But during some recent introspection, I have questioned this character flaw, if you will. Now bear with me, this will get confusing, as it's confusing to me and I am me. If I am unhappy about certain things in my life, why do I not change them? If I'm unhappy, that would assume I am uncomfortable. But, whatever it is that's making me unhappy - unless it's situational - is also something that's comfortable in a way simply because it's familiar. I'm used to it. And I guess it makes me more uncomfortable doing the work and going ahead and changing it, because what is familiar, what is me, is already comfortable.
So I have written on this blog before about my weight. Oh, my weight. My nemesis. My thorn in my side. My achilles heel.
I have been overweight for so long. There was only a brief time of my teenage/adult life that I wasn't overweight. And when I was thin, I still thought I was fat. So this is really all I know. All I know is softness, pudge, dimples. All I know is wondering what it would feel like to wear a bikini bc there ain't no way in hell this girl is putting one on. Ever. I've never worn one. All I know is looking at clothes to see what will make me look presentable, in the least fattening way. That is how I shop - which I usually hate - not "what is cute, what is new, what will make me feel good."
I want to be thin. I want to be thin for so many reasons!!! Better health, better stamina, feeling proud of myself, feeling sexy, better role model for my girls, not worrying about what people are thinking when they look at me. And yet, since April, when I started diet number 1,436 -- I have only lost 10lbs. At this rate I will reach my goal weight at the age of 86.
So...this is my new thing. I need to break out of some comfort zones. I need to get really uncomfortable. Today I did something I haven't done in YEARS - I took a group exercise class. Well, one or two times I took a walking class and several times I took swim classes, but that was IN my comfort zone. Today, a woman from our MOPS group at church - a thin, seemingly put-together woman that typically I would have been inwardly nervous around - gave an exercise class. I normally would say no bc I don't like the idea of jingle-jangling around in front of my friends and peers, in case I can't keep up and in case my ass accidentally hits someone. Or scares someone. But I thought, how am I ever going to get anywhere unless I start getting uncomfortable. New chapter. And the good news is, besides the chair squats (what crazy broad thought that one up?!) I kept up and was fine. Oh yeah I couldn't do some kind of bird yoga position plank thing either. But other than that...
And I'll need to break out of my comfy-cozy nightly routine of having a snack on the couch, ensconced in my blankie, while I watch tv. I watch what I eat all day - ok more or less depending on the day, stress and time of the month - but then I "blow it" with my nightly snack. Gotta get uncomfortable.
But I'm keeping the blankie and tv, I'm not masochistic. Just a girl who needs a change...from being uncomfortably comfortable.