Monday, April 15, 2013

one year later

As I write this I am watching "The Talk" on daytime tv to kind of take my mind off of my emotions.  However, the guest on the show is a woman dying of cancer, so there goes that, I'm crying anyway.

One year ago we lost our baby, and because I wrote a few posts about what that experience was like I thought I'd update.  2012 SUCKED.  There's no other way to put it.  Not just because of losing the baby, but other things happened as well.  The year went out with a bang, my mom breaking her leg and then having Hurricane Sandy rip through her house and neighborhood.  So much stress permeated our every-day.  We tried to keep humming because of the children, and I think that if we did not have our 2 sweet girls, we'd be in a much worse place right now.  The girls made us not just keep getting out of bed in the morning, but forced us to find joy wherever we could.  On New Years I don't think I've ever been more excited for the calendar to flip.  2013 is proving to be much, much better.

On April 12, 2012 - Kevin's birthday - we found out the baby had died.  I had gone to the doctor because of severe cramping and spotting.  I miscarried naturally over the next four days and April 16 to me is the date I will keep in my heart as the day our precious surprise baby left us.  I don't want to always affiliate Kevin's birthday with such a sad day in our family.  Although I guess I always will.  On April 16 I was home alone, and I wanted to be alone.  Kevin didn't know whether or not to work but time is money and I was tired of the sad look everyone was giving me.  I was thankful for the empathy and love, but tired of the sadness.

The cramps had mostly subsided by that day, and I thought the miscarriage was over and now I would just bleed.  I thought the worst of it had happened 2 days before.  But the cramps came back with a vengeance and I felt an urge to push and I knew then it was finally really over.   I sat in my bathroom and cried my eyes out.  It is traumatic to be sure, seeing what only looks like huge clots of blood in the toilet and wonder if you should take it out and try to look for your baby.  Perhaps you winced at that sentence, but I am telling it like it is folks.  I decided not to have a D&C, and a few times I have regretted it.  One reason is sometimes I wish I could have known what caused this - did the baby have something wrong?  But then at times I am glad I don't know, for if they found nothing wrong I surely would blame myself, more than I already do.  Also sometimes I wish we could know if it was a boy or girl - even though we call the baby "Baby Collin" and believe it was a boy.  Sometimes I'm so thankful I don't know.  Also, that memory for me of finally flushing that toilet revisits me often and it can make me shake with grief...sometimes I wish I didn't have that memory.

But I do, and here I am a year later and I am really doing ok.  I still cry, my girls still cry, Kevin still cries.  It is painful to hold babies, it is painful to think about how old our baby would be, it is painful taking pictures of our family because I feel like one is missing.  But life is still good.  My girls bring me so much joy, it is impossible to convey how thankful for them I am.  My relationship with Kevin, while going through our first very difficult season of marriage last year, has improved and I am once again taking deep joy in our time together.  We laugh a lot, and I am so SO happy to have the laughter back.  I am also happy to have chosen to return to God, for I left His side for a while. But as God does, He followed me and kept tapping me on the shoulder until I turned around.

One foot in front of the other.  I will always look back on those weeks that we were expecting our third baby fondly.  I will also always look back with deep pain.  Several months ago a wise friend told me that I will always have grief, because I love our baby, and the baby is a part of me that is gone.  And so I will grieve, because I will always miss what I love, that is not here for me to have and to hold.  Taylor said the other day she just wishes she could see what his eyes look like and it's hard waiting until Heaven.  Those moments make my heart actually hurt.  Bailey and I sat last week and cried for quite awhile mourning the loss of Baby Collin.  She would have been such a good big sister to him.  And I am sad that we did not get to see what Taylor would have been like as a big sis...and when Taylor gets mad that she was robbed that opportunity I remind her how she prayed for him when he was in my tummy, and he knew she was there.  My girls amaze me with their depth of understanding and sweetness concerning this baby and the loss.

To all who loved me up during the weeks following the miscarriage, thank you.  The flowers, cards, meals, groceries, phone calls, prayers and love...I won't forget it.

No it's not easy sometimes but the good times far outweigh the bad and I am so thankful every day for my many blessings.  Thanks for reading.  xo

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