Today is my 32nd birthday. Kevin made me Eggos, Bailey made me a card and wrapped it, Taylor said she wanted it to be her birthday, but then wrapped me up some pretty stones...and then took them back. It felt right.
I remember as a child there was a young woman in my neighborhood, I think she was in her early 20's, maybe I was 8 or 9. She had a boyfriend, and I remember feeling something - like a Whoa! feeling - when I saw them together, taking a walk. There was something about her that I remember feeling in awe of, and wanting to be just like her when I grew up...and really, I didn't even know her. But her confidence, her laugh, her joy (what I perceived at the time anyway) was something I wanted. And for someone to have their arm around me, and look at me like her boyfriend looked at her.
I didn't really have plans for my life when I was younger. I knew I wanted to get married and be a mother - I've known that since making mudpies and carrying around my Cabbage Patch baby. But when I went to college, I realized I had to have some kind of goal - so I majored in Psychology, reasoning that I would like the "people and listening" kind of field. A year of social work taught me I needed a Masters to really have any choices within that career line, and I started taking 2 courses in Counseling - and then found out I was pregnant with Bailey. I dropped out and haven't gone back. And now I have a dire case of the "I don't know what I want to do with my life."
I am so thankful God blessed me with a husband, and I love being a mother. Being a wife and mom will always be the most important roles I will have - that and being a servant of the Lord. I am asking Him to open my eyes to the work He has in store for me.
When I turned 30, I told myself that my 20's were about being a young wife, and a new mother - learning the ropes. I wanted my 30's to be about maturing, growing, refining - and honestly, losing a big chunk of weight. I don't think I've accomplished any of those things yet. I still have a temper and am too quick to yell, I still am not disciplined in taking the time with God I need to, I still am - minus maybe 10 pounds - the same weight I was when I delivered Taylor, almost 6 yrs ago. That's right folks, a full term baby. Big sigh. These things make me feel like a failure, make me feel like time is passing and I have nothing to show for it.
But that's not the truth. I have 2 girls who are happy and healthy...and with their 2 separate issues, I am even more grateful for that fact. I have a husband who still loves me, still provides for his family. I am close with my mother - just this past weekend she came over and made me peach pie, and said a prayer of thankfulness for me while we held hands at the Cracker Barrel. I have friends who I really enjoy...I may not have a best friend, which I really miss having in my life, but I know I am loved and a few friends even think I'm funny. That's a great feeling.
So at 32 I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm thankful for all the blessings in my life. And really - that feeling that young woman must have had, laughing down the street with her boyfriend - I have that feeling every day. Joy and love. Just what I wanted.