Wednesday, April 18, 2012

part 2

So I left off at March 8, a Thursday evening when we found out we were expecting.  Overnight, shock and fear gave way to excitement, thankfulness and joy.  I wasn't thinking about what if the baby had CF or some other special need, although yes that was in the back of my mind of course off and on, but really I was thinking about having another chance.  Another opportunity to hold a precious, sweet baby that smelled like Johnson's baby shampoo.  Another chance to nurse - and of course this time I wouldn't give the baby a bottle at all...well, not unless I was really tired and we had some free formula laying around :)  Another opportunity to be the only one in the world that can comfort your baby...and even though you're tired, it gives you a little surge of pride that there is one person who wants you the most of all.  Another chance to hear those baby gurgles and first "mama."  Another chance to get it right.

So the next day I made an appointment at my doctor's office.  They scheduled me for 2 weeks out, and I wondered how I would last that long.  We told my mom that day, bc I can't keep anything from her, and a few days later when Kevin's parents got back from a trip, we told them and my brother and sister in law.  Everyone was shocked and happy, and we were on cloud 9, especially the girls.  A little piece of me was starting to say uh-oh though...because I didn't feel horribly sick like I did with the girls, and I had felt ill with them right away.  I would joke that I conceived and threw up on my way to the bathroom.  So I would think, maybe it's a boy and that's why it's different...and thinking of maybe having a boy excited me for Kevin.  I love girls, and would have loved another, but the thought of Kevin getting to have a little fella made me smile just thinking about it.   But we held back telling many people, because even though by then I had taken maybe 6 positive pregnancy tests, I just wanted to see or hear the little heartbeat first, make it real.  Not throwing up made it seem unreal, since being sick characterized my 2 prior pregnancies.  The few people we did tell were so ecstatic for us that it was hard to not shout it from the rooftops.  And of course although we asked the girls to keep a secret, we knew they couldn't help but "accidentally" tell once in awhile, especially at school.

So a week went by and I called the dr and asked to have the appointment moved up because I was worried about the pregnancy.  I did feel really tired, nauseous, and if you are a woman that's been pregnant, you understand when I say my boobs felt like they were run over by a truck.  But something, something, wasn't right.  And a few times I spotted, very light and a pink color never red, but I never spotted with the girls.  So off I went to the dr.

The first question they ask, which I knew they would, is when was your last period.  Hmm.  I remember when my period was the month before last, bc it was Christmas week and I had to slip squeeze into a Spanx and dress for my brother-in-law's wedding and who could forget that wonderful Christmas present of your period during all that.  But I couldn't remember when it was in late January, so I guesstimated, and that's when things got not-fun.  They did an internal scan and couldn't see a sac, which bc I should've been 6-7 weeks by then, should have shown at least.  So I had to make an appointment to get a higer tech ultrasound done.

I did, and they found a sac.  I had my blood checked and then rechecked, and while my HCG did go up over 48 hours, from 7000 to 10200, it didn't fully double.  I had a bad feeling about that, although they said that many women take up to 4 days to fully double, bc with the girls my HCG was so hight that in fact with Taylor they had me come in for a scan to check for more babies hiding out in there.   But again, I thought maybe it's a boy this time, and I'm 7 years older so perhaps it's just going to be a different pregnancy.  We still weren't telling most people and I felt like we were in out our daily lives yet thinking about this precious baby nonstop, and just wanting to see that heartbeat.

A few weeks later, on Thursday March 29, I had the appointment where we hoped to see growth and hopefully a heartbeat.  In the car before going in to my appointment, I prayed...which was hard to do because I knew God already knew the outcome, and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about Him if I didn't get the answer I wanted.  My beliefs tell me to praise even in the pit...and I thought, if I end up in the pit how can I praise?  I've praised after the pit, but in?  But I did pray...I prayed for life, and I prayed that God would help my heart if I received bad news.  I wrote on the back of a grocery list the words from Hebrews 13:8, a verse I love that brings me considerable comfort - Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. I put it on my dashboard so it would be the first thing I saw getting back in the car after the appointment.

I was immediately relieved that I had the same ultrasound tech as before, because I really liked her.  During the scan, I didn't look, I closed my eyes and just breathed.  When she said, "look..." I knew.  I knew!!!  And there, there it was, what I wanted so desperately to see, that little flutter that says, "I'm here Mommy, I'm growing!!"  And I just started bawling.  I told her how we had told the girls - in preparation in case we received bad news and we didn't want to shock them - that some babies that start in mommies tummies, are called back to heaven.  The girls then had been praying that our baby wouldn't end up an angelbaby, but a baby for us to have here.  When they would pray that, my heart would just...long for the fulfillment of their prayers.  I would think, "hear them God, please don't disappoint such precious, innocent little girls..."  I was so thankful, so joyful...I felt incredible.

After the scan, I opened the door to see Kevin pacing through another door (they don't let husbands in, a bad rule if you ask me) and I gave him the thumbs up sign.  When I got to him I said, "hurry, let's get outside" because I could tell he wanted the details but I knew I'd lose it again.  We got outside and I jumped on him and was crying again, so joyful for our unexpected baby gift from God, that was here and growing and living.  We called our parents and I got back in my van and saw the verse.  I said a prayer of thankfulness that I didn't need to cling to that verse as a lifeline.  I drove home singing to music and laughing out loud, like a kid amped on sugar.

That was March 29.  We had a lot of fun sharing our good news that weekend with everyone, and that was really special.  We talked about names, we made plans to prep our house to sell and move to a bigger home, we talked about our life as a family of five. That joy followed us until April 12, also a Thursday, 2 weeks later when instead of singing out of joy as I did 2 weeks earlier, I wept with such an intense pain that my face actually felt broken.  Along with my heart.

more later.

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