logically

As a freshman at Eastern College (now University but I still call it EC) I was paired with a roommate.  We talked to each other once or twice preceding meeting each other, as an introduction and to chat up what we were bringing.  It took us a few weeks to warm up to each other but then we were very close and remained roommates all four years.  We were maids (I was matron and very pregnant with Tate) of honor for each other's weddings, and she was my best friend for many years.  

However, time, distance and those things that can happen, caused some separation in our friendship.  But our love remained, and she will always be my roomie, even if only in name.  As of late, our relationship has become more comfortable and familiar again, and I am thankful for that.  Recently, we got together with her sweet little one, and she asked me how I was doing (knowing that I would know  she was meaning about the baby loss).  I teared up immediately, because that is me, and I started explaining how I know logically that we just shouldn't have another baby...my children both have special needs so we're sitting at a gambling table, we don't have room in our house, we don't have enough money to send 3 kids to college (or 2 for that matter but they're already here), our girls would be so much older than their sibling, what would it do to my marriage, I get very sick when I was pregnant with the girls...etc etc ETC.  She listened (she's a great listener) and then said, "So you do want another, because you said 'logically.'

Oh my she was right.  I forgot - but she remembered - that in college she clued me in one time that she can always tell what I really want, because I begin the conversation with, "Logically...." 

She was really right.  I really do want another.  But that just may not be the wisest decision.  All three of my pregnancies have just happened.  Yes, I know about the birds and the bees but really, 2 out of the 3 we really were trying not to and God chose to bless anyway.  My first pregnancy, no we weren't trying, but it was a method of birth control that my cousin once dubbed the, "you-can-run-but-you-can't-hide" method.  

Part of me wonders if we actually tried, perhaps we wouldn't be able to conceive.  A bigger part of me wonders if we did conceive, what if what I went through another miscarriage - and I just don't know that it would be wise for me to possibly put my family - especially my tender hearted girls - through that again.  

Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and ask God to bless us.  A bigger part of me is too scared.

I don't know yet how this story will end.  We're not pregnant, and not trying to become pregnant.  But I'm only 33, so I feel like I have a bit of time to think and pray on it some more...my prayer is that I am wise not to the world's standards, but to God's.  I pray His will for my life, that I will be made aware of it by conviction, and have the strength to follow through.  I pray He blesses my family, however He sees fit.

Logically, I should get up right now and get chores done before work.  (so that means really I want to continue to sit here and sip coffee).