Monday, August 20, 2012

back up but maybe not running

"Back up and running."  So that means, not just functioning but full steam ahead, I guess.  So I will say I am back up, but not running.  But then, I've never been a runner.

I've decided that 2012 just won't be a banner year, but that doesn't mean it lacks for joy.  We are going to Disney in several weeks, and I can't wait to be there again with my princesses.  We are going to be celebrating their 9th and 7th birthdays and I think it will be a trip to remember for sure.  Fortunately, we're going before I would have been due with the baby, so I feel thankful that I won't be looking at our pictures thinking there should have been one more child there with us.

I apologize to anyone who reads my blog with any regularity, for the lack of posts.  Summer has been busy, in a mostly good way.  Lots of time at the beach, pools, friends houses, playgrounds...when it wasn't deathly hot...and working here and there.  Several times I wanted to write, but to be honest, I didn't even want to see my page pop up with my last depressing entry.  To me just this blog alone was a reminder of my awful late spring loss.

I'm not over the loss, but I want to move on I guess.  I've been trying so hard to focus on what I do have - which is an overflowing cup of blessings.  My cup runneth over with friends, family, a cozy home full of items that bring me joy, good health.  Lots of love and warmth.  Laughter and hugs.  I am so, so blessed.

I just took a minute from writing about my blessings to loudly tell Bailey to get back outside with her sand toys that were full of dirt.  (not yelling...I'm trying to save my yelling for when school starts back up and they have to FOR CRYING OUT LOUD JUST PUT YOUR SHOES ON!  YOUR FEET!!  SHOES ON YOUR FEET!!

Anyway, welcome back.  Today is a Monday, what better day to get back into the swing.  I have some funny stories for you bear with me and I'll devote more time to this blog.  Can't promise how much, but I will.  Because I realized today that I have been "doing" life for my kids, trying to give them a summer full of fun and love.  Their joy blessed me.  But I want to do life for me again, too.  I want to find my own joy, separate from seeing Bailey boogie board in the ocean or snuggling with Taylor.  I want to be happy just because I am happy.  It dawned on me there is a difference.

My life isn't void of challenge and sadness.  In my marriage, in my home, in my memories.  But I believe that when we cling to the peace of Jesus, we can face challenges without our hearts being broken.  I can't explain it well I guess, but I feel it.  I am so thankful for that, and ready to move on.  I won't forget, but I can't live in a what-if, or what-would-have-been.  My here and now needs me, and I need to be happy.

Thanks for being here for me, friends.  I love you.

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