Wednesday, April 22, 2015

hippie moderation

I have commitment problems, obviously.  I took a nice long blogging break, didn't I.  I commit to people just fine...well...mostly.  I do keep meaning to see my two best friends from high school.  But really, I start stuff all the time, only to either get distracted or quit.  Why do I do that?  Case in point - all of Bailey's pictures from her first 2 years of life are in boxes.  This is back where you had a point and shoot camera and you got film developed.  Seriously!  So there are a million pictures because I'd take a ton trying to get the perfect shot.  Why are they in boxes?  I kept meaning to scrapbook them as at the time, I was into scrapping. Somehow with a baby that ended up getting a life changing, world spinning medical diagnosis, I never got around to it and the pictures piled up (imagine that).  Then when Tate arrived on the scene I knew for sure I'd never scrapbook again in my whole entire life, and I slipped pictures into photo albums once a month.  Until a few years ago.  Now I have pictures in boxes, pictures on my phones, pictures on CDs, pictures on memory cards...but no pictures on a computer, I am not that tech savvy.  This is huge on my to-do list of 2015 and what I have done so far?  Very little.

Then there's my self project.  Every year I make a "commitment" to work on myself.  Take vitamins, drink lots of water...add lemon and heat it up while you're at it.  Exercise, cut sugar, flour, bad fats, GMO's, MSG, etc etc etc.  Lose a bunch of weight while gaining a ton of much needed self esteem.  

I tell myself I'll yell less at my kids.  They take my quiet voice and counting down from 10 in the bathroom as an invite to listen even less, whine a bunch more and it doesn't take long - like January 2 - until I am yelling down the stairs for them to LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T GET UP HERE AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND YOUR HAIR BECAUSE SERIOUSLY YOU ARE NOT HOMELESS AND WHY ON EARTH ARE YOUR CEREAL BOWLS ON THE FLOOR WE DON'T HAVE A DOG AND ARE YOU FIGHTING OVER BARBIES AGAIN?!! YOU HAVE A MILLION BARBIES HOW CAN YOU BE FIGHTING OVER A BARBIE!!!

I put myself on a money budget and that kind of works just like my diet.  All it takes is one well stocked Home Goods to bring on a binge.  Then the guilt.  

So here's been my new thing (let's hope I commit to it).  I want a happy medium.  I want to live in "moderation" like all the hippies call it.  I want to work on myself without hating myself. 

Today, I don't have to work.  I cancelled my dentist appointment because my throat really hurts so I have the whole day to do what I want.  Guess what, I'm going to watch my DVR'd Grey's Anatomy and not feel guilty.  I'm going to do one thing towards the plethora of pictures.  I'm going to drink some hot lemon water but I'm going to eat rye toast with my egg.  Because it's not devil's food, it's delicious.  I'm going to vacuum and clean not because I have to but because I love having a clean house.  I'm going to write my family love notes for their pillows not out of guilt that I lost my ever loving shit a few days ago over bad attitudes and drama, but because I love them more than life itself. I'm going to take pictures at the school dance, bring Bailey a big thing of icy Gatorade because it will be too hot for her, discretely cry as I watch her twirl and laugh with her friends and her crush, and marvel at how Taylor owns a room when just a few years ago she didn't even want to be IN the room.  I'm going to take a nice long walk this morning and smell the flowering trees, not because I am trying FOR THE LOVE TO LOSE JUST ONE POUND THIS WEEK but because it is gorgeous out and it'd be a sin to not enjoy it.  

I want to love life more.  I want to love myself more.  I want to lay my head on the pillow at night and not think about what I didn't do that day, I want to thank God I HAD a day.   And I want to look forward to my next day, not dread it because of all I "have" to do, knowing I'll fall miserably short.   

And guess what else - I'm going to write in this blog again.  Sometime, I really will, I promise.  :)  

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