smack dab in the middle.

In just a few days, my firstborn will officially be a middle school kid.  I have not been handling this transition well, and in fact have literally made myself sick from the stress.  In all fairness, this has not been the only stressful thing on my plate recently, but the several days and nights worth of Ugly Cry added up to one sick mom.  3 meds later, I am getting better thankfully.  I am trying to CHILL OUT but that concept has never come easily to me.

Case in point.  Today I went to the dentist for my 6 month check up.  I sit back, the hygienist asks me how I've been doing.  We make small talk while she gets the instruments of torture ready (seriously, I'd rather go to the gyno any day of the week,  I hate the dentist!).   She then asks me how my girls are.  Bless her heart, she just murmured "you poor thing!" as she dabbed at my tears with the paper bib around my neck.   I pulled myself together by trying to joke around then, but the fact was I was in the dentist's chair crying, tears being wiped by a paper bib.  Pretty pathetic.

So why the crazy.  It's just so.much.change.  Bailey has been at the elementary school less than a mile from our house for 6 years - 6 good, relatively easy years.  I can be lazy - easy matters.  We know most everyone, the bus comes right to my house, at 8:45am (seriously).  But it's not just that.  The girls are together, and they love being together.  They look out for one another and when they see each other in the hall, coming or going from one "special" to the next, it's like a celebrity sighting.  

Next year Bailey will leave the house at 7am, which is earlier than she currently wakes.  She will have to wake up extra early because she has to do her treatment.  There won't be sitting at the table with the girls while they eat cereal and I nurse some coffee.  There won't be morning prayer by the front door, which we have done every single weekday, never missing.  Sure sometimes it was real fast as I heard the bus hauling down the street, but it was said.  Ever since pre-school.   They were in pre-k together at church (different classes but still), then Taylor started at Rice the same year Bailey did since she had 2 years of pre-k there.  So we have been in this routine awhile.  I also am nervous about middle school itself.   I did take much comfort in something her teacher said to me recently though - "Bailey is innocent but not immature."  She went on to say that yes, she'll hear things and learn things that I would like for her to never know about.  But her maturity will be there to guide her towards good decisions.  I agree and I'm thankful for that.

I'll miss the "littleness" that goes with being a grade school kid.  The class parties, the "all about me" projects.  The fact that as long as she's in that elementary building, she's still a young girl.  Middle school is a game changer and we all know it.  I hated middle school!  And I'm sure that's part of my problem, and Bailey might not have the same experience.   I hope.

Yes there's good to come.  Yes we are excited and looking forward to many things ahead. Yes this is NOT WORTH CRYING ABOUT...a few tears sure, but this is ridiculous.  Sleep deprivation compounded these feelings times, oh, a million I think.

I have had seasons like this before.  When Bailey started first grade, her first year away from me all day, I struggled very much.  Time moved on and so did I.  I will again.

I think I partly struggle because I'm just so in love.  How could I not be.  These years having young children have been difficult at times, but they are surely the best years of my life.  I know it.  That's why it's hard it's going so fast.

First day of kindergarten 

A few weeks ago, before her dance at school 

I'm so blessed to be a mom.  A lot of good, good stuff happens smack dab in the middle doesn't it though.  So I'm going to try extra, extra hard to look forward to middle school and not grieve for the end of elementary.  After all, I can't ignore the blessing that some cf kids never even see this age.  How thankful I am for her good health.  How thankful I am to have a great school system.  How thankful I am for all of these wonderful years and the years to come.  So no more tears (that's a lie).  But I am willing them to be tears of happiness and gratitude, not tears of sadness.

And lest we not forget....SUMMER IS HERE.  There is no sadness in summer!!!

hippie moderation

I have commitment problems, obviously.  I took a nice long blogging break, didn't I.  I commit to people just fine...well...mostly.  I do keep meaning to see my two best friends from high school.  But really, I start stuff all the time, only to either get distracted or quit.  Why do I do that?  Case in point - all of Bailey's pictures from her first 2 years of life are in boxes.  This is back where you had a point and shoot camera and you got film developed.  Seriously!  So there are a million pictures because I'd take a ton trying to get the perfect shot.  Why are they in boxes?  I kept meaning to scrapbook them as at the time, I was into scrapping. Somehow with a baby that ended up getting a life changing, world spinning medical diagnosis, I never got around to it and the pictures piled up (imagine that).  Then when Tate arrived on the scene I knew for sure I'd never scrapbook again in my whole entire life, and I slipped pictures into photo albums once a month.  Until a few years ago.  Now I have pictures in boxes, pictures on my phones, pictures on CDs, pictures on memory cards...but no pictures on a computer, I am not that tech savvy.  This is huge on my to-do list of 2015 and what I have done so far?  Very little.

Then there's my self project.  Every year I make a "commitment" to work on myself.  Take vitamins, drink lots of water...add lemon and heat it up while you're at it.  Exercise, cut sugar, flour, bad fats, GMO's, MSG, etc etc etc.  Lose a bunch of weight while gaining a ton of much needed self esteem.  

I tell myself I'll yell less at my kids.  They take my quiet voice and counting down from 10 in the bathroom as an invite to listen even less, whine a bunch more and it doesn't take long - like January 2 - until I am yelling down the stairs for them to LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T GET UP HERE AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND YOUR HAIR BECAUSE SERIOUSLY YOU ARE NOT HOMELESS AND WHY ON EARTH ARE YOUR CEREAL BOWLS ON THE FLOOR WE DON'T HAVE A DOG AND ARE YOU FIGHTING OVER BARBIES AGAIN?!! YOU HAVE A MILLION BARBIES HOW CAN YOU BE FIGHTING OVER A BARBIE!!!

I put myself on a money budget and that kind of works just like my diet.  All it takes is one well stocked Home Goods to bring on a binge.  Then the guilt.  

So here's been my new thing (let's hope I commit to it).  I want a happy medium.  I want to live in "moderation" like all the hippies call it.  I want to work on myself without hating myself. 

Today, I don't have to work.  I cancelled my dentist appointment because my throat really hurts so I have the whole day to do what I want.  Guess what, I'm going to watch my DVR'd Grey's Anatomy and not feel guilty.  I'm going to do one thing towards the plethora of pictures.  I'm going to drink some hot lemon water but I'm going to eat rye toast with my egg.  Because it's not devil's food, it's delicious.  I'm going to vacuum and clean not because I have to but because I love having a clean house.  I'm going to write my family love notes for their pillows not out of guilt that I lost my ever loving shit a few days ago over bad attitudes and drama, but because I love them more than life itself. I'm going to take pictures at the school dance, bring Bailey a big thing of icy Gatorade because it will be too hot for her, discretely cry as I watch her twirl and laugh with her friends and her crush, and marvel at how Taylor owns a room when just a few years ago she didn't even want to be IN the room.  I'm going to take a nice long walk this morning and smell the flowering trees, not because I am trying FOR THE LOVE TO LOSE JUST ONE POUND THIS WEEK but because it is gorgeous out and it'd be a sin to not enjoy it.  

I want to love life more.  I want to love myself more.  I want to lay my head on the pillow at night and not think about what I didn't do that day, I want to thank God I HAD a day.   And I want to look forward to my next day, not dread it because of all I "have" to do, knowing I'll fall miserably short.   

And guess what else - I'm going to write in this blog again.  Sometime, I really will, I promise.  :)