Wednesday, June 17, 2015

smack dab in the middle.

In just a few days, my firstborn will officially be a middle school kid.  I have not been handling this transition well, and in fact have literally made myself sick from the stress.  In all fairness, this has not been the only stressful thing on my plate recently, but the several days and nights worth of Ugly Cry added up to one sick mom.  3 meds later, I am getting better thankfully.  I am trying to CHILL OUT but that concept has never come easily to me.

Case in point.  Today I went to the dentist for my 6 month check up.  I sit back, the hygienist asks me how I've been doing.  We make small talk while she gets the instruments of torture ready (seriously, I'd rather go to the gyno any day of the week,  I hate the dentist!).   She then asks me how my girls are.  Bless her heart, she just murmured "you poor thing!" as she dabbed at my tears with the paper bib around my neck.   I pulled myself together by trying to joke around then, but the fact was I was in the dentist's chair crying, tears being wiped by a paper bib.  Pretty pathetic.

So why the crazy.  It's just so.much.change.  Bailey has been at the elementary school less than a mile from our house for 6 years - 6 good, relatively easy years.  I can be lazy - easy matters.  We know most everyone, the bus comes right to my house, at 8:45am (seriously).  But it's not just that.  The girls are together, and they love being together.  They look out for one another and when they see each other in the hall, coming or going from one "special" to the next, it's like a celebrity sighting.  

Next year Bailey will leave the house at 7am, which is earlier than she currently wakes.  She will have to wake up extra early because she has to do her treatment.  There won't be sitting at the table with the girls while they eat cereal and I nurse some coffee.  There won't be morning prayer by the front door, which we have done every single weekday, never missing.  Sure sometimes it was real fast as I heard the bus hauling down the street, but it was said.  Ever since pre-school.   They were in pre-k together at church (different classes but still), then Taylor started at Rice the same year Bailey did since she had 2 years of pre-k there.  So we have been in this routine awhile.  I also am nervous about middle school itself.   I did take much comfort in something her teacher said to me recently though - "Bailey is innocent but not immature."  She went on to say that yes, she'll hear things and learn things that I would like for her to never know about.  But her maturity will be there to guide her towards good decisions.  I agree and I'm thankful for that.

I'll miss the "littleness" that goes with being a grade school kid.  The class parties, the "all about me" projects.  The fact that as long as she's in that elementary building, she's still a young girl.  Middle school is a game changer and we all know it.  I hated middle school!  And I'm sure that's part of my problem, and Bailey might not have the same experience.   I hope.

Yes there's good to come.  Yes we are excited and looking forward to many things ahead. Yes this is NOT WORTH CRYING ABOUT...a few tears sure, but this is ridiculous.  Sleep deprivation compounded these feelings times, oh, a million I think.

I have had seasons like this before.  When Bailey started first grade, her first year away from me all day, I struggled very much.  Time moved on and so did I.  I will again.

I think I partly struggle because I'm just so in love.  How could I not be.  These years having young children have been difficult at times, but they are surely the best years of my life.  I know it.  That's why it's hard it's going so fast.

First day of kindergarten 

A few weeks ago, before her dance at school 
I'm so blessed to be a mom.  A lot of good, good stuff happens smack dab in the middle doesn't it though.  So I'm going to try extra, extra hard to look forward to middle school and not grieve for the end of elementary.  After all, I can't ignore the blessing that some cf kids never even see this age.  How thankful I am for her good health.  How thankful I am to have a great school system.  How thankful I am for all of these wonderful years and the years to come.  So no more tears (that's a lie).  But I am willing them to be tears of happiness and gratitude, not tears of sadness.

And lest we not forget....SUMMER IS HERE.  There is no sadness in summer!!!