last word

Waiting outside this morning, Taylor was doing some kind of large bird impersonation.  "MakKAW, MakKAW!!"  is what it sounded like.  Normally she is a cat, so this was a huge change of pace.  If we were the only ones waiting for the bus, I'd just ask her to makKAW a little softer in case anyone was still sleeping.  But the little brat boy across the street and 2 other kids that are usually in before-care were outside and looking at her weird.

Taken on her first day of kindergarten this past September.  

Now, Tate doesn't give a flying rip if you look at her weird.  I'm kind of used to it, but it does make my heart go a little soft towards her.  Anyway, I said, "Taylor, use your words instead" and she makKAWed at me.  To which I said, "Taylor, listen and obey.  I said use words instead of animal noises.  Are you going to have fun in computers today?"  (She loves when they work with computers, which they do on Thursdays.  But girlfriend was on to my try-to-divert-attention trick and continued to makKAW.

The two dads waiting with the other kids (who were all quiet by the way, and standing there calmly waiting for the bus) were watching, and I felt their eyes.  One of the dads is really nice, and I remember when his daughter was younger they really had to work with her on her behavior, and I didn't feel the judgement.  The other dad, whose only child is "a genius" who is stifled by our public school system because he's too smart for them...now, I don't know if he was judging or not.  He's nice enough, but we just don't click.  He doesn't really "get" my girls, and I don't really "get" his former-Montessori, karate kid who gets his way on everything.  Regardless, I felt what every mom in a situation like this feels...

When you are in public, and your kid is disobeying, you try to get him/her to stop and they DON'T, then you issue some kind of warning "If you continue to do x, when we get home you will lose your tv privilege" or something like that.  What ensues will be one of three options - kid starts screaming bloody hell, bringing even MORE unwanted attention, kid actually obeys or kid continues unwanted activity and you are either whispering more threats, trying to shoot daggers with your eyes that say, "Are you serious kid?  Do you realize that as soon as we get in the car I am going to lose it?" or trying to move the kid to another area (away from others eyes) asap.

I knelt down to Taylor as she continued to makKAW (which by the way, where on EARTH did this come from?!) and said, "Tate, I'm serious, that's enough.  Talk normally, and don't do this at school.  Do you understand?  I don't want you to have to get a time-out the second you get home from school!"

"FINE!!!!!  Ugh!!  Stop talking to me, your breath smells!"

And I really wanted her to talk?!

The bus came rolling down the street and I happily kissed them both...as Taylor climbed the steps, she turned and did one last loud MAKKAW!!

Whatever, she's her teacher's problem now, for the next 7 hours.

scripting

"I'll take 2 iced teas, please."

This is what Taylor said to me, waking me up this morning.

"Taylor, you don't drink iced tea and we don't have iced tea - go ask Bailey to get you water." (Daddy was playing basketball or I would have pawned her off on him first).

Yes, moms of little ones - this is what you have to look forward to!!!  In a few years, your older child can serve your younger one so you can SLEEP MORE!!  It only works if you have a very responsible older child who also loves to tattle tale, you sleep with your door open to be awakened to catastrophe, and you have observed for countless weekend mornings your children's ability to zone in to the tv like statues so you are assured they can't get into trouble.

"I said, I'll take 2 iced teas, please."

So I opened one eye,  and looked at my girl, who was looking at me like, "Are you dumb as dirt or just have a hearing problem?"

I just laid there for a second, and thought about it as I was coming out of my sleepy stupor...and realized she was scripting.

I learned the hard way what scripting is - and in Taylor's case, it is talking to you and you think she's conversing with you, but her end of the conversation is right out of a movie.

When she was 4, one night she woke up whining that her leg hurt.  "I have to go to the bathroom...my leg hurts..." so in the middle of the night there I was, massaging her legs wondering if it was growing pains.  I gave her Tylenol, gave her a bath.  She finally fell back to sleep.

The next day, she starts in again with the bathroom and leg thing.  I say to Kevin "I'm going to have to take her to the doctor I guess, I don't know what's wrong with her..." and Bailey says, "that's from the Up movie Mommy."

What?

So from then on, I had to listen carefully and many times ask Bailey, if Taylor's words were her own or from a movie.  Her pre-k teacher (special ed, so of course she had seen this and understood) told me it is sometimes a way for a child to engage without totally engaging, or they just love that part of a movie, or they need control of a conversation...many reasons.

Regardless, it has made life more interesting.  Many times, more frustrating as I try to get Taylor to talk to me, not repeat something she's seen or heard - and she likes me to play whatever the part is too ("Mommy, say this - SAY IT!!!!!") and insert complete breakdown here.

But as she gets older, it has gotten better.  She doesn't do it as often, and sometimes she's easily talked out of it.  Once in awhile, I play into it, as I would if she was a neurotypical child who's just playing and pretending.  The difference is, if she's doing it out of stress or just play.

This morning, after I figured out where little girlfriend was coming from, I went ahead and got her some "iced tea."  And the kiss she gave me - and I believe it was from Taylor herself and not part of a movie - was so good that I decided to stay up and not go back to bed, and I cuddled with my girls.

I'm sorry, so sorry...

Tonight I took the girls to our town's library, after their art class.  I'm actually really into our new routine, as their art class is right around the corner from the library so I think it will encourage us to go weekly.  Every time we do, I'm reminded of how much I love spending time among the books, students, kids corner...and they have a couponing basket!!

Anyway, as we walked in tonight, I heard a child humming loudly.  I didn't see him at first, just heard him.  Within 5 seconds, I realized it was an autism-type of hum.  I walked my children across the room to the bathroom - I was thankful that in the car I told them once we got to the library we had to wash our hands from the art class.  Once we were in the bathroom, I reminded them that some children can't help the things they do, and this little boy might hum a lot while we were there and I wanted them to say a prayer for him in their heads, but to not say anything to him about his humming.  Bailey is always a shoe-in for the kid-who-won't-embarrass-me, but Tatie Tot's a loose cannon.  She has gotten SO much better, but I was unsure if she came nose to nose with the humming boy, that her questions, complaints or concerns might come spilling out.

We were there about 45 minutes, and what bothered me wasn't the boy's humming...it was his mom.  His beautiful mom, there with her son and her other child, a daughter about 7.   Her son looked about 5.  She must have said "I'm sorry" about 50 times.  What touched me so much was that her apologies were in front of her daughter, that made my heart break.  She had nothing to be sorry for!  She took her children to the LIBRARY...not an expensive restaurant.  Just because her son has a special need, she shouldn't go places?  Or she deserves to be there any less?  AND...her son seemed to have a serious special need, but perhaps he knows what she's saying too.

I am so happy to say, that not only was Taylor - both my girls - on their best behavior, but it wasn't so long ago, that a noise like the humming would have prevented Taylor from enjoying the library at all.  A year ago, definitely 2 years ago, I would have had to bribe Bailey with something, and had to leave, carrying a screaming Tatie in my arms.  I am so thankful, that a trip to the library was so enjoyable for my girls and I.  I did not say, 'I'm sorry' once.

It wasn't so long ago I was saying a lot of apologies.  In front of my children.  I apologized when Taylor held her ears during dance class because she hated the tapping noise.  I apologized when she screamed at the Applebee's because the family at the next table ordered fajitas and she hated the smell and the smoke.  I apologized to the checkout girl at the grocery store, as I balanced a mad Tatie on my hip as I threw foods that she hated to look at on the belt.  I apologized to family, friends, teachers.  Why was I sorry?

This woman tonight, she left the library skipping.  Literally.  Her son didn't want to leave, his humming became even louder and he was trying to fall to the floor and she half carried him skipping out the door, trying to get him to skip.  How exhausted is this mom.  I desperately wanted to approach her, but I get so nervous about doing that.  It brings tears to me now, thinking of my missed opportunity, of my fear.

That should be what I'm sorry about.  For not telling this mom she had nothing to be sorry for.

Chinese food is on it's way

If the title leaves a question as to my mood, I will tell you.  I love food (duh) and it is a comfort in my life.  I wish it wasn't, but it is.  And today was a long, very draining day and at almost 9pm I am really hungry and really ready to take a load off.  Which is where the Chinese food comes in.  Mmmm it will be so good and my couch will be so soft, and I am hoping something good is on tv.

So I woke up at 6am after going to bed at 2am = not enough sleep for me.  I had to get the girls packed up for a day away from home  - I had to bring the van in to be worked on and my MIL was going to bring us to ChickFilA, then the mall for a movie while she went to the dentist, then to the pool and tonight Bailey had her softball party.  Aside from my heart attack when I found out how much the van work was going to be, everything was busy but great.

And then we had the softball party.  It was held at a local ice cream place, one we had not been to before.

And that should have been Clue #1 that Tatie might have a hard time.  Clue #2 would be that it would be loud, Clue #3 would have been that she would be tired from the day and #4 would have been sharing Bailey.

So the thing is, Bailey is extremely social.  She ran into the ice cream parlor hugging her friends, laughing, immediately jumping in to the crowd.  Taylor took it all in for a second, said "Hey!!  I want friends too!"  and ran to catch up with Bailey.  Now that Bailey's age group is getting older, Taylor is starting to get looks when she hovers around Bailey or acts inappropriately.  Tonight she was so socially inept, and it broke my heart.  Made me sweat.  I got some looks, and that always feels worse than stepping barefoot in dog turd on a hot sunny day.

Just sayin.

Taylor was loud, obnoxious, had no manners, and kept trying to butt in with all the softball friends.  I kept trying to reel her in and have her hang out with Kevin and I, but she wanted to be with Bailey and "the friends."  All the other siblings were with their families, but there Taylor was, sitting at the big table, with me behind her, and every 2 seconds whispering another "Tatie, calm, shhh..."

It was exhausting.  I had wished one of us had had the foresight to know how it would go down, and just took Bailey to enjoy it by herself.  But it was a family party and we just didn't think.  Sometimes Taylor is spot-on with behavior, and nobody would know anything was different.  Then at times like tonight, you don't know what other people think...she has plenty of skills a "typical" kid would have, but she acts strangely enough to leave folks wondering.  Once in awhile I get into a conversation with someone who doesn't know her well, and by the time I say her diagnosis, I get, "ohhh that's it...I thought something, but didn't know...oh!"  And that feels kind of yucky, 'cause I know they're saying they could tell she was different but didn't know what it was.

Here's the thing though...if I wasn't worried what everyone else thought of her, I would be pleased with the fact that she wanted to be social!!  At the beginning of her journey, she couldn't have cared less.  Also, I was proud of Bailey, who not once shot Taylor a dirty look (like some of her friends did) or asked me to take Tate away.  Of course they fought all the way home, but at the parlor, I took notice of that and was proud of my sister-girls.

Well, the girls are asleep now, and Kevin just walked in with my hit.  When I go to bed tonight and think of the day, as I always do, I want to think about all the fun and nice moments we had today, not the moments that made me cringe or twitch.  Because guess what...tomorrow we have nowhere we have to be in the morning, and that almost sounds better than digging into some chicken and broccoli.  Almost.