Flash Back Friday - Taylor Elise's birth story, and then some

I found out I was pregnant with Taylor on February 4, 2005.  Bailey was 16 mos old and we hadn't decided yet what we would do about having future children.  Because of Bailey's CF diagnosis, we didn't know if we should (there's a 25% chance any time we have children that they'd have CF) - but I definitely wanted more, so perhaps we'd adopt.  But I wasn't feeling right, and the next day I was going dress-shopping for my best friends wedding so I thought I should take a test before I ordered a dress.  I wasn't even late yet, but there were the lines on the test.  I took it while little Bailey was in the bathtub, and I remember looking at her and being so happy she'd have a sibling, but I was also very scared.  I felt guilty that I hadn't prayed enough before conceiving that our next child wouldn't have CF.  I know that's not how "God works" but I felt that if I had prayed, and our child still had CF - God allowed that to happen.  Kind of like it took the blame from my hands.  But if I didn't pray and it happened, I allowed it.  Does that even make sense?

I called to tell Kevin in a panic - this was the second time he received the news we were expecting this way.  No balloons or cute "you're a daddy" t-shirts for him -- he gets his crying but laughing, scared but also happy wife on the phone.  Oh well.

I threw up just as much with Taylor as I did with Bailey - and FYI, with both of them I still gained about 40lbs each.

I felt best at night, so before going to bed I'd have a full meal - my fave was grilled chicken sandwich, cheddar cheese on top.  Fries on the side - way on the side so they didn't get mushy.  With black rasberry ice cream, whipped cream and extra cherries thank you very much - or should I say thank you Kevin, he was my go-to-boy.

Everyone needs a go-to-boy.

We found out we were having a girl and I was so happy!  I always wanted a sister, so I was so happy the girls would have each other.  I remember asking Kevin if he was disappointed and he said, "How could I be disappointed when I love Bailey so much?  I will love another girl just as much."

Have I mentioned lately that I like him.  He's rad.

During this pregnancy, I saw a specialist again bc of the blood issue and now also bc of the CF possibility.  At every ultrasound - like once a month - they (because it was a practice, saw different peeps all the time) would ask me over and over to get tested and I kept refusing.  I found it offensive that they kept including, "You still have time to persue all options."  Finally I told them to write it in huge permanent marker all over my folder that I was NOT getting tested for CF and I would NOT have an abortion.  So disgusted.  Why didn't I want to get tested?  Because it didn't matter.  The mutation that Kevin and I have combines to create a mild mutation, so there is nothing in utero or after birth that needs done.  I would just worry, so why do that?  After Tate was born we had her blood tested and found out she is a carrier of my gene (thankfully the mild one) but doesn't have it.  Praise God!

So about this blood issue -- before I was ever pregnant, I got tested for something called Factor V Leiden, as it is a clotting disorder and my dad died from a Pulmonary Embollism.  They determined I had Factor V - which was upsetting bc you think about your own mortality, you know?  They weren't treating me for it, and wouldn't unless I was pregnant or as I got older, but told me not to take birth control hormones.  So that explains these 2 babies I have -- because ALL other forms of birth control in my opinion, are the "you can run but you can't hide" variety.  With Taylor I was even more shocked than with Bailey - truly to this day, I think it's a miracle she's even here.  But it only takes one little guy to make his way through somehow...

I'm getting sidetracked.  Anyway, I got retested after Tate was born for Factor V bc I was having no issues.  I don't have it.  Then last year I took yet another test bc which test was right?  I do have a blood thing but not FV.  I'm glad I was wrongly diagnosed, bc perhaps wouldn't have the 2 children I do, so I view the mess-up as God's hand at work and I am SO grateful. So, so grateful.

So here she is.  I was scheduled for a C-section bc after my hell having Bailey, I didn't even want to try a V-bac.  Her delivery was smooth as silk.  I had her at Virtua and I loved everyone I dealt with.  The anethesiologist  was someone I wish I could move into my house -- she sat at my head the whole time and spoke softly to me and stroked my forehead.  I loved her.  I miss her.

Anyway, this time I got to see my baby be born.  They lifted her out and I was sobbing, I was so happy. They brought her to me and I got to kiss her and I remember saying to Kevin she didn't look like Bailey.  I remember looking at her ears and was so happy that she had Kevin's ears bc I don't like mine - Boo has Kev's ears too.  And Taylor's chin dimple was even deeper than Bailey's!!  They finished me up, cleaned Taylor and about an hour later I had her in my arms.  I remember I kept looking at the clock and asking Kevin to ask again if she was done, I wanted her.  She was a great nurser, and bc Bailey had stopped nursing before I wanted her to (at 5mos and there was no wooing her back), I had really looked forward to feeding her.  Both my girls roomed in with me, and I didn't like them being out of my sight.  ALTHOUGH with Tate, on my 3rd day I let the nurses keep her while I napped for just a bit bc I had no visitors and I wanted to rest up before leaving.  I should've rested up more.

We got home and all was fine for like a day.  Then she started screaming and didn't stop until yesterday. No I'm just kidding -- but she screamed A LOT.  We thought she had colic, then after 6 mos they started testing her for things that could be wrong.  We had her x-rayed, we took her to a gastro dr, and an ENT just to name a few.  Fast forward until she was over 3 and she was finally diagnosed with sensory disorder.  Our life changed dramatically, and I will forever be grateful to Sensational Kids for our start in the right direction.

Taylor Elise is a joy in my life, to put it mildly.  In her short 5 years she has taught me so much.

I think I'll keep her.

Flash Back Friday - Bailey Caelyn's birth story

A friend posted a note on FB where she gave her child's birth story.   I loved reading it, so here we go with mine.  She posted a short and sweet note...mine will be verbose and tiring.  But if you're still reading my blog, you know I'm not a short and sweet kind of girl.

I got pregnant with Bailey when I was 23, not quite 1 1/2 yrs into our "5 year plan."  I was taking 2 grad classes and working as a social worker.  That morning, I freaked out...as in, I took a pregnancy test, got into the shower and peeked out at a couple of flaming lines (I think it was laughing at me too) and promptly fell.  As I was sitting on the shower floor, I immediately felt guilty, what if I hurt the baby already.

Mommy guilt is a pervasive, nasty thing...but more on that another time.

Kevin and I went to LabCorp for a blood test, and by that evening I was praying it would be positive for sure.  The nurse called to tell me, she said, "Hi Mommy" and I started weeping (no surprises there I'm sure).  I was so happy...I had always wanted to be a mom, so what if it happened faster than we thought.

I had assumed that because I had always wanted to be a mom, for some reason I would have a great pregnancy.  I have NO idea why I thought that, and at around 7 weeks I started getting sick...and it didn't stop.  I was sick almost daily - sometimes several times daily - throughout the whole thing  I threw up in a hairdresser's sink, I threw up all over my MIL's books she had stacked on the floor, I threw up in the car...many, many times.  I was so sensitive to smell, and it could make me sick before I even knew it.  Brushing my teeth meant getting sick, every time.  It was not the worst thing in the world by any means...I knew how blessed I was to be growing a baby with no problems except for getting sick.  But it was difficult, and I counted down the days until I could have the baby.

We found out we were having a girl, and I was over the moon.  I had thought it would be a boy because of the tons of boys on Kevin's side, but here it was a girl.  I was so glad we found out so I could plan, and I rubbed my huge stretch mark striped tummy and talked to my baby.

We took 12 weeks of Bradley classes, where they try to prepare you for a natural childbirth.  I didn't want to bury the placenta or anything, but I really wanted to be "present" for her arrival, and in the off-chance the drugs would do anything to her, I didn't want to take them.  That is $250 I wish I had back...but actually, the classes were really nice because for 1/2 hr of the 2 1/2 hr class, Kevin had to do a "relaxation exercise" with me which I LOVED.  Massage and slow, quiet talking.  But not only did I take drugs, I ended up with a C-section...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was being monitored by a specialist because of a blood clotting history in my family, so at an ultrasound a few weeks before my due date they realized my amniotic fluid level was low.  I had to come back the next day, and it was a lot lower.  But I didn't feel like I was leaking any, I still don't know what happened.  Anyway, they had me check in, and induced me.  The baby's head hadn't even dropped, I knew from my reading ('cause that's what you do when you have time to kill before a baby...it's probably the last book I read) that if you're induced, you have a much higher chance of drugs or a C-section.  Fast forward 36 hours of hell, and at 10:53 pm Bailey Caelyn came into the world by C-section.  They had to take her out, and I'm glad they did.  Thank God for medical intervention.  However, because of all that vomiting I was telling you about...literally ON the operating table I got the dry heaves, and I couldn't stop.  So they actually knocked me out, and to this day I am still devastated by that.  I didn't get to see her come out, and I was out for over an hour afterwards.

Kevin knew I'd want to be the first one to hold the baby, and he didn't let anyone except him hold her until I could.  When I woke up, all I could think to say was, "my baby, my baby..." and I still remember how desperately I tried to appear awake, so the nurses would let me hold her.  Kevin gave her to me, and I just told myself, hold her strong, don't drop her...I was so weak.  I looked at her in my groggy state, and started crying and couldn't stop.  She was SO beautiful, so perfect!!!  I couldn't believe she was mine!  She had a dimple on her chin, I remember noticing that.

I don't remember who took her away, but after some nurse shoved my boob into the baby's mouth, Bailey got passed around the visitors and I slept.  I'm also sad I missed seeing their reactions to seeing Bailey for the first time.  But over the next few days at the hospital I really enjoyed seeing family and friends love on her, I was so proud.  Kevin was so gentle with her and with me, I was very happy.

Bailey did have jaundice, so after we got home, the next day we had to go back and she had to spend 2 more days.  I had delivered her at Kennedy, but she was admitted to Virtua with her jaundice - what a difference!!  The nurses at Kennedy were not kind, I really didn't enjoy the environment of that hospital. Virtua bent over backwards for us, so that made it easier to be there.  Bailey was in a light bed, with little goggles on her eyes.  I was so hormonal, and I just couldn't stop crying that Bailey was not being snuggled by me, she was in an incubator.  I remember reminding myself though, that if this was the worst of it, I was so much more fortunate than many, many families.  There was no reasoning with my hormones though and I was SO happy when we were cleared to go home.

A few days after that, I got a phone call that Bailey's heel prick test when she was born showed she may have Cystic Fibrosis.  I was laying on the floor with her, and I remember sitting up, and asking what that was.  She didn't explain it, she said before we jumped to any conclusions Bailey had to be tested.  I looked it up on the internet (the beginning with my love-hate relationship with Google - although at that time was it Yahoo or something?)  and freaked out.  The next few days I licked Bailey's arms continuously (that used to be an old way to test for CF, if you could taste the salt on the skin) and waited for the first test results for the sweat test we did - they had taken a band and put it around her arm, which had painless electrodes or something, and then they measure the salt content in the sweat.  It came back borderline, as did the next THREE tests.  Finally they did a genetic blood test and she did have CF.  They didn't do the blood test right away because there's over 1000 mutations and it takes longer.  I remember the nurse from CHOP telling me that if her child had to have CF, Bailey had the most mild mutation and she'd want that.  I remember yelling into the phone, "who would want their baby to have a disease that could kill her?!"  She was such a nice nurse, I just took it out on her.  I wouldn't put Bailey down for days, I cried many tears onto her pretty little head.

Hmmm this has turned into much more than a birth story...but it all flows together in my head to me.  What I learned from Bailey's birth and then her diagnosis, is that life does not turn out the way we plan all the time!!  Sometimes it's worth grieving over, sometimes you have to move on quickly.  I wish I had moved on quicker, during Bailey's first year of life.  What a precious time that was, just me and this chubby, pink, HEALTHY baby...and so often I thought of the birth that wasn't what I wanted, her diagnosis that scared me to death, and whether or not we should even have more children.  I wish I could go back and hold that sweetheart of a baby and just ENJOY her more.  She was such a dollbaby.  Every day she'd take her afternoon nap on me, I loved it.  I'd nurse her and she'd fall asleep, the 2 of us in my Lazyboy.  She'd wake up hot, with her sweaty head on me, and look at me with her huge brown eyes and smile.  How many of those naps did I pray to God and beg Him for her health, instead of thanking Him for how healthy she was.  I was so scared.  I DID take much joy in her, but some of my joy was taken away by fear.

That season of fear in my life passed, and I am thankful for that.  I am thankful for the health Bailey has...and of course, I am INCREDIBLY thankful for her...a gift from God.  We say our babies are the best gifts we never asked for.  Both of them came to us as a surprise, and I can't imagine having any other 2 children but Bailey and Taylor.  They are daily reminders of how God knows what we need SO much better than we do.

Tatie Tot's story next week...I know you're on pins and needles waiting.  :)