Thursday, June 14, 2012

fighting him off

So this past weekend I had a rough time of it.  The past few months have been rough I guess, on and off - understandably, right?  But I was in the muck this weekend.  My last post I didn't share on fb, I didn't want people really to see it, and yet I wanted to get it out.  Writing always help me feel better I think.

Come to find out I was PMSing.  Well.  That didn't help.  My cycle is not regular since the miscarriage.  Which I don't appreciate.

In addition, I have been thinking a bit about the possibility - probability - of Satan's demons messing with me.  I am losing a reader or two here, whatever.  I only have five anyway.

A few days ago, Bailey was feeling really ill.  It was a rough night - I prayed over her and layed with her for quite awhile, then went to bed myself.  I woke constantly, and every time I did I would just say, "please, God..." and be thankful she was still sleeping, which meant she was comfortable.  In the morning she was bright eyed and bushy tailed and said she felt great.

God did not have to answer my prayers for me to believe He exists, it wasn't something like that.  But I think I must have been kind of holding my breath or something - I can't explain it.  All I know is that if she awoke to the pain - or hadn't even have slept - that she experience the evening before, I would have been so discouraged.  But all of her ailments were gone.  AND, this week she found another 4 leaf clover.  She barely looks for them and finds them all the time.  Maybe fifteen she's found, and a few 5 leaf clovers.  I'm not kidding!  I take them to be a gift from God, because every time she finds one I feel like He's saying "I have her."  I don't know why, I just do.

So anyway, later that day, as I was thanking Him again that she was well and healthy, I just was overcome with this feeling that I have been fighting the wrong one.  I was praying saying I was so thankful, but still so hurt, so confused.  And something in me - the Spirit I take it - just came over me and I started yelling - in my car - GET AWAY FROM ME YOU DEMONS!!!  SATAN!  In the name of Jesus, Holy Jesus, GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started crying, and I told God I just want Him back, I want to trust Him, and believe in His goodness. I felt so much better.

Anyway, if you did read that last post, I'm in a better place.

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