from the beginning, part 1

I haven't written about our surprise baby on the blog, so I thought I would tell the story today - more for me than anyone else.  I'll start at the beginning and probably do it in a few parts - bc it will be too long for you the reader, and too intense and emotional for me the writer.


At the beginning of March, I took a pregnancy test.  We hadn't been trying - the opposite of trying - but I was late and had a day of not feeling right.  It was negative.  Kevin and I did a happy dance and I told him I felt like we dodged a bullet, and it showed me I didn't want to go back to the beginning, I didn't want to worry about the health of this child, I didn't want to move, I was ready to work more outside the home, (and actually have money!!) etc.  Kevin has been more than willing for years to get a V, but I was the hold-out, saying we are young, let's wait until I'm 35.  In the meantime, we'll try to not get pregnant but if God wants the opportunity to create in us, who are we to stop Him.

But the rush of emotions - happy, thankful emotions - seeing the test was negative showed me (or so I thought) that I didn't want to have another, we just couldn't.  Shouldn't.

Truth be told, there was the absolute faintest hint of a positive test line, but in my mind I told myself that's the shadow of the line that would appear for someone who's actually pregnant.  But we were safe, life would continue as normal.  Normal, safe.  Those 2 things felt good to me.

So I waited for my period, which seemed to be on hiatus.  The following week, I woke up one night feeling nauseous, but figured it was because I had babysat for a family that just had a stomach bug.  But a friend on fb asking if I was pregnant, so I thought, ok I'll take another test.

Positive.

My heart starting beating out of my chest.   I had bought the kind for dummies, so it actually said 'Pregnant' on it.  I paced my tiny bathroom, and knew I couldn't keep a secret from Kevin for 2 seconds, so I asked him to come out on the deck with me.  We had just had dinner out there, so he thought I just wanted to keep talking.  Poor men, they don't know what's about to hit them half the time.

I showed him the test and started crying.  He jumped up and started pulling his hair, talking about being the sole breadwinner for 8 more years, we'd have to get a bigger house, where would the baby sleep...what if this baby had CF or a sensory disorder or worse?  How would we pay for college for 2 kids much less 3?!  He was panicking, and all I kept crying (for Kevin but also apparently all of our neighbors to hear...oh well) that God doesn't make mistakes, and He wanted us to have this baby.  We hugged before going back inside to our girls, and he said it would all be okay, but I didn't believe him.  His eyes were full of the emotions I felt.

We tucked in the girls, who had found out what we were talking about, and needless to say they were over the moon.  Ecstatic.  Joyful.  And their emotions were starting to rub off on me.

Kevin took a long run, and I joked about checking to make sure he didn't take his wallet and keys to assure he'd come back.  But it wasn't really a joke - I wondered what this would do to my marriage in the long run.  How much stress would it add, financially, emotionally, physically - especially if this child had special needs.  I enjoy my marriage, and I love having time with Kevin.  I wondered how different that would look, and if we could hack it.  I wondered if he would resent me, since I was the one who said no to having permanent birth control.

He came back, and I was laying on our bed.  He told me to get up, and he gave me the biggest, best hug.  He made me look at him - I was crying again - and his eyes had changed from fear, to joy.  He had a big smile and said, "We can do it again.  It will be wonderful and we can do it.  I'm excited."  I asked him what he smoked on his run, but I was so thankful for his acceptance and joy, and we talked for a long time about the future that night.  I didn't sleep a wink.

That was our first night knowing our littlest one was with us.  March 8, 2012.  I'll write more later.