Last night I was dressing in jeans and a shirt, and unfortunately, the jeans that were clean were the ones that pronounce my muffin top.
It's not my fault, it's poorly made jeans. Really. Has nothing to do with me eating actual muffins. And anything else that's not nailed down.
Which brings me to my point of this post.
If I was a doctor, or a researcher, I would study why fat people keep eating. WHY?! Most overweight people don't WANT to be overweight. A skinny person would say, "Then just don't eat! Exercise more! It's not rocket science!"
And guess what - That is exactly how one loses weight. And people do, it's not impossible! But for the person who would love to be thinner, CRIES because they are not, what happens physiologically between those thoughts of "I am going to exercise x/times a week and eat x/calories a day..." and then overeating again.
Sometimes I think it's a simple reason. Habit. Emotion. A genetic predisposition perhaps to carry more weight.
But sometimes, I think it's really something that the medical world hasn't cracked yet. How does one get to be HUNDREDS of pounds? Oh my heart breaks for them!! They can't WANT to be like that, life is passing them by! And yet, they "let" themselves get like that. To me, it is no different than a smoker who knocks out 2, 3 packs a day or an alcoholic who can't pass by the liquor store day after day, even though they are losing their job, house, family. SOMETHING takes over that is STRONGER than anything they think in their head, and they take another drink.
I don't know. I'm just rambling. Two times in my life have I lost a chunk of weight. Something came over me and I WOULD NOT "cheat." Something came over me.
Where is that something and would it please come over me?!
In the meantime, now I really am craving a muffin for breakfast.
Showing posts with label Tummy Tuesday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tummy Tuesday. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Spanx Me
My brother-in-law is getting married 2 days after Christmas, to his girl of 4 years who I LOVE. I am so happy about this upcoming wedding! My girls are going to be the flower girls, Kevin is best man and they have asked me to do a reading. That means people are going to be looking at me. Which means, I need to wear Spanx under my dress.
I found a dress I love, and it was a real treat because it's a size 14W (the W is for Womens not Wide, like I thought for years...but really, you say tomata, I say tomato) - and I am not a 14. More like a 16. No, an 18. Why not just tell it like it is, it's like being pregnant, you can't hide it.
Unless you're like one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" women on that TLC show. How do you NOT know you're pregnant until you're popping out a kid on a toilet?! But I digress.
So anyway, I found this beautiful dress. God blessed me, because I tried on a ton of dresses that either made me look like a tent or I couldn't zip it up. I had been trying on dresses in the "regular" section, but then had to bite my pride, and ask a salesgirl if they had a womens section (Macy's). She started to say they didn't have one, and another salesgirl butted in and said that they did, but it was small and all the way at the back of the store by the bathrooms.
That walk, through the 2nd floor of Macy's, was long. I was with my mom, and couldn't look at her for fear I would cry. Why are the fatties banned to the back of the store? Once we were there, there was a dismal selection of black, brown and blue dresses. It was like they were saying, "You are allowed to go to a funeral, but no fun for you. There is no such thing as a fat girl getting a dress to go somewhere fun. Who do you think you are?" So I walked around the few racks, and hidden in one was this champagne colored dress with some beading around the middle and a little jacket, 3 quarter sleeves...I loved it. No others like it and a size 14...but I thought, I'll just see what it looks like and maybe I can find it at another store.
It fit, my mom and I were almost jumping up and down.
So fast forward to last weekend, I head back to the mall, this time to Boscov's where I had heard their store brand of Spanx was less expensive and fit better. Because, dear friends, the last time I wore a Spanx I got a horrible rash where the fabric cut into me, and I might have torn the crotch trying to take it off.
No not might have. I tore the crotch.
I needed a new one also because with this dress I had to get the kind that had a strapless bra built in. So I start looking at them (the kind that has the bra and then goes all the way to mid thigh - it's a little scary), and realize that they're only giving the bra size...I was expecting to see L, XL, etc. So I choose my bra size and then head back, looking at this garment and wondering how on earth how it is a "one size fits all" kind of situation.
I undress, which is never pleasant...things always look worse in a department store dressing room. When will they learn that women will buy more if their lighting was better?! I suck in my breath, and start in. It took considerable maneuvering, some swearing, a prayer and I was panting by the time that thing was on. But it does the job, and I admire how my thighs are missing a few of their regular ripples, and my stomach is smoother. Ok I'll buy it.
Wait, ohmygoodness. How am I going to get this thing off? What if I rip it? I stand there for a minute, not knowing what my next move should be. Should I start from the top, and just slowly roll it down? Yes, that's smart, go slow. My mom starts to ask if I'm ok in there, do I need help? Help would be good Ma, just go ahead and trim about 50 pounds off my stomach and my ass so I don't have to be sweating bullets in a Boscov's lady's dressing room where no less than 20 women over the age of 70 have come in and gone, trying on their bosom holders and slips...wondering how and if I'm ever going to remove what has become a second skin off of me.
The end of this story is that I did in fact get out of the generic-brand-Spanx, and it is now hanging in my closet, laughing at me until the wedding. I hear it, late at night, taunting me. A best friend/worst enemy kind of situation.
I will add this to my list of Top Ten things that scare the living daylights out of me. Wondering if I had to be cut out of a Spanx in a dressing room.
I found a dress I love, and it was a real treat because it's a size 14W (the W is for Womens not Wide, like I thought for years...but really, you say tomata, I say tomato) - and I am not a 14. More like a 16. No, an 18. Why not just tell it like it is, it's like being pregnant, you can't hide it.
Unless you're like one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" women on that TLC show. How do you NOT know you're pregnant until you're popping out a kid on a toilet?! But I digress.
So anyway, I found this beautiful dress. God blessed me, because I tried on a ton of dresses that either made me look like a tent or I couldn't zip it up. I had been trying on dresses in the "regular" section, but then had to bite my pride, and ask a salesgirl if they had a womens section (Macy's). She started to say they didn't have one, and another salesgirl butted in and said that they did, but it was small and all the way at the back of the store by the bathrooms.
That walk, through the 2nd floor of Macy's, was long. I was with my mom, and couldn't look at her for fear I would cry. Why are the fatties banned to the back of the store? Once we were there, there was a dismal selection of black, brown and blue dresses. It was like they were saying, "You are allowed to go to a funeral, but no fun for you. There is no such thing as a fat girl getting a dress to go somewhere fun. Who do you think you are?" So I walked around the few racks, and hidden in one was this champagne colored dress with some beading around the middle and a little jacket, 3 quarter sleeves...I loved it. No others like it and a size 14...but I thought, I'll just see what it looks like and maybe I can find it at another store.
It fit, my mom and I were almost jumping up and down.
So fast forward to last weekend, I head back to the mall, this time to Boscov's where I had heard their store brand of Spanx was less expensive and fit better. Because, dear friends, the last time I wore a Spanx I got a horrible rash where the fabric cut into me, and I might have torn the crotch trying to take it off.
No not might have. I tore the crotch.
I needed a new one also because with this dress I had to get the kind that had a strapless bra built in. So I start looking at them (the kind that has the bra and then goes all the way to mid thigh - it's a little scary), and realize that they're only giving the bra size...I was expecting to see L, XL, etc. So I choose my bra size and then head back, looking at this garment and wondering how on earth how it is a "one size fits all" kind of situation.
I undress, which is never pleasant...things always look worse in a department store dressing room. When will they learn that women will buy more if their lighting was better?! I suck in my breath, and start in. It took considerable maneuvering, some swearing, a prayer and I was panting by the time that thing was on. But it does the job, and I admire how my thighs are missing a few of their regular ripples, and my stomach is smoother. Ok I'll buy it.
Wait, ohmygoodness. How am I going to get this thing off? What if I rip it? I stand there for a minute, not knowing what my next move should be. Should I start from the top, and just slowly roll it down? Yes, that's smart, go slow. My mom starts to ask if I'm ok in there, do I need help? Help would be good Ma, just go ahead and trim about 50 pounds off my stomach and my ass so I don't have to be sweating bullets in a Boscov's lady's dressing room where no less than 20 women over the age of 70 have come in and gone, trying on their bosom holders and slips...wondering how and if I'm ever going to remove what has become a second skin off of me.
The end of this story is that I did in fact get out of the generic-brand-Spanx, and it is now hanging in my closet, laughing at me until the wedding. I hear it, late at night, taunting me. A best friend/worst enemy kind of situation.
I will add this to my list of Top Ten things that scare the living daylights out of me. Wondering if I had to be cut out of a Spanx in a dressing room.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Suck it in and stick it out
It's happened just as I expected it would...swimsuit season is here. I'm knee deep in it. I have not enjoyed the look of myself in a suit...well, ever. That feeling has magnified - along with the size of my ass - over the years. But when I had children I swore I would ditch my issues and get in a suit bc I wanted them to love the water. I really love swimming - ocean, pool, waterpark, lake whatever. I just hate being so vulnerable in something that is but a few yards of fabric over my stretched-marked birthday suit.
Every year at the end of swim season I breath a sigh of relief and then promise myself that next season, I'll have lost tons of weight and won't mind parading myself around at the pool. It sucks when you promise yourself something and don't deliver. But I have to remind myself, that if I was talking to my daughters, or a friend, about how they feel like something like this, I would encourage and not want them to berate themselves so. I should treat myself as I would treat others, no?
So today at the pool, I really enjoyed playing with my girls. We were there for hours, and swam, jumped, tagged...it was a blast. I would have missed out on it if I was sitting in a chair. Walking by the few moms I know from the neighborhood wasn't my favorite part of the day...but I sucked it in, pulled my skirt down a bit (are you picturing it? yes, it's a bathing suit like your grammy has) and held my head high. I may not be the prettiest or thinnest, but my kids had fun with me.
I'm glad I'm sticking to at least one of my promises - wearing a bathing suit. Perhaps one of these days I'll stick to the other, and enjoy a swim season without the stress of wondering how many ripples of thigh cellulite there are peeking out from my skirt.
Every year at the end of swim season I breath a sigh of relief and then promise myself that next season, I'll have lost tons of weight and won't mind parading myself around at the pool. It sucks when you promise yourself something and don't deliver. But I have to remind myself, that if I was talking to my daughters, or a friend, about how they feel like something like this, I would encourage and not want them to berate themselves so. I should treat myself as I would treat others, no?
So today at the pool, I really enjoyed playing with my girls. We were there for hours, and swam, jumped, tagged...it was a blast. I would have missed out on it if I was sitting in a chair. Walking by the few moms I know from the neighborhood wasn't my favorite part of the day...but I sucked it in, pulled my skirt down a bit (are you picturing it? yes, it's a bathing suit like your grammy has) and held my head high. I may not be the prettiest or thinnest, but my kids had fun with me.
I'm glad I'm sticking to at least one of my promises - wearing a bathing suit. Perhaps one of these days I'll stick to the other, and enjoy a swim season without the stress of wondering how many ripples of thigh cellulite there are peeking out from my skirt.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tummy Tuesday and a Top 10
I've probably gained it back since then but on Saturday's weigh in at WW, I lost 2 lbs. Happy about that! But since then, ugh eating too much, esp as I've been trapped in the house with the rain and a sick kid. Emotionally eating, bored eating, baking-with-Bailey eating...
I'll reign it in and hoping this Saturday shows a bit more of a loss!
Top 10 Favorite Foods (I don't know why, bc I'm bored and don't want to do any chores)
1. Mom's cooking. Her meatballs, apple pie, potato skins (only for the Super Bowl and it's been maybe 15 yrs since I've had one!), meatloaf, Ranch dressing, rice...it's better if Mom makes it.
2. Ham roll-ups made by Kevin's aunt Sarah. She makes them for New Years and Kevin's parents always bring me back a plate. That's what you do for fat people fyi - when you go to parties, you bring them home the leftovers :) Well this year our family went to their party too and she made me a HUGE batch, I still have some in the freezer! They are these very thin crepe like appetizers - I know they don't sound good and I only eat ham a few times a year but these are soo good.
3. Cheesecake with my work girlfriends. We always choose a dessert to share, and when it's cheesecake I think, it doesn't get better than that. Fun with friends AND creamy sweetness. Better with fruit sauce.
4. Homemade pizza. Mom makes the best crust (of course) but I've been experimenting. I also love the fun of it, everyone piling on their toppings.
5. Holiday food. Christmas cookies with the kids and giving them to people, seeing their smiles. Turkey and mashed potatoes with the family. Seeing my brother make a well in his mashed potatoes brings me more happiness when I eat mine, I remember that he's done that his whole life. My MIL's mac and cheese, my SIL's crumb apple pie. Love it all, with a side of green beans because I'm healthy like that. No really, I love green beans.
6. Anything Italian. Lasagna, stuffed shells, spaghetti and meatballs...all of it. With salad and bread thank you very much. Love the smells. Love that it freezes well. Love that my husband loves it too and whispers sweet nothings in my ear when I make him pasta.
7. Stir frys. Crunchy veggies, flavorful meat. Tortillas that I've gotten for free with coupons make it even better.
8. Fruit. I love smoothies, fruit salads, berries in pancakes or on cereal, and just a plain old good apple or banana to tide me over until dinner. So thankful for fruit. I love fresh tasting, Farmers Market kind of food.
9. Kevin's summer burgers. My man don't cook. But in the summer, he grills probably once a week and his burgers are delish. My dad bless him always used to burn them to a crisp. Kevin has that fine line down where they're not pink at all (love it in a steak, hate it in a burger) but don't dried and burnt. Plus, I love eating outside with my family and that makes everything taste better too!!
10. Finally, I love a good hoagie. Jersey Mike's in Toms River is pretty good, Primos is pretty good. I can't make one as good as a deli, just can't even with a great roll that we are lucky to have in Jersey. If I really have my way I'd have it with 1/2 a cup of milk and a good deli pickle too, fresh sliced.
If you're still reading - anyone? - what's YOUR fave?
I'll reign it in and hoping this Saturday shows a bit more of a loss!
Top 10 Favorite Foods (I don't know why, bc I'm bored and don't want to do any chores)
1. Mom's cooking. Her meatballs, apple pie, potato skins (only for the Super Bowl and it's been maybe 15 yrs since I've had one!), meatloaf, Ranch dressing, rice...it's better if Mom makes it.
2. Ham roll-ups made by Kevin's aunt Sarah. She makes them for New Years and Kevin's parents always bring me back a plate. That's what you do for fat people fyi - when you go to parties, you bring them home the leftovers :) Well this year our family went to their party too and she made me a HUGE batch, I still have some in the freezer! They are these very thin crepe like appetizers - I know they don't sound good and I only eat ham a few times a year but these are soo good.
3. Cheesecake with my work girlfriends. We always choose a dessert to share, and when it's cheesecake I think, it doesn't get better than that. Fun with friends AND creamy sweetness. Better with fruit sauce.
4. Homemade pizza. Mom makes the best crust (of course) but I've been experimenting. I also love the fun of it, everyone piling on their toppings.
5. Holiday food. Christmas cookies with the kids and giving them to people, seeing their smiles. Turkey and mashed potatoes with the family. Seeing my brother make a well in his mashed potatoes brings me more happiness when I eat mine, I remember that he's done that his whole life. My MIL's mac and cheese, my SIL's crumb apple pie. Love it all, with a side of green beans because I'm healthy like that. No really, I love green beans.
6. Anything Italian. Lasagna, stuffed shells, spaghetti and meatballs...all of it. With salad and bread thank you very much. Love the smells. Love that it freezes well. Love that my husband loves it too and whispers sweet nothings in my ear when I make him pasta.
7. Stir frys. Crunchy veggies, flavorful meat. Tortillas that I've gotten for free with coupons make it even better.
8. Fruit. I love smoothies, fruit salads, berries in pancakes or on cereal, and just a plain old good apple or banana to tide me over until dinner. So thankful for fruit. I love fresh tasting, Farmers Market kind of food.
9. Kevin's summer burgers. My man don't cook. But in the summer, he grills probably once a week and his burgers are delish. My dad bless him always used to burn them to a crisp. Kevin has that fine line down where they're not pink at all (love it in a steak, hate it in a burger) but don't dried and burnt. Plus, I love eating outside with my family and that makes everything taste better too!!
10. Finally, I love a good hoagie. Jersey Mike's in Toms River is pretty good, Primos is pretty good. I can't make one as good as a deli, just can't even with a great roll that we are lucky to have in Jersey. If I really have my way I'd have it with 1/2 a cup of milk and a good deli pickle too, fresh sliced.
If you're still reading - anyone? - what's YOUR fave?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tummy Tuesday
This has nothing to do with anything, but I'm watching 'A River Runs Through It' right now, and oh this movie kills me! A young Brad Pitt, the bond of their family and although they adored him, they couldn't save him. Paul's addictions were stronger than the family's love for him...he left them time and again to drink and gamble, and it was to his demise.
This also has nothing to do with anything, but I love how Norman's love interest Jessie says his name, "Norman." Do you think that was one of the reasons he fell in love with her? I don't like the name, but there is just something about the way she says it, really!
And all these ramblings may be why my own husband doesn't even read this blog!! :)
Okay so at weigh-in at WW on Sat I lost .4. That's less than 2 sticks of butter, people. BUT at least it was a loss considering I had 2 sick kids last week and my fridge seemed to use a magnaphone to call my name. Especially at night. Especially while I was watching my shows at night. In my nightie, under my blankie. Are you picturing the love affair I have with snacking at night? Except I'm not as into snacks and sweets as I am into real food, so my "snack" really is sometimes like another dinner. Oh that sounds terrible to admit but true!! There are so many days I do so "good" during the day and then blow it at night!! I know, I know, once again, anyone who's not a chunky probably just doesn't understand me just not opening my mouth!!! But I can't really explain it - when I want something, I WANT something and it's just very strong. Even if it's just fruit - I want it. It's amazing to me that in some areas of my life, I consider myself pretty strong. I can "take it." But in this area I am very weak.
So that's my update.
This also has nothing to do with anything, but I love how Norman's love interest Jessie says his name, "Norman." Do you think that was one of the reasons he fell in love with her? I don't like the name, but there is just something about the way she says it, really!
And all these ramblings may be why my own husband doesn't even read this blog!! :)
Okay so at weigh-in at WW on Sat I lost .4. That's less than 2 sticks of butter, people. BUT at least it was a loss considering I had 2 sick kids last week and my fridge seemed to use a magnaphone to call my name. Especially at night. Especially while I was watching my shows at night. In my nightie, under my blankie. Are you picturing the love affair I have with snacking at night? Except I'm not as into snacks and sweets as I am into real food, so my "snack" really is sometimes like another dinner. Oh that sounds terrible to admit but true!! There are so many days I do so "good" during the day and then blow it at night!! I know, I know, once again, anyone who's not a chunky probably just doesn't understand me just not opening my mouth!!! But I can't really explain it - when I want something, I WANT something and it's just very strong. Even if it's just fruit - I want it. It's amazing to me that in some areas of my life, I consider myself pretty strong. I can "take it." But in this area I am very weak.
So that's my update.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tummy Tuesday - better late than never
I didn't do a chunky report on Tuesday, so I thought I'd do it today instead. I was actually down a bit on the scale by 1.2, which was nice. Just a ripple in the ocean, but still. But today I weighed myself on my home scale and was up by a pound. Grrrr....
So today I pulled it in and really watched what I ate. I planned my day tomorrow so hoping that is good too. I weigh in on Saturday morning. I also wanted to exercise today but I am not feeling really well so unless this Excedrin really starts working it's magic, I may not. I went to a new dentist today - who was fabulous - but she did a number on my mouth and my whole head is pounding. I'm also exhausted...ok, enough complaining.
I have the feeling I will be on this rollercoaster my whole life. Although it seems to me I haven't even started the ride yet.
So today I pulled it in and really watched what I ate. I planned my day tomorrow so hoping that is good too. I weigh in on Saturday morning. I also wanted to exercise today but I am not feeling really well so unless this Excedrin really starts working it's magic, I may not. I went to a new dentist today - who was fabulous - but she did a number on my mouth and my whole head is pounding. I'm also exhausted...ok, enough complaining.
I have the feeling I will be on this rollercoaster my whole life. Although it seems to me I haven't even started the ride yet.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Tummy Tuesday
Last night at 10pm I decided I wanted to make 2 casseroles to share at our MOPS leadership meeting. It was perfect because I tried 2 new recipes - an apple/raisin french toast casserole and a crustless egg quiche - and they went over great with my friends! I love adding new recipes to my rotation!
I love cooking, baking. I love creating dishes that other people enjoy. It's sad to me that my kids are so picky, in part because they don't like my cooking!! Most of it, anyway. They'd much rather pb&j than fajitas, mac and cheese instead of lasagna. Oh well. I was so pleased my friends enjoyed the casseroles this morning. Kevin likes my cooking too - and it's definitely a way I show love.
So where am I with my chunky dunky and what does cooking for other people have to do with it. Nothing I guess. Except that food really does have to do with love to me. A complicated love. Sometimes I never want to see food again, and then I apologize vehemently, and dive right back in.
Dear food,
Sometimes I hate you. You stick to me and make my ass huge. But yet I love you. You make me feel better, you fill me. And then I hate you again.
I'm breaking up with you.
No wait, I'm back. See how committed I am? Really, it's me! I haven't changed...I've been here all along, I didn't mean to say good-bye...
Your tortured servant,
Sweats-wearing, bathing suit fearing,
wishes she could just GET IT TOGETHER...Brynn.
Same-old, same-old on the weight issue. I do have to say I have been regularly exercising and it feels great. Even when I hurt the next day, I love the feeling of it. So at least I'm doing that. Knowing how good exercising makes me feel, I wonder why I don't make time for it every day. Knowing how good eating healthily makes me feel, I wonder why I don't do that every day either. It's almost like I don't really want to change...but I really do!
Thinking about this makes my head hurt. Off to do laundry and vacuum, which strangely, feels a lot better than talking about this.
I love cooking, baking. I love creating dishes that other people enjoy. It's sad to me that my kids are so picky, in part because they don't like my cooking!! Most of it, anyway. They'd much rather pb&j than fajitas, mac and cheese instead of lasagna. Oh well. I was so pleased my friends enjoyed the casseroles this morning. Kevin likes my cooking too - and it's definitely a way I show love.
So where am I with my chunky dunky and what does cooking for other people have to do with it. Nothing I guess. Except that food really does have to do with love to me. A complicated love. Sometimes I never want to see food again, and then I apologize vehemently, and dive right back in.
Dear food,
Sometimes I hate you. You stick to me and make my ass huge. But yet I love you. You make me feel better, you fill me. And then I hate you again.
I'm breaking up with you.
No wait, I'm back. See how committed I am? Really, it's me! I haven't changed...I've been here all along, I didn't mean to say good-bye...
Your tortured servant,
Sweats-wearing, bathing suit fearing,
wishes she could just GET IT TOGETHER...Brynn.
Same-old, same-old on the weight issue. I do have to say I have been regularly exercising and it feels great. Even when I hurt the next day, I love the feeling of it. So at least I'm doing that. Knowing how good exercising makes me feel, I wonder why I don't make time for it every day. Knowing how good eating healthily makes me feel, I wonder why I don't do that every day either. It's almost like I don't really want to change...but I really do!
Thinking about this makes my head hurt. Off to do laundry and vacuum, which strangely, feels a lot better than talking about this.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tummy Tuesday
So I didn't have my WW weigh-in on Saturday bc we went to NYC to see Lion King. We tagged along with my MIL's middle school classes, my mom also went. It was a wonderful day, complete with an L&M donut in the morning, and a gyro for dinner. Hmmm....
How am I doing. I am staying the same, based on my home scale. Emotional eating is still very much a part of my life. Last night I ate 3 Thin Mints only because I was watching Last Song, which made me sad, and I needed a pick me up. I wanted it, so I did it. Okay, it might've been 4 Thin Mints - I was eating out of the box and only stopped because a friend called me and I had to get up to answer. If I could figure out the secret of what it takes to WANT something in a particular moment and yet NOT fulfill that desire, I would immediately start to shed. And begin a multi-billion dollar empire I suppose, as I know I am not alone, by a landslide. Someone who doesn't understand what I am talking about, would suggest eating sugar free jello instead, or exercising during tv instead of eating. That really doesn't have anything to do with it, and yet I can't fully explain it. Self-indulgence, self-protection, self-sabotage all rolled into one...I don't know. All I know is that I do eat sugar free jello and exercise to tv sometimes. But then there are these other times, when the thought of me in a bathing suit still isn't enough to deter me, and I overeat. WHY. Like I'm saying, I don't really know. I guess it's similar to any addiction - why would a smoker smoke, even knowing they could die from lung cancer. Why would a drinker drink, even after his spouse has told him she'd leave with the kids if he didn't stop. Is the liquor, are the cigarettes that strong? Yes. It's so sad, isn't it.
So with each day, I am trying. Trying to make food choices that are good for my body, trying to move more, trying to understand myself.
How am I doing. I am staying the same, based on my home scale. Emotional eating is still very much a part of my life. Last night I ate 3 Thin Mints only because I was watching Last Song, which made me sad, and I needed a pick me up. I wanted it, so I did it. Okay, it might've been 4 Thin Mints - I was eating out of the box and only stopped because a friend called me and I had to get up to answer. If I could figure out the secret of what it takes to WANT something in a particular moment and yet NOT fulfill that desire, I would immediately start to shed. And begin a multi-billion dollar empire I suppose, as I know I am not alone, by a landslide. Someone who doesn't understand what I am talking about, would suggest eating sugar free jello instead, or exercising during tv instead of eating. That really doesn't have anything to do with it, and yet I can't fully explain it. Self-indulgence, self-protection, self-sabotage all rolled into one...I don't know. All I know is that I do eat sugar free jello and exercise to tv sometimes. But then there are these other times, when the thought of me in a bathing suit still isn't enough to deter me, and I overeat. WHY. Like I'm saying, I don't really know. I guess it's similar to any addiction - why would a smoker smoke, even knowing they could die from lung cancer. Why would a drinker drink, even after his spouse has told him she'd leave with the kids if he didn't stop. Is the liquor, are the cigarettes that strong? Yes. It's so sad, isn't it.
So with each day, I am trying. Trying to make food choices that are good for my body, trying to move more, trying to understand myself.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tummy Tuesday
So even though I have a few readers, I started this blog really for myself. I love writing, I love "venting" on paper. Easier than handwriting in a notebook. I have entries I've never published, and a few I have I thought twice about, but wanted to be honest and let it fly. I figure if I have these feelings, someone else does, and maybe that person needs to read about someone that's just like her.
Here's honest and I'm letting it fly.
I gained .6 at my last meeting. Not doing so hot here. When I joined WW I was so pumped up, and had visions of myself shrinking before my very eyes. And your eyes. So I am embarrassed to admit to you that I am not losing weight. Since New Year's I've dropped 5 lbs. I am happy to have those 5 lbs off, but so far from where I hoped to be by this point. The worst part is not that my pants are not looser, but how I feel about myself.
Someone who has never struggled with weight is probably wondering, so what's your problem? You want to lose weight, just do it! I hear you. I say it to myself.
I am going to keep at it though. I LOVE the Weight Watchers meetings. I love our leader Kathy, she "gets" it and is so encouraging and wise. The group is great. Although I have been lax in the last 2 weeks, this week I have been tracking my points -- even when I have to write down that the peanut butter cookies I ate were probably 4 points each. Oh but they were fresh out of the oven... I had 2. With a glass of cold milk. Yum.
So you can see that this is going to be a very, very long road for me.
Here's honest and I'm letting it fly.
I gained .6 at my last meeting. Not doing so hot here. When I joined WW I was so pumped up, and had visions of myself shrinking before my very eyes. And your eyes. So I am embarrassed to admit to you that I am not losing weight. Since New Year's I've dropped 5 lbs. I am happy to have those 5 lbs off, but so far from where I hoped to be by this point. The worst part is not that my pants are not looser, but how I feel about myself.
Someone who has never struggled with weight is probably wondering, so what's your problem? You want to lose weight, just do it! I hear you. I say it to myself.
I am going to keep at it though. I LOVE the Weight Watchers meetings. I love our leader Kathy, she "gets" it and is so encouraging and wise. The group is great. Although I have been lax in the last 2 weeks, this week I have been tracking my points -- even when I have to write down that the peanut butter cookies I ate were probably 4 points each. Oh but they were fresh out of the oven... I had 2. With a glass of cold milk. Yum.
So you can see that this is going to be a very, very long road for me.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tummy Tuesday
Ok so here it is, my weekly weight update. I had my WW meeting on Sat morning and lost .2 lbs. Not 2 lbs, .2. I was very discouraged, and almost cried. But then our leader gave a great meeting and I was uplifted, which I was grateful for. Kathy (leader) said something I loved - "Your body doesn't always get the memo that it's supposed to be at it's lowest weight of the week at weigh-in." Because the day before my home scale had said I was down and I did good that day so I didn't get it! I am actually looking forward to this week's weigh-in, I think I'll be happy with what I see. My weight didn't come on overnight - it was years of half a pound here, quarter of a pound here. So I really have to let go of a quick-fix mentality and settle in for a long ride. But the months, the years, will come and go anyway - so why not be losing weight at the same time, even if it is little by little. Better than nothing.
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