Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Am I where I want to be at 32?

Today is my 32nd birthday.  Kevin made me Eggos, Bailey made me a card and wrapped it, Taylor said she wanted it to be her birthday, but then wrapped me up some pretty stones...and then took them back.  It felt right.

I remember as a child there was a young woman in my neighborhood, I think she was in her early 20's, maybe I was 8 or 9.  She had a boyfriend, and I remember feeling something - like a Whoa! feeling - when I saw them together, taking a walk.  There was something about her that I remember feeling in awe of, and wanting to be just like her when I grew up...and really, I didn't even know her.  But her confidence, her laugh, her joy (what I perceived at the time anyway) was something I wanted.  And for someone to have their arm around me, and look at me like her boyfriend looked at her.

I didn't really have plans for my life when I was younger.  I knew I wanted to get married and be a mother - I've known that since making mudpies and carrying around my Cabbage Patch baby.  But when I went to college, I realized I had to have some kind of goal - so I majored in Psychology, reasoning that I would like the "people and listening" kind of field.  A year of social work taught me I needed a Masters to really have any choices within that career line, and I started taking 2 courses in Counseling - and then found out I was pregnant with Bailey.  I dropped out and haven't gone back.  And now I have a dire case of the "I don't know what I want to do with my life."

I am so thankful God blessed me with a husband, and I love being a mother.  Being a wife and mom will always be the most important roles I will have - that and being a servant of the Lord.  I am asking Him to open my eyes to the work He has in store for me.

When I turned 30, I told myself that my 20's were about being a young wife, and a new mother - learning the ropes.  I wanted my 30's to be about maturing, growing, refining - and honestly, losing a big chunk of weight.  I don't think I've accomplished any of those things yet.  I still have a temper and am too quick to yell, I still am not disciplined in taking the time with God I need to, I still am - minus maybe 10 pounds - the same weight I was when I delivered Taylor, almost 6 yrs ago.  That's right folks, a full term baby.  Big sigh.  These things make me feel like a failure, make me feel like time is passing and I have nothing to show for it.

But that's not the truth.  I have 2 girls who are happy and healthy...and with their 2 separate issues, I am even more grateful for that fact.  I have a husband who still loves me, still provides for his family.  I am close with my mother - just this past weekend she came over and made me peach pie, and said a prayer of thankfulness for me while we held hands at the Cracker Barrel.  I have friends who I really enjoy...I may not have a best friend, which I really miss having in my life, but I know I am loved and a few friends even think I'm funny.  That's a great feeling.

So at 32 I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm thankful for all the blessings in my life.  And really - that feeling that young woman must have had, laughing down the street with her boyfriend - I have that feeling every day.  Joy and love.  Just what I wanted.

1 comment:

  1. I don't feel I really have a best friend either... I think about my life a lot too. I don't think I am where I thought I would be; debt, number of children, job, house, etc. I have to keep reminding myself, "God has a plan... God has a plan..." :) I enjoyed your post.