95/5

Yesterday was a great day.  Church in the morning and it was so good because Bailey remembered her lines and did a super job in a little skit she was in for both services - and I laughed really hard (mostly on the inside but a bit spilled out) when Taylor saw it and then said, "Oh, ok" and laughed her raspy, throaty laugh...just something about that made me laugh.  A few minutes prior she had spilled her hot chocolate (this was her first time drinking hot chocolate at church and I knew she'd spill, and she did) and I didn't care, it just was.

Lunch with family, then home where I made the choice to snuggle with the girls and watch Pinocchio - I made it through 3/4's of the movie before I couldn't take that terrible movie anymore and got up.  Decorated for Halloween and kids went to the playground with Kevin and friends.  Then I took them to the pool where we had a great time except B. had to be disciplined for a few minutes (sitting out of the pool when your sister's still swimming is big time punishment) for throwing her sister's Hello Kitty ring.    After the pool I got the girls small McDonald's fries bc they've been asking for them for a while and it seemed like a good time to say yes.

I was feeling pretty good, it was shaping out to be a banner day.

We came home, and Bailey got in the shower first while I started their dinner and threw the wet towels and suits into the wash.  I even thought to myself, "let little girlfriend take a nice long shower like she loves, don't be so rushy-mommy all the time."  But after a decent while, I knew I'd have to say something or she'd never exit.   I go in the bathroom and there's water all over the floor.

Let me back up to say I have water issues.  We had the "great flood of 2011" where our tub got a hole in it and flooded into our bedroom and down the wall into the garage.  Then a month ago I notice our fridge starts randomly leaking water all over the kitchen floor, warping brand new hardwood flooring the few times I didn't see it in time and the water sat.  Last week during the bad wind storm/torrential rain I noticed in our unfinished laundry room that water was seeping into a few of the cement wall blocks - it wasn't wet to the touch, but you could tell that water is permeating the blocks.

I love the water.  I love swimming, I love the ocean, I love watching and listening to the rain, I love lakes, I love ponds for crying out loud.   But I have water issues, and water fears.

So upon walking into the bathroom and seeing all that water, I freaked.  "Bailey, what on earth!  What is all this water!  Bailey!  The plastic curtain has to be INSIDE the tub, for real?!  You are almost 9!!  Come on!  Alright, get out, that's it.  Put the barbies down.  ALL OF THEM!  Get out!"

And right then, my banner day came to a close.  It didn't take me but a minute to wipe up all the water.  Why did I freak out like that?

I fed the girls dinner and let them watch a show. All the while I was cleaning and cooking, preparing things for the week.  I went downstairs to switch the laundry and feed the cats, and I hear them start to horse around, things are getting knocked over.  I yell up, "clear your places and just finish the show, you're going to bed in 10 minutes, come on just chill out" and they don't listen.  Yes, they heard me.  They just didn't care.

I didn't want to yell again, but I could feel my blood boiling.  I haven't sat in hours, haven't showered from the pool and reek of chlorine, I'm hungry, tired, and still have a list of things to do.  I felt so disrespected and uncared for - they couldn't at the least, listen and obey?  No.  So I calmly - through gritted teeth - told them they were to clean up the table, brush their teeth, Bailey needed her meds and they were off to bed with no tuck in.

Only a few times, if that, have the girls gone to bed without a tuck in.  I can really remember only one other time.  I love giving tuck ins, it's the favorite moment of my day with them.  Singing and back scratching, praying, talking.  But I didn't have it.  I told them why they weren't getting a tuck in, and they begged for a second chance.  Bailey started promising chores she would do this week, Taylor just was crying and saying, "I owe you apologies Mommy, please!  Please forgive me!"

Heartbreaking yes, but I just didn't have it.  That and I did want them to know they disappointed me.  I kissed them and said I love you, and GO TO BED NOW.

Kevin came home to Tate still crying her eyes out and before the key was even out of the lock I growled, "Don't you dare go back there and be Fun Nice Daddy" and he didn't.  But he did talk to her and she calmed and fell asleep.  We had dinner and watched comedy shows and I was recharged.  Before bed I crawled in with each of them and woke the poor babies to tell them I loved them more than anything and sang a short lully in their ears.

WHY is it that even when 95% of the day is banner, we obsess over the 5%?  I went to bed last night not thinking about all of the great things we did together yesterday, but about yelling at poor Bailey about the water, and sending them to bed without tuck ins.  I wondered if they'd remember any of the good, or only the bad?

Meanwhile, as he does every night of his life, Kevin put his head to the pillow and was asleep.

Every day I try not to yell.  I hate yelling.   Today is a new day and I will try again.