put it in a dress or something, and continued cleaning. I started thinking about what chores I still wanted to complete and what I could pass off to the girls. I ended up not passing anything off to them, and I thought about that after they went to bed. I have really not held the girls accountable to any regular chores, ever. Yes, they help me here and there, but it's random. I have wanted desperately for them to enjoy being kids - but I fear that I am doing them a disservice, and they are not being taught responsibility.
So in addition to my hope that this year they will continue to learn about and display fruits of the Spirit -
I want them to learn also some lessons about family responsibility. I am thinking that this is where I will start -
*Daily straighten of bedroom. Weekly pull off sheets and blankets for Mommy to wash.
*Weekly chore of Mom's choosing such as helping to clean the bathroom or dusting (although I don't want Bailey to do much of that bc of her CF...so I guess I'll have her do things like fold the towels, separate laundry).
*Continue to clear table but now alternate nights of setting the table and then loading dishwasher.
*Alternate nights of helping Mommy with dinner.
This seems reasonable to me. What are your kids chores?
So I sat back and said, "I am cleaning." She looked at me with her head cocked a bit, and said, "Well, you look like a kind of Cinderella, the part where she's in rags and cleaning, not the part where's she's fancy in a dress."
me - "Well, I'll still take that as a compliment."
Tate - "What's compliment mean?"
me - "It's where you say something nice to someone. Like if I say, "Taylor you are being kind and sharing with your sister, I love it!" then I am complimenting you."
Tate - "I wasn't complimenting you."
I then told her to go find her cat and put it in a dress or something, and continued cleaning. I started thinking about what chores I still wanted to complete and what I could pass off to the girls. I ended up not passing anything off to them, and I thought about that after they went to bed. I have really not held the girls accountable to any regular chores, ever. Yes, they help me here and there, but it's random. I have wanted desperately for them to enjoy being kids - but I fear that I am doing them a disservice, and they are not being taught responsibility.
So in addition to my hope that this year they will continue to learn about and display fruits of the Spirit -
Galatians 5:22-23
New International Version (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control.
*Daily straighten of bedroom. Weekly pull off sheets and blankets for Mommy to wash.
*Weekly chore of Mom's choosing such as helping to clean the bathroom or dusting (although I don't want Bailey to do much of that bc of her CF...so I guess I'll have her do things like fold the towels, separate laundry).
*Continue to clear table but now alternate nights of setting the table and then loading dishwasher.
*Alternate nights of helping Mommy with dinner.
This seems reasonable to me. What are your kids chores?
Friday, December 16, 2011
what gets left behind
So this morning I am wrapping gifts. That's why I am now blogging, because I was immediately overwhelmed just getting out the wrap, bags, ribbon, etc.
I thought to myself, how did I do all of this when my girls were home all day, every day? I didn't do all the gifts - for the girls many of their gifts I did a scavenger hunt and left them unwrapped, figuring the game would be the fun part of getting the gift. Really, it was I was so exhausted from the gifts and cards to everyone else, I had nothing left. No time left, either. And my girls - the ones who Christmas was most exciting for - were the ones who only had a few wrapped gifts, and the rest they had to search for.
Working moms or moms home with little ones should have at least one day during the Christmas season where they have nothing else on their plate - or children at their ankles - besides Christmas preparations. More than one day would be preferable, but really, who's even going to get the one.
I read on fb today that one mom is cutting Christmas cards, and a suggestion from one of her friends was to do New Years or Valentines instead. Brilliant! Wish I had thought of that a few years ago!
But this year, I have time to do cards, and to wrap - and do so joyfully. I have been the one in our marriage to buy every gift, sign every card, wrap every present from the mailman to my in-laws. I actually love being the one to do it - but admittedly, when the girls were little it was just so tough! And it's hard when you do something just-good-enough-to-pass when your real self, not the tired, stressed one, wants to say, wrap it beautifully with gorgeous ribbon instead of throw it in a bag.
So I will get back to my wrapping now, with a smile because I don't have a child underfoot asking me if it's okay that she pooped in her dollbaby's pretend diaper. I may step on a few Cheerios left on the floor from breakfast, because my kids do still live here after all, and my house is a royal dump. I am thinking of you today Moms - you working moms trying to cram it all in on the weekend, or you SAHMs trying to stay awake long enough past 8pm to write out a few Christmas cards.
Leave some stuff behind - think about what's really important that needs done. I wish I could go back, and wrap all of my kids gifts...although I guess they don't remember and it doesn't matter. But it does to me...the message in my mind of the mom I was at that time was I was choosing pleasing others before pleasing my daughters. I was putting others expectations of me before making their Christmas as magical as I could.
So this year, I think I'm going to wrap their gifts first.
I thought to myself, how did I do all of this when my girls were home all day, every day? I didn't do all the gifts - for the girls many of their gifts I did a scavenger hunt and left them unwrapped, figuring the game would be the fun part of getting the gift. Really, it was I was so exhausted from the gifts and cards to everyone else, I had nothing left. No time left, either. And my girls - the ones who Christmas was most exciting for - were the ones who only had a few wrapped gifts, and the rest they had to search for.
Working moms or moms home with little ones should have at least one day during the Christmas season where they have nothing else on their plate - or children at their ankles - besides Christmas preparations. More than one day would be preferable, but really, who's even going to get the one.
I read on fb today that one mom is cutting Christmas cards, and a suggestion from one of her friends was to do New Years or Valentines instead. Brilliant! Wish I had thought of that a few years ago!
But this year, I have time to do cards, and to wrap - and do so joyfully. I have been the one in our marriage to buy every gift, sign every card, wrap every present from the mailman to my in-laws. I actually love being the one to do it - but admittedly, when the girls were little it was just so tough! And it's hard when you do something just-good-enough-to-pass when your real self, not the tired, stressed one, wants to say, wrap it beautifully with gorgeous ribbon instead of throw it in a bag.
So I will get back to my wrapping now, with a smile because I don't have a child underfoot asking me if it's okay that she pooped in her dollbaby's pretend diaper. I may step on a few Cheerios left on the floor from breakfast, because my kids do still live here after all, and my house is a royal dump. I am thinking of you today Moms - you working moms trying to cram it all in on the weekend, or you SAHMs trying to stay awake long enough past 8pm to write out a few Christmas cards.
Leave some stuff behind - think about what's really important that needs done. I wish I could go back, and wrap all of my kids gifts...although I guess they don't remember and it doesn't matter. But it does to me...the message in my mind of the mom I was at that time was I was choosing pleasing others before pleasing my daughters. I was putting others expectations of me before making their Christmas as magical as I could.
So this year, I think I'm going to wrap their gifts first.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Just checking
I have had a lot of really important and/or fun things going on lately, but all those things would take tired-old-me too much time to write about. I felt like writing a little something, but not too much.
So I thought about what happened to me yesterday at the McDonald's. It involves an old lady. Maybe some of you remember I had a bit of a run-in with another old lady at the ShopRite several weeks ago, who admonished my Hottie Tottie for not listening to me, and standing by my cart.
I'm not sure what this old lady admonished, but I felt it.
So yesterday morning I took Bailey to McD's for breakfast as a treat on our way to CHOP. Taylor was at my mom's camp, it was just the 2 of us. It was 9:45 and B was really hungry. So was I. I ordered and had on my tray:
2 egg mcmuffins for me (they were 2 for $3 and I was planning on saving the 2nd one for lunch - REALLY!!!! I actually didn't even end up eating it at all, it sat in our lunchbag all day.)
3 hashbrowns - Bailey asked for 2, I wanted 1
2 small cups, B got hi-c orange, I got water
1 order of pancakes.
So we are at our table ready to sit down and Old Lady stops and says, and I quote, "She's not going to eat all that, is she?"
It caught me off guard, and I explained who-was-going-to-eat-what off our tray.
I bet she didn't believe I'd save the 2nd egg sammie for later. That's ok, I wasn't sure myself.
Anyway, she responds, and I QUOTE, "Just checking."
Just checking what exactly? That I wasn't going to shove the whole tray of junk food down my kid's throat? What was she checking?
So as she walks away and my wits are coming back to me a bit, I say, "But you don't need to worry about that, do you."
She looked at me like how-dare-you and we dropped it. But I was mad.
She didn't know we rarely frequent McD's. ChickFilA...yes. Perhaps biweekly...sometimes weekly. But not McD's, it's a treat.
She didn't know Bailey was going to be having a checkup at CHOP that day, taking hours. If Bailey asked for McDs for breakfast, then my goodness, she is going to get it.
She didn't know that not only was Bailey spending her day at CHOP, but Bailey knew she was missing a day of VBS and that Taylor was spending her day at Nana's gymnastics camp, having fun, while she had a stick shoved down her throat, had to breathe forcefully over and over into a machine, and had to be examined by her dr, 2 nurses, the nutritionist and the physical therapist. She didn't complain once.
She didn't know that Bailey's supposed to be gaining weight.
She didn't know it's none of her business.
So that's my story. And guess what, Bailey had about 1/2 of her pancakes and hashbrowns.
I won't mention that yours truly finished said pancakes and hashbrowns. What....I was emotional eating, Bailey had a CHOP appt!!
So I thought about what happened to me yesterday at the McDonald's. It involves an old lady. Maybe some of you remember I had a bit of a run-in with another old lady at the ShopRite several weeks ago, who admonished my Hottie Tottie for not listening to me, and standing by my cart.
I'm not sure what this old lady admonished, but I felt it.
So yesterday morning I took Bailey to McD's for breakfast as a treat on our way to CHOP. Taylor was at my mom's camp, it was just the 2 of us. It was 9:45 and B was really hungry. So was I. I ordered and had on my tray:
2 egg mcmuffins for me (they were 2 for $3 and I was planning on saving the 2nd one for lunch - REALLY!!!! I actually didn't even end up eating it at all, it sat in our lunchbag all day.)
3 hashbrowns - Bailey asked for 2, I wanted 1
2 small cups, B got hi-c orange, I got water
1 order of pancakes.
So we are at our table ready to sit down and Old Lady stops and says, and I quote, "She's not going to eat all that, is she?"
It caught me off guard, and I explained who-was-going-to-eat-what off our tray.
I bet she didn't believe I'd save the 2nd egg sammie for later. That's ok, I wasn't sure myself.
Anyway, she responds, and I QUOTE, "Just checking."
Just checking what exactly? That I wasn't going to shove the whole tray of junk food down my kid's throat? What was she checking?
So as she walks away and my wits are coming back to me a bit, I say, "But you don't need to worry about that, do you."
She looked at me like how-dare-you and we dropped it. But I was mad.
She didn't know we rarely frequent McD's. ChickFilA...yes. Perhaps biweekly...sometimes weekly. But not McD's, it's a treat.
She didn't know Bailey was going to be having a checkup at CHOP that day, taking hours. If Bailey asked for McDs for breakfast, then my goodness, she is going to get it.
She didn't know that not only was Bailey spending her day at CHOP, but Bailey knew she was missing a day of VBS and that Taylor was spending her day at Nana's gymnastics camp, having fun, while she had a stick shoved down her throat, had to breathe forcefully over and over into a machine, and had to be examined by her dr, 2 nurses, the nutritionist and the physical therapist. She didn't complain once.
She didn't know that Bailey's supposed to be gaining weight.
She didn't know it's none of her business.
So that's my story. And guess what, Bailey had about 1/2 of her pancakes and hashbrowns.
I won't mention that yours truly finished said pancakes and hashbrowns. What....I was emotional eating, Bailey had a CHOP appt!!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Slipping through my fingers
Time is slipping away. It is mid-July already, how did that happen?! We have really enjoyed the summer so far, and the next several weeks are filled with pool party playdates, beach days, VBS, gymnastics camp and just hang-around-the-house days. My girls are at a really fun age and I am having what I think will be the time of my life.
There are so many moments that I stop for a second and realize how fast it's going. It really is true that before you know it, your kids are grown. Mine aren't of course, they are 7 and 5. But I can see how that will happen. I remember when they were bitties, that old adage would kind of piss me off. I thought the women saying it completely forgot what it's like to have little ones...all the stress, crying, lack of sleep, diapers and feedings...and they romanticized the past. I guess that's what happens...as soon as you start to sleep and enjoy being a person again, not just a busy, sweats-wearing, toddler-sitting-on-your-lap-crying-while-you-pee kind of mom, but a person...you realize it did go fast. I don't miss my kids crying, pulling at my legs, at the sight of me putting on my makeup because they knew that meant I was leaving...but I do miss them waving at the window, with little pouts on their faces. Who else loves me that much that if I go to the grocery store they cry?
They're growing, my girls. Not grown, but growing. I'm happy they still run to me with open arms when they see me...most of the time anyway. Sometimes they just say "hi mom" and I know that they aren't babies anymore, when I was their world. I don't want to be their world...there is so much beauty and fun out there I want them to enjoy. But I don't think anyone or anything will ever make feel so special and loved, as these little girls have. I'm not their world, but they really are mine.
Today, they are still kind-of little. And I love it. As I write, they have on their gymnastics orange and black leopard leotards, with purple butterfly wings, princess dress-up shoes and train conductor hats. Can you picture it? Cuteness. They are using their walkie talkies and doing a search of the house for princess treasure. I tried to get them to search out dust with "princess fairy dust wands" -aka Swiffers - but they didn't buy it. They took the Swiffers, but no dusting.
They may make me crazy sometimes, and some days still feel long and stressful. But I wouldn't trade this time in my life for anything. What a gift.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I spoil my kids
These two pretties had breakfast in my bed this morning, on a tray, watching cartoons.
They have no idea how good they have it, and I like it that way.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Not normal
Today I was so happy to go to Bailey's class party to celebrate the end of her first grade year. I love being in her classroom - I love the way her face lights up when she sees me, she is so happy and proud. I love seeing her participate with her classmates and I love feeling happy with her school experience. Her teachers every single year, since she started preschool, have been perfect for her. Last year we had an issue with a boy who was quite unkind to her, but that has been the only real negative in her public school time so far. That same boy was in her class this year - I even scheduled a meeting with the teacher to let her know what had happened so she could keep her eyes and ears out. Thankfully, he must have matured somewhat because besides a few comments over the year, he and Bailey got along well.
Anyway, today for the party, the kids made a craft, had a special snack and then played a game. Us room moms were chatting a bit and watching the kids. I thought to myself what a good looking class it was...and I thought back to when Bailey was diagnosed with CF. I remembered one of my nights researching CF online (I did this for many, many nights...once in awhile I still do) I came across a blog of a young girl with CF. She looked pretty good in her healthy pictures, albeit quite thin, but in her hospital pics she looked very sickly. Also, a friend of the family, when hearing Bailey had CF, had said they knew a family with a few CF kids and those kids all looked sick, with a blue-ish tint to their skin. She said it to say that Bailey looked so healthy, she didn't "look like she has CF." But instead of making me feel better, or lucky, I felt like she didn't look like that...yet. It scared me. The pictures of the young girl in the hospital scared me. I was already very, very scared of her dying prematurely but then I also started being scared of not just of her dying, but what her living was going to look like. Would she be a sick kid? Spend weeks a year at a hospital, like so many CFers? When she was healthy enough to be in school, would she look different, and kids would be nervous to be her friend? How much school would she miss being sick?
During Bailey's first several months of life, I had a million thoughts race through my head, how she would look didn't occupy many thoughts, but it was there. I wanted her to be NORMAL and have friends. I didn't want her to stick out, I wanted her to look like any other kid. I wanted her to grow up in a happy home, having a happy childhood, stay out of trouble as a teen, go to a good college, marry a sweet, kind boy who loved the Lord and adored my daughter, have a job she loves, have a healthy, happy family -- down the street from me. That's it. Her diagnosis threw so many questions into that equation. I didn't know what any of that would look like.
But what I have learned, is that none of us moms know what that will look like!!! What I DO know, is she is a daugher of the King, Father God. He made her, and knows her future. The Bible tells me that He only wants good for her, to give her hope and a future. And get this - I have realized something else. Bailey's diagnosis is not something that is welcome to us. It is a disease, nothing to be wanted. BUT we have already seen how God has used that to be a blessing in our lives, and others lives. I have written before - and if you know Bailey you have seen - she is a sweet, sweet girl. She is empathetic beyond her years. Just today during that class party, one of her classmates fell out of his chair. He bumped his head a bit and was crying - I think mostly because he was embarrassed. The teacher went to him quickly, and guess who else. Bailey. "Are you ok? Are you hurt?" My heart almost burst with pride.
Why would I EVER want her to be "normal" as I said before...when I can have BAILEY. She is not normal. And I am SO, SO thankful for that. To a bystander she certainly looks normal and healthy - and I am very thankful for that, too. She is the picture of health actually. But I have come to understand that being normal isn't all it's cracked up to be. Now I have a different "equation" that I want for my girls, both of them. Sure, I want all of those same things for them...marriage, family, career. But more than that, so much more, I want them to have character - love, strength, joy, compassion. A fire for the Lord that is contagious.
Both of my girls deal with a challenge that some do not. For Bailey it's the CF, for Taylor it's her sensory and anxiety issues. Upon first learning of their diagnoses, I was devastated. I did not know what that would mean for their future. I still don't know, really. But today, not only was I so thankful that Bailey "looks" so beautiful and healthy - "normal" - but I was also so thankful she is not normal. Not because of her disease, but because of the amazing little girl she is.
Thank you God, for being all-knowing, all-seeing, all-loving. Thank you for making Bailey as You saw fit. Please forgive me for doubting you, for doubting your hand on her life. I know your hand is there, God, I know you are holding her. Thank you for that Lord, thank you. Thank you for creating in her a heart of joy, compassion, love. Please help me foster those characteristics in her God, help me to teach her and guide her towards what YOU want for her life, and what You want her to give to others. Thank you God, that Bailey is not normal...and thank you for showing me You don't want her to be. Amen.
Anyway, today for the party, the kids made a craft, had a special snack and then played a game. Us room moms were chatting a bit and watching the kids. I thought to myself what a good looking class it was...and I thought back to when Bailey was diagnosed with CF. I remembered one of my nights researching CF online (I did this for many, many nights...once in awhile I still do) I came across a blog of a young girl with CF. She looked pretty good in her healthy pictures, albeit quite thin, but in her hospital pics she looked very sickly. Also, a friend of the family, when hearing Bailey had CF, had said they knew a family with a few CF kids and those kids all looked sick, with a blue-ish tint to their skin. She said it to say that Bailey looked so healthy, she didn't "look like she has CF." But instead of making me feel better, or lucky, I felt like she didn't look like that...yet. It scared me. The pictures of the young girl in the hospital scared me. I was already very, very scared of her dying prematurely but then I also started being scared of not just of her dying, but what her living was going to look like. Would she be a sick kid? Spend weeks a year at a hospital, like so many CFers? When she was healthy enough to be in school, would she look different, and kids would be nervous to be her friend? How much school would she miss being sick?
During Bailey's first several months of life, I had a million thoughts race through my head, how she would look didn't occupy many thoughts, but it was there. I wanted her to be NORMAL and have friends. I didn't want her to stick out, I wanted her to look like any other kid. I wanted her to grow up in a happy home, having a happy childhood, stay out of trouble as a teen, go to a good college, marry a sweet, kind boy who loved the Lord and adored my daughter, have a job she loves, have a healthy, happy family -- down the street from me. That's it. Her diagnosis threw so many questions into that equation. I didn't know what any of that would look like.
But what I have learned, is that none of us moms know what that will look like!!! What I DO know, is she is a daugher of the King, Father God. He made her, and knows her future. The Bible tells me that He only wants good for her, to give her hope and a future. And get this - I have realized something else. Bailey's diagnosis is not something that is welcome to us. It is a disease, nothing to be wanted. BUT we have already seen how God has used that to be a blessing in our lives, and others lives. I have written before - and if you know Bailey you have seen - she is a sweet, sweet girl. She is empathetic beyond her years. Just today during that class party, one of her classmates fell out of his chair. He bumped his head a bit and was crying - I think mostly because he was embarrassed. The teacher went to him quickly, and guess who else. Bailey. "Are you ok? Are you hurt?" My heart almost burst with pride.
Why would I EVER want her to be "normal" as I said before...when I can have BAILEY. She is not normal. And I am SO, SO thankful for that. To a bystander she certainly looks normal and healthy - and I am very thankful for that, too. She is the picture of health actually. But I have come to understand that being normal isn't all it's cracked up to be. Now I have a different "equation" that I want for my girls, both of them. Sure, I want all of those same things for them...marriage, family, career. But more than that, so much more, I want them to have character - love, strength, joy, compassion. A fire for the Lord that is contagious.
Both of my girls deal with a challenge that some do not. For Bailey it's the CF, for Taylor it's her sensory and anxiety issues. Upon first learning of their diagnoses, I was devastated. I did not know what that would mean for their future. I still don't know, really. But today, not only was I so thankful that Bailey "looks" so beautiful and healthy - "normal" - but I was also so thankful she is not normal. Not because of her disease, but because of the amazing little girl she is.
Thank you God, for being all-knowing, all-seeing, all-loving. Thank you for making Bailey as You saw fit. Please forgive me for doubting you, for doubting your hand on her life. I know your hand is there, God, I know you are holding her. Thank you for that Lord, thank you. Thank you for creating in her a heart of joy, compassion, love. Please help me foster those characteristics in her God, help me to teach her and guide her towards what YOU want for her life, and what You want her to give to others. Thank you God, that Bailey is not normal...and thank you for showing me You don't want her to be. Amen.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Cha-cha-cha-Changes...
So I have figured it out, although it's not really news. I HATE CHANGE. Despise. Detest. Abhor.
It's scary to me, unfamiliar. There have been some changes in my life I have welcomed with open arms, but if I am doing alright, I dread something different coming down my pike.
The last few days I have been a sourpuss. I have gone through this before...when Bailey went to preschool, graduated from preschool, went to kindergarten, went to first grade...you get the picture. I had thought that I kept my emotions to myself...well, of course Kevin had to endure me, and most friends and any family that came within 100 yards of me. But I tried to do the whole, "I'm so proud of you, my big girl! Look at you!", keeping my real feelings, "Please, stop growing! Stop! I am scared of what's coming, I am scared that you won't always look at me the way you do, I am scared you won't need me, I am scared we'll grow apart..." to myself.
But at the beginning of Bailey's first grade year, I am ashamed to say, I think I made the poor girl sick. The first day of school came, she got all dolled up and we took pictures by the 'back to school' bus flag in front of our house...she got on the bus (yes I was crying - it was her first day of full-day school!)...and 2 hours later I was picking her up from the nurse's office. She was warm and very tired she said. I thought maybe it was a CF-related exhaustion thing and I babied her for the next day. That weekend at church, I overheard her trying to console a little girl who didn't want to go to Sunday School. "Honey, I was just like you! I was so nervous about going to 1st grade, who would I sit with at lunch? But it turned out great! You'll love Sunday School."
Ummm....I realized right then and there I made my daughter sick with worry. I had had a nightmare a few days before school started that she was in the cafeteria for lunch and no one would sit with her. She must have heard me tell Kevin or maybe my mom (and as she heard that, she would've heard me crying and panicked). Can you imagine? Not one of my most stellar mom moments, that's for sure. I felt terrible. I had a really long talk with her out at a restaurant about it, and asked for forgiveness. I told her also that I couldn't promise she'd never hear me be scared or nervous again, because we live in the same house and sometimes I feel a lot of things. As she grows, I see her sensitivity and emotional side, and I can tell she will also not be able to shrug things off easily.
Well, I am pretty much out of my funk now. I feel good. Summer has almost officially begun, Bailey just has 2 more 1/2 days of school. We LOVE summer and do tons of fun things. I'm so blessed to be able to have them all summer. Of course, more time at home means more frustration, anger, tears, time-outs...for all of us. But every day, I am grateful I am at home. As the time comes closer and closer for me to get a job, I am all the more thankful. It helps that the kids are much more self-sufficient - I remember well the days of non-stop diapers, feedings, crying, tantruming - repeat. They can still be pretty needy and tantrumy sometimes, but we have a lot of fun too. They're at nice ages.
But I get it...they will keep growing. I'm thankful for that really - it's means they're healthy. I'm happy my moaning has ceased...at least until next year.
It's scary to me, unfamiliar. There have been some changes in my life I have welcomed with open arms, but if I am doing alright, I dread something different coming down my pike.
The last few days I have been a sourpuss. I have gone through this before...when Bailey went to preschool, graduated from preschool, went to kindergarten, went to first grade...you get the picture. I had thought that I kept my emotions to myself...well, of course Kevin had to endure me, and most friends and any family that came within 100 yards of me. But I tried to do the whole, "I'm so proud of you, my big girl! Look at you!", keeping my real feelings, "Please, stop growing! Stop! I am scared of what's coming, I am scared that you won't always look at me the way you do, I am scared you won't need me, I am scared we'll grow apart..." to myself.
But at the beginning of Bailey's first grade year, I am ashamed to say, I think I made the poor girl sick. The first day of school came, she got all dolled up and we took pictures by the 'back to school' bus flag in front of our house...she got on the bus (yes I was crying - it was her first day of full-day school!)...and 2 hours later I was picking her up from the nurse's office. She was warm and very tired she said. I thought maybe it was a CF-related exhaustion thing and I babied her for the next day. That weekend at church, I overheard her trying to console a little girl who didn't want to go to Sunday School. "Honey, I was just like you! I was so nervous about going to 1st grade, who would I sit with at lunch? But it turned out great! You'll love Sunday School."
Ummm....I realized right then and there I made my daughter sick with worry. I had had a nightmare a few days before school started that she was in the cafeteria for lunch and no one would sit with her. She must have heard me tell Kevin or maybe my mom (and as she heard that, she would've heard me crying and panicked). Can you imagine? Not one of my most stellar mom moments, that's for sure. I felt terrible. I had a really long talk with her out at a restaurant about it, and asked for forgiveness. I told her also that I couldn't promise she'd never hear me be scared or nervous again, because we live in the same house and sometimes I feel a lot of things. As she grows, I see her sensitivity and emotional side, and I can tell she will also not be able to shrug things off easily.
Well, I am pretty much out of my funk now. I feel good. Summer has almost officially begun, Bailey just has 2 more 1/2 days of school. We LOVE summer and do tons of fun things. I'm so blessed to be able to have them all summer. Of course, more time at home means more frustration, anger, tears, time-outs...for all of us. But every day, I am grateful I am at home. As the time comes closer and closer for me to get a job, I am all the more thankful. It helps that the kids are much more self-sufficient - I remember well the days of non-stop diapers, feedings, crying, tantruming - repeat. They can still be pretty needy and tantrumy sometimes, but we have a lot of fun too. They're at nice ages.
But I get it...they will keep growing. I'm thankful for that really - it's means they're healthy. I'm happy my moaning has ceased...at least until next year.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Dr Zoomerman
Taylor has said for a while now that she wants to be a doctor when she grows up. She is FASCINATED with so many things - from the little hairs on caterpillars, to inspecting any of our boo boos with her magnifying glass - that I really believe she could be. Plus, she is very bright, she likes working alone, she can sit for extending periods of time "working" (I know, right?! I don't know why she can't focus when I give her directions, but give her "homework" and she sits tight) and for some reason, I can just really see her actually being a doctor. This is going to sound awful - brace yourselves - but I do not believe my kids can just do anything. I don't tell them that of course, but if they were to say they wanted to be President of the United States, in my head I'd be saying, "keep dreamin', kid." Both my girls have different gifts and abilities, and as they grow I am starting to imagine who they might grow up to be.
I picture Bailey as a mom, first and foremost, and a doting wife. Her husband will also have to dote though, because girlfriend is a tad spoiled. But she is so loving, affectionate, and family matters so much to her that I can easily picture her with at least a few kids, either staying at home or in a profession like teaching. She loves to play teacher and even has a little apron with letters and numbers she wears when she is "Miss Bailey."
As I said, I really believe Tatie could be a doctor someday, and this is what she recently said. I asked her what kind of doctor she wanted to be, like did she want to help babies come out of mommies, did she want to look at peoples booboos in the hospital, did she want to look at x-rays (she's had a few, she knows what they are). She said, "I want to be a Zoomerman doctor." me - "Is that a dr that goes to the zoo? Do you want to be a vet?" Tate - "NO Mommy, a ZOOMERMAN doctor!" (She gets easily pissed off at me if I'm not on her wavelength). me - "Taylor, I don't know what that is, I'm sorry. What is it?" Tate (looking at me like I'm dumb as dirt) - "It's the doctor that, you know, zooms in - gives shot, open wide, ok ok, and zooms out." Kevin and I couldn't help but start laughing - which further exasperated her so we quickly composed ourselves, didn't want to dream-squash, but it was SO HER. It was just so like Taylor to not want to spend too much time with the patients, she just wants to zoom in and out.
I miss the baby days (sometimes) but now that they are getting older, I love that the girls have these moments that are just "so them." They are growing into themselves, and I love it. It is so like Bailey to tear up upon seeing a baby carrier seat on a stretcher at CHOP yesterday - I did too, even though we both had no clue what was wrong with the baby - but that empathy she has is so acute, so strong. I am careful to talk to her about such things, trying to have her not be a "burden bearer" - I love her compassion but do not want her to take on the weight of the world. I didn't much talk to her about the natural disasters occurring, like recent Joplin, bc she would have been up at night with worry.
I love my sweet Bailey, and my Dr Zoomerman. I look forward to seeing what they do when they grow up, but I certainly can wait to see - time is already going by fast enough.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Flash Back Friday - Bailey Caelyn's birth story
A friend posted a note on FB where she gave her child's birth story. I loved reading it, so here we go with mine. She posted a short and sweet note...mine will be verbose and tiring. But if you're still reading my blog, you know I'm not a short and sweet kind of girl.
I got pregnant with Bailey when I was 23, not quite 1 1/2 yrs into our "5 year plan." I was taking 2 grad classes and working as a social worker. That morning, I freaked out...as in, I took a pregnancy test, got into the shower and peeked out at a couple of flaming lines (I think it was laughing at me too) and promptly fell. As I was sitting on the shower floor, I immediately felt guilty, what if I hurt the baby already.
Mommy guilt is a pervasive, nasty thing...but more on that another time.
Kevin and I went to LabCorp for a blood test, and by that evening I was praying it would be positive for sure. The nurse called to tell me, she said, "Hi Mommy" and I started weeping (no surprises there I'm sure). I was so happy...I had always wanted to be a mom, so what if it happened faster than we thought.
I had assumed that because I had always wanted to be a mom, for some reason I would have a great pregnancy. I have NO idea why I thought that, and at around 7 weeks I started getting sick...and it didn't stop. I was sick almost daily - sometimes several times daily - throughout the whole thing I threw up in a hairdresser's sink, I threw up all over my MIL's books she had stacked on the floor, I threw up in the car...many, many times. I was so sensitive to smell, and it could make me sick before I even knew it. Brushing my teeth meant getting sick, every time. It was not the worst thing in the world by any means...I knew how blessed I was to be growing a baby with no problems except for getting sick. But it was difficult, and I counted down the days until I could have the baby.
We found out we were having a girl, and I was over the moon. I had thought it would be a boy because of the tons of boys on Kevin's side, but here it was a girl. I was so glad we found out so I could plan, and I rubbed my huge stretch mark striped tummy and talked to my baby.
We took 12 weeks of Bradley classes, where they try to prepare you for a natural childbirth. I didn't want to bury the placenta or anything, but I really wanted to be "present" for her arrival, and in the off-chance the drugs would do anything to her, I didn't want to take them. That is $250 I wish I had back...but actually, the classes were really nice because for 1/2 hr of the 2 1/2 hr class, Kevin had to do a "relaxation exercise" with me which I LOVED. Massage and slow, quiet talking. But not only did I take drugs, I ended up with a C-section...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I was being monitored by a specialist because of a blood clotting history in my family, so at an ultrasound a few weeks before my due date they realized my amniotic fluid level was low. I had to come back the next day, and it was a lot lower. But I didn't feel like I was leaking any, I still don't know what happened. Anyway, they had me check in, and induced me. The baby's head hadn't even dropped, I knew from my reading ('cause that's what you do when you have time to kill before a baby...it's probably the last book I read) that if you're induced, you have a much higher chance of drugs or a C-section. Fast forward 36 hours of hell, and at 10:53 pm Bailey Caelyn came into the world by C-section. They had to take her out, and I'm glad they did. Thank God for medical intervention. However, because of all that vomiting I was telling you about...literally ON the operating table I got the dry heaves, and I couldn't stop. So they actually knocked me out, and to this day I am still devastated by that. I didn't get to see her come out, and I was out for over an hour afterwards.
Kevin knew I'd want to be the first one to hold the baby, and he didn't let anyone except him hold her until I could. When I woke up, all I could think to say was, "my baby, my baby..." and I still remember how desperately I tried to appear awake, so the nurses would let me hold her. Kevin gave her to me, and I just told myself, hold her strong, don't drop her...I was so weak. I looked at her in my groggy state, and started crying and couldn't stop. She was SO beautiful, so perfect!!! I couldn't believe she was mine! She had a dimple on her chin, I remember noticing that.
I don't remember who took her away, but after some nurse shoved my boob into the baby's mouth, Bailey got passed around the visitors and I slept. I'm also sad I missed seeing their reactions to seeing Bailey for the first time. But over the next few days at the hospital I really enjoyed seeing family and friends love on her, I was so proud. Kevin was so gentle with her and with me, I was very happy.
Bailey did have jaundice, so after we got home, the next day we had to go back and she had to spend 2 more days. I had delivered her at Kennedy, but she was admitted to Virtua with her jaundice - what a difference!! The nurses at Kennedy were not kind, I really didn't enjoy the environment of that hospital. Virtua bent over backwards for us, so that made it easier to be there. Bailey was in a light bed, with little goggles on her eyes. I was so hormonal, and I just couldn't stop crying that Bailey was not being snuggled by me, she was in an incubator. I remember reminding myself though, that if this was the worst of it, I was so much more fortunate than many, many families. There was no reasoning with my hormones though and I was SO happy when we were cleared to go home.
A few days after that, I got a phone call that Bailey's heel prick test when she was born showed she may have Cystic Fibrosis. I was laying on the floor with her, and I remember sitting up, and asking what that was. She didn't explain it, she said before we jumped to any conclusions Bailey had to be tested. I looked it up on the internet (the beginning with my love-hate relationship with Google - although at that time was it Yahoo or something?) and freaked out. The next few days I licked Bailey's arms continuously (that used to be an old way to test for CF, if you could taste the salt on the skin) and waited for the first test results for the sweat test we did - they had taken a band and put it around her arm, which had painless electrodes or something, and then they measure the salt content in the sweat. It came back borderline, as did the next THREE tests. Finally they did a genetic blood test and she did have CF. They didn't do the blood test right away because there's over 1000 mutations and it takes longer. I remember the nurse from CHOP telling me that if her child had to have CF, Bailey had the most mild mutation and she'd want that. I remember yelling into the phone, "who would want their baby to have a disease that could kill her?!" She was such a nice nurse, I just took it out on her. I wouldn't put Bailey down for days, I cried many tears onto her pretty little head.
Hmmm this has turned into much more than a birth story...but it all flows together in my head to me. What I learned from Bailey's birth and then her diagnosis, is that life does not turn out the way we plan all the time!! Sometimes it's worth grieving over, sometimes you have to move on quickly. I wish I had moved on quicker, during Bailey's first year of life. What a precious time that was, just me and this chubby, pink, HEALTHY baby...and so often I thought of the birth that wasn't what I wanted, her diagnosis that scared me to death, and whether or not we should even have more children. I wish I could go back and hold that sweetheart of a baby and just ENJOY her more. She was such a dollbaby. Every day she'd take her afternoon nap on me, I loved it. I'd nurse her and she'd fall asleep, the 2 of us in my Lazyboy. She'd wake up hot, with her sweaty head on me, and look at me with her huge brown eyes and smile. How many of those naps did I pray to God and beg Him for her health, instead of thanking Him for how healthy she was. I was so scared. I DID take much joy in her, but some of my joy was taken away by fear.
That season of fear in my life passed, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the health Bailey has...and of course, I am INCREDIBLY thankful for her...a gift from God. We say our babies are the best gifts we never asked for. Both of them came to us as a surprise, and I can't imagine having any other 2 children but Bailey and Taylor. They are daily reminders of how God knows what we need SO much better than we do.
Tatie Tot's story next week...I know you're on pins and needles waiting. :)
I got pregnant with Bailey when I was 23, not quite 1 1/2 yrs into our "5 year plan." I was taking 2 grad classes and working as a social worker. That morning, I freaked out...as in, I took a pregnancy test, got into the shower and peeked out at a couple of flaming lines (I think it was laughing at me too) and promptly fell. As I was sitting on the shower floor, I immediately felt guilty, what if I hurt the baby already.
Mommy guilt is a pervasive, nasty thing...but more on that another time.
Kevin and I went to LabCorp for a blood test, and by that evening I was praying it would be positive for sure. The nurse called to tell me, she said, "Hi Mommy" and I started weeping (no surprises there I'm sure). I was so happy...I had always wanted to be a mom, so what if it happened faster than we thought.
I had assumed that because I had always wanted to be a mom, for some reason I would have a great pregnancy. I have NO idea why I thought that, and at around 7 weeks I started getting sick...and it didn't stop. I was sick almost daily - sometimes several times daily - throughout the whole thing I threw up in a hairdresser's sink, I threw up all over my MIL's books she had stacked on the floor, I threw up in the car...many, many times. I was so sensitive to smell, and it could make me sick before I even knew it. Brushing my teeth meant getting sick, every time. It was not the worst thing in the world by any means...I knew how blessed I was to be growing a baby with no problems except for getting sick. But it was difficult, and I counted down the days until I could have the baby.
We found out we were having a girl, and I was over the moon. I had thought it would be a boy because of the tons of boys on Kevin's side, but here it was a girl. I was so glad we found out so I could plan, and I rubbed my huge stretch mark striped tummy and talked to my baby.
We took 12 weeks of Bradley classes, where they try to prepare you for a natural childbirth. I didn't want to bury the placenta or anything, but I really wanted to be "present" for her arrival, and in the off-chance the drugs would do anything to her, I didn't want to take them. That is $250 I wish I had back...but actually, the classes were really nice because for 1/2 hr of the 2 1/2 hr class, Kevin had to do a "relaxation exercise" with me which I LOVED. Massage and slow, quiet talking. But not only did I take drugs, I ended up with a C-section...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I was being monitored by a specialist because of a blood clotting history in my family, so at an ultrasound a few weeks before my due date they realized my amniotic fluid level was low. I had to come back the next day, and it was a lot lower. But I didn't feel like I was leaking any, I still don't know what happened. Anyway, they had me check in, and induced me. The baby's head hadn't even dropped, I knew from my reading ('cause that's what you do when you have time to kill before a baby...it's probably the last book I read) that if you're induced, you have a much higher chance of drugs or a C-section. Fast forward 36 hours of hell, and at 10:53 pm Bailey Caelyn came into the world by C-section. They had to take her out, and I'm glad they did. Thank God for medical intervention. However, because of all that vomiting I was telling you about...literally ON the operating table I got the dry heaves, and I couldn't stop. So they actually knocked me out, and to this day I am still devastated by that. I didn't get to see her come out, and I was out for over an hour afterwards.
Kevin knew I'd want to be the first one to hold the baby, and he didn't let anyone except him hold her until I could. When I woke up, all I could think to say was, "my baby, my baby..." and I still remember how desperately I tried to appear awake, so the nurses would let me hold her. Kevin gave her to me, and I just told myself, hold her strong, don't drop her...I was so weak. I looked at her in my groggy state, and started crying and couldn't stop. She was SO beautiful, so perfect!!! I couldn't believe she was mine! She had a dimple on her chin, I remember noticing that.
I don't remember who took her away, but after some nurse shoved my boob into the baby's mouth, Bailey got passed around the visitors and I slept. I'm also sad I missed seeing their reactions to seeing Bailey for the first time. But over the next few days at the hospital I really enjoyed seeing family and friends love on her, I was so proud. Kevin was so gentle with her and with me, I was very happy.
Bailey did have jaundice, so after we got home, the next day we had to go back and she had to spend 2 more days. I had delivered her at Kennedy, but she was admitted to Virtua with her jaundice - what a difference!! The nurses at Kennedy were not kind, I really didn't enjoy the environment of that hospital. Virtua bent over backwards for us, so that made it easier to be there. Bailey was in a light bed, with little goggles on her eyes. I was so hormonal, and I just couldn't stop crying that Bailey was not being snuggled by me, she was in an incubator. I remember reminding myself though, that if this was the worst of it, I was so much more fortunate than many, many families. There was no reasoning with my hormones though and I was SO happy when we were cleared to go home.
A few days after that, I got a phone call that Bailey's heel prick test when she was born showed she may have Cystic Fibrosis. I was laying on the floor with her, and I remember sitting up, and asking what that was. She didn't explain it, she said before we jumped to any conclusions Bailey had to be tested. I looked it up on the internet (the beginning with my love-hate relationship with Google - although at that time was it Yahoo or something?) and freaked out. The next few days I licked Bailey's arms continuously (that used to be an old way to test for CF, if you could taste the salt on the skin) and waited for the first test results for the sweat test we did - they had taken a band and put it around her arm, which had painless electrodes or something, and then they measure the salt content in the sweat. It came back borderline, as did the next THREE tests. Finally they did a genetic blood test and she did have CF. They didn't do the blood test right away because there's over 1000 mutations and it takes longer. I remember the nurse from CHOP telling me that if her child had to have CF, Bailey had the most mild mutation and she'd want that. I remember yelling into the phone, "who would want their baby to have a disease that could kill her?!" She was such a nice nurse, I just took it out on her. I wouldn't put Bailey down for days, I cried many tears onto her pretty little head.
Hmmm this has turned into much more than a birth story...but it all flows together in my head to me. What I learned from Bailey's birth and then her diagnosis, is that life does not turn out the way we plan all the time!! Sometimes it's worth grieving over, sometimes you have to move on quickly. I wish I had moved on quicker, during Bailey's first year of life. What a precious time that was, just me and this chubby, pink, HEALTHY baby...and so often I thought of the birth that wasn't what I wanted, her diagnosis that scared me to death, and whether or not we should even have more children. I wish I could go back and hold that sweetheart of a baby and just ENJOY her more. She was such a dollbaby. Every day she'd take her afternoon nap on me, I loved it. I'd nurse her and she'd fall asleep, the 2 of us in my Lazyboy. She'd wake up hot, with her sweaty head on me, and look at me with her huge brown eyes and smile. How many of those naps did I pray to God and beg Him for her health, instead of thanking Him for how healthy she was. I was so scared. I DID take much joy in her, but some of my joy was taken away by fear.
That season of fear in my life passed, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the health Bailey has...and of course, I am INCREDIBLY thankful for her...a gift from God. We say our babies are the best gifts we never asked for. Both of them came to us as a surprise, and I can't imagine having any other 2 children but Bailey and Taylor. They are daily reminders of how God knows what we need SO much better than we do.
Tatie Tot's story next week...I know you're on pins and needles waiting. :)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Bailey part 2
Just an update to let you know that Bailey is doing better, thank you for thinking of her. Fever is down, no more vomiting even after a few bites of food and drink, sore throat not as bad, and her spirit is a bit improved. She is sleeping right now, at not quite 4pm, which means I don't know how she'll sleep tonight but when you're sick, you sleep when you need.
As I carried her into my bedroom which is where she wanted to nap, I looked into the mirror of this girl I was carrying, gangly legs dangling, and I had a flashback. When she was a baby and we lived in a condo, her bedroom was right across the hall from our bathroom. Every time I exited her room, I would see the mirror reflection of me carrying her, nestled into my arms. It would fill me with pride (when I wasn't focused on how god-awful I looked) that I had this little baby, I was home and caring for her. By the time we moved and she was 8 months old, I remember seeing the reflection of carrying her on my hip, not nestled in my arms. Now, it's hard carrying her at all, though she loves it. So when I can and it's not unseemly - like in public - I will carry her once in awhile back to her room. How long until I can't do that, or of course she doesn't want me to?
Yesterday as I was leaving to meet my fave fake sister-in-law for some shopping, I said good-bye to the girls. We have a tradition that when anyone leaves - even to run to the 7-11 - we all stand at the window and wave. At times it's annoying frankly, having the window rolled down in 20 degree weather, waving and yelling, "Love you! kisses! bye! be back soon!" But most of the time it makes me feel very loved and I want my girls to feel so also. Well, saying good-bye yesterday, Bailey says, "Mom, I don't know if I'm going to wave, I'm a bit busy here." She was coloring and watching a movie. I said "of course, I love you, bye!" and gave a kiss. Backing out of the driveway I see Sissy (Taylor) waving and blowing kisses - and then I see Bailey, who did come to the window after all.
My girls are growing up too fast. Did I bring it on myself - all those days when they were little and I felt at the end of my rope, longing for them to be a bit more independent? Thinking I could not POSSIBLY go to the bathroom one more time with a child literally sitting on my lap and another on my feet? I have the bathroom to myself most of the time now...well - ok I enjoy that part. But I miss their chubby hands clinging to my neck, thinking I hung the moon. I can feel we're in a sort of transition - they are not those little ones anymore, especially Bailey, yet they still depend on me and I feel wanted and needed. But unlike those early years where I couldn't imagine ever having my sanity back, I can see now how soon it will be until I am the one asking them to please sit on the floor with me and stay a while.
Now I depressed myself and feel like crying. Someone pass me a baby. I meant tissue.
No, we are not going to have any more, unless God blesses us somehow. I'm not too old yet, and one never knows until the gates are shut, you know what I mean? But we know our limitations so 2 children is a good fit for us. We want them to receive as much of us as they need, especially with their special needs, and there's only so much of us to go around. Not to mention it's nice to still have time for each other, and the things we like to do.
I have said before, i write as I talk. Here I just wanted to let you know how Bailey was feeling and now you know our reproductive plans.
I think I am going to go clean the girls' rooms, because even though they're old enough to do it themselves (although I say that very loosely, as their definition of clean is not nearly what mine is) isn't it nice when someone does it for you?
As I carried her into my bedroom which is where she wanted to nap, I looked into the mirror of this girl I was carrying, gangly legs dangling, and I had a flashback. When she was a baby and we lived in a condo, her bedroom was right across the hall from our bathroom. Every time I exited her room, I would see the mirror reflection of me carrying her, nestled into my arms. It would fill me with pride (when I wasn't focused on how god-awful I looked) that I had this little baby, I was home and caring for her. By the time we moved and she was 8 months old, I remember seeing the reflection of carrying her on my hip, not nestled in my arms. Now, it's hard carrying her at all, though she loves it. So when I can and it's not unseemly - like in public - I will carry her once in awhile back to her room. How long until I can't do that, or of course she doesn't want me to?
Yesterday as I was leaving to meet my fave fake sister-in-law for some shopping, I said good-bye to the girls. We have a tradition that when anyone leaves - even to run to the 7-11 - we all stand at the window and wave. At times it's annoying frankly, having the window rolled down in 20 degree weather, waving and yelling, "Love you! kisses! bye! be back soon!" But most of the time it makes me feel very loved and I want my girls to feel so also. Well, saying good-bye yesterday, Bailey says, "Mom, I don't know if I'm going to wave, I'm a bit busy here." She was coloring and watching a movie. I said "of course, I love you, bye!" and gave a kiss. Backing out of the driveway I see Sissy (Taylor) waving and blowing kisses - and then I see Bailey, who did come to the window after all.
My girls are growing up too fast. Did I bring it on myself - all those days when they were little and I felt at the end of my rope, longing for them to be a bit more independent? Thinking I could not POSSIBLY go to the bathroom one more time with a child literally sitting on my lap and another on my feet? I have the bathroom to myself most of the time now...well - ok I enjoy that part. But I miss their chubby hands clinging to my neck, thinking I hung the moon. I can feel we're in a sort of transition - they are not those little ones anymore, especially Bailey, yet they still depend on me and I feel wanted and needed. But unlike those early years where I couldn't imagine ever having my sanity back, I can see now how soon it will be until I am the one asking them to please sit on the floor with me and stay a while.
Now I depressed myself and feel like crying. Someone pass me a baby. I meant tissue.
No, we are not going to have any more, unless God blesses us somehow. I'm not too old yet, and one never knows until the gates are shut, you know what I mean? But we know our limitations so 2 children is a good fit for us. We want them to receive as much of us as they need, especially with their special needs, and there's only so much of us to go around. Not to mention it's nice to still have time for each other, and the things we like to do.
I have said before, i write as I talk. Here I just wanted to let you know how Bailey was feeling and now you know our reproductive plans.
I think I am going to go clean the girls' rooms, because even though they're old enough to do it themselves (although I say that very loosely, as their definition of clean is not nearly what mine is) isn't it nice when someone does it for you?
my Bailey Caelyn
Good morning...hoping this Sunday finds you resting and refilled. Of course if you're a mom or dad of young children, having a Sabbath day is a difficult concept - if you truly rest on Sunday (and by that I mean no housework or errands - you can't skip a day of childrearing, unless you have someone that takes your kids out of the house that day) all of your chores for the week are multiplied. Don't run the dishwasher or put away that laundry? Don't wipe up the bathroom counters or vac up the dirt the dog brought in? It will be worse tomorrow.
So how does one obey God and take a day of rest, without having to do double the work the next day? If you figure it out let me know.
I wasn't going to write about that.
I want to write about Bailey.
(excuse me while I take a moment to pat myself on the back for figuring out how to load up a pic here)
She is asleep in my bed right now, sick. She appears to have a virus of some kind, achy, fever, vomiting, headache, etc. I am thankful I went to bed last night at 10pm, as every hour on the hour after 1am was with Bailey and trying to help her. When she is sick I worry about her so much, wondering what's going on in that little body of hers. Because she has Cystic Fibrosis ( go to CFF.org for more info) we have to be watchful that her symptoms don't get worse, as CFers have a much harder time fighting infection/bacteria, etc. We are SO grateful that her 7 years have been filled with health and joy - at this point most CFers have experienced numerous hospital stays and their days are filled with breathing treatments to clear their lungs of mucus and taking enzymes before every meal so they can digest their food.
Bailey does have to do a little of that, and she's asthmatic so she uses inhalers, but she doesn't take any enzymes and has never been an in-patient.
When Bailey was first diagnosed, I grieved more than when my father died. She was a precious baby, happy and content. Her thighs had delicious nooks and crannies, and she was the picture of health. I couldn't believe that she had something inside of her that the internet was telling me could kill her - as young as a child, on average as a 30-something adult. CF has no cure (YET) and it is a progressive disease. I went crazy researching the internet all hours of the night, reading medical journals and blogs, trying to find that magic article that was going to tell me she was going to live a long, happy, healthy life. I did find CFers that had her particular genetic mutation (there are over 1000 and hers is mild) and one was still alive in his 60's - but in that I didn't even take much comfort because males with her mutation show less symptoms than females.
I was missing out on her babyhood, worrying so much about her adulthood.
That season of my life is over, and since I have come to terms with her diagnosis. I struggled with God during that time in my life - not understanding how He could let my precious baby who did nothing wrong, have something so ugly lurking inside of her. I have come to believe that He has big plans for Bailey, and her CF won't hold her back, it will strengthen her and be used for His glory. The most I can understand God is from a parent's perspective. He loves her so much, and wants nothing but the best for her. But we are in a fallen world, and this side of Heaven there is no perfection, no life without challenges. He wants to help us, just as we want to help our children - He wants to protect us and bless us - but He knows what the end of the road looks like and we don't. He knows what's around every bend, what will happen. I don't know how He works, but after all these years of learning and praying, my heart tells me His will for us is good, His love is like nothing I can comprehend. And because I love my children so much, I can only marvel at how much He loves them, and I am thankful beyond words. Trusting God has been a process for me, and I'm still learning. But for today, I am trusting.
When I pray for my daughter, I pray for protection from sickness and ill-will, I pray for joy and contentment, and that her spirit of love be shared with others. God is using Bailey and I am so blessed to be a front-row spectator.
So how does one obey God and take a day of rest, without having to do double the work the next day? If you figure it out let me know.
I wasn't going to write about that.
I want to write about Bailey.
(excuse me while I take a moment to pat myself on the back for figuring out how to load up a pic here)
She is asleep in my bed right now, sick. She appears to have a virus of some kind, achy, fever, vomiting, headache, etc. I am thankful I went to bed last night at 10pm, as every hour on the hour after 1am was with Bailey and trying to help her. When she is sick I worry about her so much, wondering what's going on in that little body of hers. Because she has Cystic Fibrosis ( go to CFF.org for more info) we have to be watchful that her symptoms don't get worse, as CFers have a much harder time fighting infection/bacteria, etc. We are SO grateful that her 7 years have been filled with health and joy - at this point most CFers have experienced numerous hospital stays and their days are filled with breathing treatments to clear their lungs of mucus and taking enzymes before every meal so they can digest their food.
Bailey does have to do a little of that, and she's asthmatic so she uses inhalers, but she doesn't take any enzymes and has never been an in-patient.
When Bailey was first diagnosed, I grieved more than when my father died. She was a precious baby, happy and content. Her thighs had delicious nooks and crannies, and she was the picture of health. I couldn't believe that she had something inside of her that the internet was telling me could kill her - as young as a child, on average as a 30-something adult. CF has no cure (YET) and it is a progressive disease. I went crazy researching the internet all hours of the night, reading medical journals and blogs, trying to find that magic article that was going to tell me she was going to live a long, happy, healthy life. I did find CFers that had her particular genetic mutation (there are over 1000 and hers is mild) and one was still alive in his 60's - but in that I didn't even take much comfort because males with her mutation show less symptoms than females.
I was missing out on her babyhood, worrying so much about her adulthood.
That season of my life is over, and since I have come to terms with her diagnosis. I struggled with God during that time in my life - not understanding how He could let my precious baby who did nothing wrong, have something so ugly lurking inside of her. I have come to believe that He has big plans for Bailey, and her CF won't hold her back, it will strengthen her and be used for His glory. The most I can understand God is from a parent's perspective. He loves her so much, and wants nothing but the best for her. But we are in a fallen world, and this side of Heaven there is no perfection, no life without challenges. He wants to help us, just as we want to help our children - He wants to protect us and bless us - but He knows what the end of the road looks like and we don't. He knows what's around every bend, what will happen. I don't know how He works, but after all these years of learning and praying, my heart tells me His will for us is good, His love is like nothing I can comprehend. And because I love my children so much, I can only marvel at how much He loves them, and I am thankful beyond words. Trusting God has been a process for me, and I'm still learning. But for today, I am trusting.
When I pray for my daughter, I pray for protection from sickness and ill-will, I pray for joy and contentment, and that her spirit of love be shared with others. God is using Bailey and I am so blessed to be a front-row spectator.
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