Friday, March 7, 2014

facing fears

What are you scared of?

I can list several things right off the top of my head.  Losing my children is #1, by far.  That really goes without saying.  Sometimes, my mind wanders, and the nightmares that I know other people have experienced in this life renders me sick to my stomach and leaving me basically begging God to spare us that.   Because of Bailey's CF, I think about this more than I'd like to.  This past year I have joined a few CF facebook groups, for information and fellowship, but at times I wonder if I should leave the groups, as often there are postings about children, teens and adults who have lost their battle to CF.  Yes, my biggest fear is living through the loss of either of the 2 best things that have ever happened to me.  Losing Kevin too is a fear that makes me ill to think of it.  He's my best friend, beloved husband, team mate, sweetheart.   I will only be able to handle losing him if I myself am senile, and I wonder what happened to the nice old man that used to be my roommate?

I have far less serious fears too, relatively anyway.  Fears like what if my girls move far away from me?  What if they don't get along as adults?  What if I can't handle having an empty nest and I actually do lose my mind?  What if I can never lose this weight?  What if we can't help the kids afford college and weddings?  Will we ever not owe CHOP money, and will Bailey be able to always have affordable healthcare?  What if Parenthood/Greys Anatomy/Law and Order/Modern Family goes off the air?

And the one that has been plaguing me as of late...what if I make the wrong choice.

I am really wondering about next steps.  I feel like God has been showing me over and over that He has something else planned for me.  But I don't know exactly what or how or when.  It's scary!  I think I know what I need to do, want to do, but I'm scared I'll make the wrong move and regret it.

God keeps showing me signs.  He doesn't have to, but He is.  I can just picture Him up there, thinking "oh for the love of myself, when will this girl get it?!"  But I'm scared.

So in my quest to take on some life changes this year, I am going to try really hard to be less fearful.  To not double check my parachute 5,000 times before jumping.

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