haze

You know it's been too long since you've blogged when you have to sign in to write a post.  Sigh.

I guess I have not been very motivated to write.  I have felt a cloud of depression hanging over me...not surrounding me so that I can not see through it's haze, but way up there where I can see it, and it follows me as I walk.  I have had a lot of joy, but these moments of deep sadness.  Most of it about the baby we lost, I miss him all the time, but other things too.  Can't put my finger on the reasons, just a way of being here and there.

Does that make any sense?

Well, as of tomorrow afternoon it is summertime here.  Girls will get off the bus at 1:15pm  and will be mine until September 9.  Our first full day off will be fun, as they don't know it but we're going to see Little Mermaid at Paper Mill Playhouse.  My in-laws are treating, it is my father-in-law's birthday.  I also am looking forward to giving him his gift - something he really wanted but I told him I probably could not get.  He will be surprised and so happy!  He is a good father.  I miss my own dad, especially in the summer as that was when he was happiest, with our pool and the beach, but Kevin's dad is a good man.  When I was engaged to Kevin I remember thinking what a wise choice I was making.   If Kevin grew into the man his father was - loving to his wife after decades of marriage, a fun dad, a strong provider, a faith-filled man...I was good to go.

That was an unexpected side conversation.  This is how I talk in real life, when I can't edit myself and move sentences around.

Next time I write I will have more focus, more to say...but as I sit here in the hour before I have to leave for my girls' class parties, I feel kind of ugh.  Isn't that a feeling?

Ugh.