my better half

I've been a little bit into Kevin recently.

Which is good, since we are married.  Since we share a house together, are raising children and paying bills together.  Going through life.

We have seasons where he bothers me.  Just being honest!  It doesn't help that we have to share a bathroom.  For some reason, when I am in such a season, running into him in the bathroom seems to really get me peeved.

But right now, he's the cat's meow.  I am so thankful for his positivity, his humor, his gentleness and deep love for me and our girls.  I just can't imagine being without him.

Kevin, you're swell.  I love you.

A pic from Tate's itouch.  Perhaps blurry, but I think she was going for an artistic flair here.

a what-it's-like rant

My cousin recently asked her facebook friends who have special needs children to write her explaining what has helped/what has been difficult.  She is an author, and is writing an article on it.  This was my reply.


Ok so off the top of my head, here is what has encouraged me/annoyed the piss out of me - 

when Bailey was a baby, a friend of my MIL's sent a newspaper clipping to her about embyonic genetic selection...basically inferring that if we were to have another child, we could sort through the embyros before implantation to find out if the kid has CF, and only implant the "good" ones. I was HIGHLY offended, as what if we had done that with Bailey?! Her not be here?! Impossible. And what about those embyros?!  Not for me.

In addition, in having another child, I felt I almost had to explain that it was an unplanned pregnancy, as I felt crucified if I would have willingly had another, subjecting that baby to a possible disease knowingly. "Did you know about the CF before you had Bailey? Did you know you were carriers? Would you have had children?" Really offensive and over the line I think. I would guess many parents of special needs kids feel that their reproductive rights are no longer their own, with privacy as a luxury. It's like if you have a child with an inherited disease, suddenly it's more acceptable for your reproductive plans to pass the approval of others, like it's any of their business. 



For Taylor, she gets looks a lot. Looks of compassion sometimes - but even that can offend me depending on my mood. Like she's something to be sorry about. Looks that say "control your kid" makes me want to get in their face - and yet I'm so busy trying to regulate Taylor and desensitize her to whatever's putting her over the edge, that I couldn't address it. If I could, I'd say, "Are you perfect? Is everyone in your life perfect? Because I think we're all works in progress. What gives you the right to turn your nose down at my precious daughter, who's just trying to survive being in a loud store with a hundred different stimulations that are attacking her sensory system. You try being her for a minute - because she's my hero. She puts up with more on a given day than you would in a month. And still has joy, still has humor, has learned to show love and care to others. Or try being me, a mom who just loves her kid and is trying to do the best she can, to live through it and not just survive, but enjoy the ride. A mom who tries to be two steps of her kid at any given time, but still fails. Often. And when I give you a look like you just gave me, then you can tell me to fuck off. But until then, why don't you try kindness over judgement."

Well that's what has upset me.

As far as encouragement, any time someone praises my children, I glow inside. I soak it up. I am proud, if someone is proud of my child. Any help is appreciated. If we're at a restaurant and Tate is unraveling, an offer to take her for a walk or to the bathroom lets me take a breath. But it's complicated - if the offer is clothed in a "let me help you bc you obviously can't do it" look, I push away the help, I'll take care of her myself. But if it's given in a "let me spend time with the lovely Tatie Tot, come on sweetheart!!" kind of way, I SO appreciate and accept. Does that make sense?

I could talk about this for hours, but your eyes are probably crossed and I have to pee anyway. 

So that was my response.  Any of you with a child with special needs, thoughts?

when mom is down for the count...

lots of things fall apart.

Dishes mount, laundry stays soiled, rotting in the washer if you threw in a load before sickness struck.  The kids' hair goes unbrushed, mail piles up, artwork from just a few days of school clutters your counter.

Hair and toothpaste is in the sink.  When was the last time the towels were changed out?  Something starts to smell in the fridge.  The kids eat cereal for dinner and have to buy lunch for school bc you wouldn't imagine spending 15 minutes trying to explain what to make for the kids and how, to your husband - much less who gets the Hello Kitty bag and who gets the Princess.  (You'd think their names in black sharpie on the label would help, but it's not a guarantee when you see the spaced out, confused look in his eyes).

I have a good, helpful husband.  But he's still a man, he's no mama.

I am so thankful to be feeling better, as my house was this close to falling apart, as is what happens with one sick day.  Am I right, mommies?  It's just the way it is.

muffin top

Last night I was dressing in jeans and a shirt, and unfortunately, the jeans that were clean were the ones that pronounce my muffin top.

It's not my fault, it's poorly made jeans.  Really.  Has nothing to do with me eating actual muffins.  And anything else that's not nailed down.

Which brings me to my point of this post.

If I was a doctor, or a researcher, I would study why fat people keep eating.  WHY?!  Most overweight people don't WANT to be overweight.  A skinny person would say, "Then just don't eat!  Exercise more!  It's not rocket science!"

And guess what - That is exactly how one loses weight.  And people do, it's not impossible!  But for the person who would love to be thinner, CRIES because they are not, what happens physiologically between those thoughts of "I am going to exercise x/times a week and eat x/calories a day..." and then overeating again.

Sometimes I think it's a simple reason.  Habit.  Emotion.  A genetic predisposition perhaps to carry more weight.

But sometimes, I think it's really something that the medical world hasn't cracked yet.  How does one get to be HUNDREDS of pounds?  Oh my heart breaks for them!!  They can't WANT to be like that, life is passing them by!  And yet, they "let" themselves get like that.  To me, it is no different than a smoker who knocks out 2, 3 packs a day or an alcoholic who can't pass by the liquor store day after day, even though they are losing their job, house, family.  SOMETHING takes over that is STRONGER than anything they think in their head, and they take another drink.

I don't know.  I'm just rambling.  Two times in my life have I lost a chunk of weight.  Something came over me and I WOULD NOT "cheat."  Something came over me.

Where is that something and would it please come over me?!

In the meantime, now I really am craving a muffin for breakfast.

March menu

I love thinking about what I am going to make for dinner.  I love cooking, and I love eating.

"Confessions from a fat girl."

Anyway, each month I peruse my freezer, fridge, cupboards and pantry (don't envision an actual pantry, envision a hall closet that is supposed to be for coats that I converted to a "pantry."  Coats now hang on over-the-door hooks in the hallway).   I have ideas in my head of recipes I want to try, or meals we love, and see what I have the ingredients for and what I still need to get.  Then I make a list, and each week on Sunday evening I plug in meals for the week.  I have been planning around 20 meals, bc we have leftovers and go out to eat sometimes.

MARCH

1 Pizza and salad (DiGiornos tonight for family game night)

2 Spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread

3 Chili and cornbread muffins (ew but Kevin likes them)

4 Chili mac (one night is the soup, a few days later I add cooked macaroni to the leftovers)

5 Ham and Potato Soup (I have a hambone in the freezer I need to use up), grapes

6 Chicken, veggie, rice casserole and homemade applesauce

7 Veggie beef soup, cheese and crackers

8 Breakfast for dinner - egg casserole and taters

9 Breakfast for dinner - pancakes and turkey bacon

10  Chicken marsala, noodles, green beans

11 Turkey breast (I am going to crock-pot it and then use the meat for soup, pot pie and turkey salad for Kevin's lunch)

12 Grilled italian sausage, onion and peppers sammies, fruit salad

13 Pork chops, herb rice, peas

14 Taco salad

15 Grilled cheese and tomato soup

16 Chicken cutlets, fettucini, broccoli

17 London broil, oven potatoes, salad

18 Ravioli, salad

19 BBQ pulled pork, cole slaw

20 Macaroni and cheese, applesauce

Now I am hungry.