Not normal

Today I was so happy to go to Bailey's class party to celebrate the end of her first grade year.  I love being in her classroom  - I love the way her face lights up when she sees me, she is so happy and proud.  I love seeing her participate with her classmates and I love feeling happy with her school experience.  Her teachers every single year, since she started preschool, have been perfect for her.  Last year we had an issue with a boy who was quite unkind to her, but that has been the only real negative in her public school time so far.   That same boy was in her class this year - I even scheduled a meeting with the teacher to let her know what had happened so she could keep her eyes and ears out.  Thankfully, he must have matured somewhat because besides a few comments over the year, he and Bailey got along well.

Anyway, today for the party, the kids made a craft, had a special snack and then played a game.  Us room moms were chatting a bit and watching the kids.  I thought to myself what a good looking class it was...and I thought back to when Bailey was diagnosed with CF.  I remembered one of my nights researching CF online (I did this for many, many nights...once in awhile I still do) I came across a blog of a young girl with CF.  She looked pretty good in her healthy pictures, albeit quite thin, but in her hospital pics she looked very sickly.  Also, a friend of the family, when hearing Bailey had CF, had said they knew a family with a few CF kids and those kids all looked sick, with a blue-ish tint to their skin.  She said it to say that Bailey looked so healthy, she didn't "look like she has CF."  But instead of making me feel better, or lucky, I felt like she didn't look like that...yet.  It scared me.  The pictures of the young girl in the hospital scared me.  I was already very, very scared of her dying prematurely but then I also started being scared of not just of her dying, but what her living was going to look like.   Would she be a sick kid?  Spend weeks a year at a hospital, like so many CFers?  When she was healthy enough to be in school, would she look different, and kids would be nervous to be her friend?  How much school would she miss being sick?

During Bailey's first several months of life, I had a million thoughts race through my head, how she would look didn't occupy many thoughts, but it was there.  I wanted her to be NORMAL and have friends.  I didn't want her to stick out, I wanted her to look like any other kid.  I wanted her to grow up in a happy home, having a happy childhood, stay out of trouble as a teen, go to a good college, marry a sweet, kind boy who loved the Lord and adored my daughter, have a job she loves, have a healthy, happy family -- down the street from me.  That's it.  Her diagnosis threw so many questions into that equation.  I didn't know what any of that would look like.

But what I have learned, is that none of us moms know what that will look like!!!  What I DO know, is she is a daugher of the King, Father God.  He made her, and knows her future.  The Bible tells me that He only wants good for her, to give her hope and a future.  And get this - I have realized something else.  Bailey's diagnosis is not something that is welcome to us.  It is a disease, nothing to be wanted.  BUT we have already seen how God has used that to be a blessing in our lives, and others lives.  I have written before - and if you know Bailey you have seen - she is a sweet, sweet girl.  She is empathetic beyond her years.  Just today during that class party, one of her classmates fell out of his chair.  He bumped his head a bit and was crying - I think mostly because he was embarrassed.  The teacher went to him quickly, and guess who else.  Bailey.  "Are you ok?  Are you hurt?"  My heart almost burst with pride.

Why would I EVER want her to be "normal" as I said before...when I can have BAILEY.  She is not normal.  And I am SO, SO thankful for that.  To a bystander she certainly looks normal and healthy - and I am very thankful for that, too.  She is the picture of health actually.  But I have come to understand that being normal isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Now I have a different "equation" that I want for my girls, both of them.  Sure, I want all of those same things for them...marriage, family, career.  But more than that, so much more, I want them to have character - love, strength, joy, compassion.  A fire for the Lord that is contagious.

Both of my girls deal with a challenge that some do not.  For Bailey it's the CF, for Taylor it's her sensory and anxiety issues.  Upon first learning of their diagnoses, I was devastated.  I did not know what that would mean for their future.  I still don't know, really.  But today, not only was I so thankful that Bailey "looks" so beautiful and healthy - "normal" - but I was also so thankful she is not normal. Not because of her disease, but because of the amazing little girl she is.

Thank you God, for being all-knowing, all-seeing, all-loving.  Thank you for making Bailey as You saw fit.  Please forgive me for doubting you, for doubting your hand on her life.  I know your hand is there, God, I know you are holding her.  Thank you for that Lord, thank you.  Thank you for creating in her a heart of joy, compassion, love.  Please help me foster those characteristics in her God, help me to teach her and guide her towards what YOU want for her life, and what You want her to give to others.  Thank you God, that Bailey is not normal...and thank you for showing me You don't want her to be.  Amen.

Cha-cha-cha-Changes...

So I have figured it out, although it's not really news.  I HATE CHANGE.  Despise.  Detest.  Abhor.

It's scary to me, unfamiliar.  There have been some changes in my life I have welcomed with open arms, but if I am doing alright, I dread something different coming down my pike.

The last few days I have been a sourpuss.  I have gone through this before...when Bailey went to preschool, graduated from preschool, went to kindergarten, went to first grade...you get the picture.  I had thought that I kept my emotions to myself...well, of course Kevin had to endure me, and most friends and any family that came within 100 yards of me.  But I tried to do the whole, "I'm so proud of you, my big girl!  Look at you!", keeping my real feelings, "Please, stop growing!  Stop!  I am scared of what's coming, I am scared that you won't always look at me the way you do, I am scared you won't need me, I am scared we'll grow apart..." to myself.

But at the beginning of Bailey's first grade year, I am ashamed to say, I think I made the poor girl sick.  The first day of school came, she got all dolled up and we took pictures by the 'back to school' bus flag in front of our house...she got on the bus (yes I was crying - it was her first day of full-day school!)...and 2 hours later I was picking her up from the nurse's office.  She was warm and very tired she said.  I thought maybe it was a CF-related exhaustion thing and I babied her for the next day.  That weekend at church, I overheard her trying to console a little girl who didn't want to go to Sunday School.  "Honey, I was just like you!  I was so nervous about going to 1st grade, who would I sit with at lunch?  But it turned out great!  You'll love Sunday School."

Ummm....I realized right then and there I made my daughter sick with worry.  I had had a nightmare a few days before school started that she was in the cafeteria for lunch and no one would sit with her.  She must have heard me tell Kevin or maybe my mom (and as she heard that, she would've heard me crying and panicked).  Can you imagine?  Not one of my most stellar mom moments, that's for sure.   I felt terrible.  I had a really long talk with her out at a restaurant about it, and asked for forgiveness.  I told her also that I couldn't promise she'd never hear me be scared or nervous again, because we live in the same house and sometimes I feel a lot of things.  As she grows, I see her sensitivity and emotional side, and I can tell she will also not be able to shrug things off easily.

Well, I am pretty much out of my funk now.  I feel good.  Summer has almost officially begun, Bailey just has 2 more 1/2 days of school.  We LOVE summer and do tons of fun things.  I'm so blessed to be able to have them all summer.  Of course, more time at home means more frustration, anger, tears, time-outs...for all of us.  But every day, I am grateful I am at home.  As the time comes closer and closer for me to get a job, I am all the more thankful.  It helps that the kids are much more self-sufficient - I remember well the days of non-stop diapers, feedings, crying, tantruming - repeat.  They can still be pretty needy and tantrumy sometimes, but we have a lot of fun too.  They're at nice ages.

But I get it...they will keep growing.  I'm thankful for that really - it's means they're healthy.  I'm happy my moaning has ceased...at least until next year.

"People who suffer as I do from nervous complaint shall have no pleasure talking, as I do!"

I have been ensconced in 'Pride and Prejudice' (the remake, Kierra Knightly) the last 2 days.  It's been 2 days because that's how long it takes me to watch a movie.  I love this movie.  I love the language, I love the dress, I love the charm of Mr. Bingley, the rambling of Mrs. Bennett and Mr. Bennett's love for her, I love Mr. Darcy's serious eyes.

I am watching P&P because I am trying to escape my head.  I am so pissed at myself that I bunked at all of 2 miles an hour, if that, into a trash can and broke my van mirror.  I am pissed that the van already needed a bunch of other work done so who knows what all of that is going to cost.  I'm sad at my daughter's preschool graduation.  One of my cats appears to be sick and has barfed and shat on the floor, of course on the carpet where it's harder to clean.  As I've written earlier, I despise with a deep, heartfelt hatred, my carpet so it's not that I mind that it's further trashed (it's like pouring mouthwash into a sewer, does it much matter?) but I am quite lazy, and I mind getting on my hands and knees to scrub carpet I'd rather tear out.

So basically friends, what we have here - even amidst this gorgeous weather we are blessed to have - is a foul, poor, nasty attitude.

I love Lady Katherine's hair in this movie.  I forget the actress who plays her, a handsome woman.  She's fabulous.  "Her ladyship demands it."

Yeah, I'm watching it right now.  Laid out on the couch like a beached whale.  Bra-less mind you.  Sorry if that was a put-off, just paining a picture.

Tonight Kevin and I are going to the Phillies game, where he has assured me it's going to be the game of a lifetime.  I don't know what that means...he went on to tell me why but I wasn't listening anymore.  That's the secret to my marriage by the way.

Kevin, if you ever read this, I love you and your expansive conversational tendencies.  It's one of the reasons why I fell in love with you.  And I am no mute to be sure.

So anyway, I think the game of a lifetime will bring me out of my funk.  And why am I in a funk anyway, with a family as wonderful as mine, with a life as blessed as mine.

"Put me out of my misery, marry me Elizabeth."

It's my pleasure

This morning I took Tatie down to the playground at the end of our street.  We are 4 houses from the end, so it's really close and a main reason why we bought the house.  When my girls were younger and home with me all day, sometimes I'd take them there twice a day...and there's even another playground across the street from that one!   We are really fortunate.  But until just a month ago, the one playground was really in need of an overhaul.  Rotting wooden playset, overgrown trees, tons of sticks on the ground.  Well, they put in an amazing new playset and really cleaned it up - we love it!!  Other neighborhood kids have been playing there a lot more since the overhaul, and it's been great for Taylor's socialization.

Well, today she was playing so well with the other kids I actually called the school and told them I didn't need her bus to pick her up and I would drive her, which bought her 15 more minutes to play.  Tomorrow is her preschool graduation and if you know me, you know I've been....contemplative.  A bit sad.  But mostly, very, very proud.  Taylor has come so far in her 2 years with Miss Cheryl and "team Taylor" over at our district special ed pre-k.  They have loved her, taught her, encouraged her, validated her, strengthened her.  They did all those same things for me, too.

Seeing Taylor play appropriately with another child brings such joy to my heart, I can not explain.  When she started at Rice (her school) I remember going to a CST meeting, and upon walking up to the school I saw a class file in from recess.  They were probably 1st grade.  All the kids were talking and laughing...all but one.  There was a girl lagging behind, all by herself.  I tear up just thinking about it!!  Oh I wanted to run over and hug her, take her to Friendlies and love on her.  I wanted to buy her a toy.  I wanted to see her smile...and I wanted to tell the other children, "don't you see her?  Why aren't you friends with her?"  And then, as I walked and ached...I thought of my Taylor and I almost fell over.  Would that be her?!  Oh please God no.  Please God, let her be NORMAL and let her have friends.  At that point in her young life - 3 yrs old - I chose her "friends" for her.  Playdates with church and MOPS friends.  Friends whose moms knew about Taylor, and would gently encourage their children to include her...and honestly, a lot of times she didn't want to be included.  "I play by myself, no you."  Playdates used to be so stressful - for her and me.  Bailey LOVED going to other people's houses, or having them to ours.  Taylor hated it.  If they were here, why are they touching all my stuff?!!!  Share?!  Are you nuts?!  Why is it so loud?  Why is your baby crying...make it stop.  If we were there, she would just cling to me, I called her my koala baby.  I was tired, she was tired...I felt beaten down, and she probably felt confused, pissed off, and sad.

But look at her now.  Look at her now!!!  Look at me now.   We're not done - works in progress.  Next year will be a big transition, for both of us, but we'll do it.  She is so strong, my little girl.  Strong and brave.  She is teaching me, every day, how to take on the world.

It is my pleasure watching my daughters grow.  What an honor.  The privilege of my life.  I am one proud mama.

Top 10 things that make me sad

Hmm a bit depressing of a title, eh?  Oh well, I feel like it.  It is my blog after all.

Tatie Tot, mad and sad...and petting mama's hair 'cause that makes her feel better.  Which makes me feel better.

1.  Anything being wrong with my babies.  I hate it.  Sometimes, I know that they will come out the other side, and will be all the stronger, or smarter...but sometimes it's just really, really tough.

2.  Thinking about my kids growing up.  Yes I know, I know...there is no avoiding it, "give them wings to fly" and all that crap.  But they're my babies.

3.  I don't watch or listen to any news...truthfully, I find everything out either on FB or Kevin telling me.  I just can't handle it.  Natural disasters, terrorists, abuse, murder...it does me in.  I don't live under a rock though, so when I do find out about something that someone else in this world has endured that is unjust or tragic, I feel sad for them.  And I thank God for my family's safety and comfort.

4.  On a completely separate note - and completely selfish and self-indulgent - I am sad that my favorite shows are over for the season.

5.  So this doesn't make me sad per se - but speaking of tv, I can't handle those Disney commercials!!  Oh my gosh - the music, the kids getting so excited, the parents' looks of joy - I want to be in Disney!!

August 2010, Chef Mickey.  Good times.  Make that awesome times.  

6.  Going to animal shelters.   I donate from time to time, and I just hope those babies get picked up by somebody awesome.  It's hard to hear the barking and meowing and not take a little one home!

7.  My waistline.  My thighs.  My backside.  My chins.  You get where I'm going with this.  It's not pretty.  But what's really sad is that when it was, I didn't know it.

8.  Commercial real estate where a farm once stood.

This picture has nothing to do with anything.  And Bailey was like, 3 years old here.  But it's one of my faves and I have no idea what she's asking for - maybe Disney?  I hear ya sister.  I think I am going to have to plant a big kiss on her sweet sleeping face in a few minutes...I mean really, how CUTE is she?!  God knew how much I love to gaze into brown eyes...so he gave me 3 pairs of the deepest brown eyes you could ever see.  They melt me.

9.  Being far away from someone when I want to hug them.  That's achy breaky stuff.  Thankfully, my kids are right down the hall and I can love them up almost as much as I want to.  The school receptionist would probably look at me funny if I stopped by to call the girls out just for a hug...so I refrain myself.  Barely at times.  And then, 10 minutes after they get off their buses and are fighting already about who gets to choose the show they watch...I think, wow, school is nice.
 
10.  Missing.  Just that word...it's sad.  When I miss someone, or something, wow that feels awful.


*Nothing depressing brought on the content of this post.  All of my loved ones are safe and sound, and we had a perfectly pleasant Sunday evening.

Coupon Crazy

So I have to be honest with you...couponing does take a bit of work.  I love it, and I get really excited about good deals I find for my family, or to give to others.  I take comfort in having a cushion of supplies - like detergent, cat food, toiletries.  I love knowing I have the makings for plenty of meals.  But shopping in this different way - of stocking up in addition to buying perishable items - takes time and effort.  I don't mind looking through the deals - I like it actually.  I don't mind the grocery shopping - I only go to 2 stores usually each week, and I have the luxury of either going while my girls are at school in the afternoon, or my local ShopRite has free childcare if they are with me.  I don't mind cutting coupons.

I DO mind organizing the coupons.  UGGHHHHHH.  Right now I am 2 weeks behind.  So I have a large baggie with lots of cut coupons, all mixed together.  It will take me at least a few hours to organize them into like piles (ie - cereal, yogurt, juices, etc) and then fill them in to my binder.  And because I have some sort of homemaker ADD thing going, I can't just sit and complete this task - I stand at the kitchen counter, coupons all spread out, and all day tomorrow I will take several minutes here and there and file some coupons.  It will annoy me, tire me, and bore me.

But I will do it, because I have figured that my couponing yields me some serious cash.  For a stay at home mom to earn anywhere from $20-$100/hr or more depending on the week, that is a good part time gig.  I don't actually "earn" it I guess, there's no money going into my pocket.  But there's a whole lot less money going OUT, so I count it as the same.

This week is a bit dry at the grocery stores, so I'll spend my couponing time organizing, and maybe an hour getting a bit of produce and spending some Rite Aids UP rewards that are about to expire.  And I'll hit up CVS to get their free stuff (soap and Bayer off the top of my head).  Good luck this week friends - and remember, a dollar not spent, or a dollar saved with a coupon, is a dollar in your pocket.

So what was this post really about anyway.  Well, I guess my point is - couponing is not all roses.  But it can be fun, it IS rewarding, and it's the easiest way I can think of to create more wiggle room in your budget.  Feel free to ask me a question that's been on your mind!

Dr Zoomerman

Taylor has said for a while now that she wants to be a doctor when she grows up.  She is FASCINATED with so many things - from the little hairs on caterpillars, to inspecting any of our boo boos with her magnifying glass - that I really believe she could be.  Plus, she is very bright, she likes working alone, she can sit for extending periods of time "working" (I know, right?!  I don't know why she can't focus when I give her directions, but give her "homework" and she sits tight) and for some reason, I can just really see her actually being a doctor.  This is going to sound awful - brace yourselves - but I do not believe my kids can just do anything.  I don't tell them that of course, but if they were to say they wanted to be President of the United States, in my head I'd be saying, "keep dreamin', kid."  Both my girls have different gifts and abilities, and as they grow I am starting to imagine who they might grow up to be.

I picture Bailey as a mom, first and foremost, and a doting wife.  Her husband will also have to dote though, because girlfriend is a tad spoiled.  But she is so loving, affectionate, and family matters so much to her that I can easily picture her with at least a few kids, either staying at home or in a profession like teaching.  She loves to play teacher and even has a little apron with letters and numbers she wears when she is "Miss Bailey."

As I said, I really believe Tatie could be a doctor someday, and this is what she recently said.   I asked her what kind of doctor she wanted to be, like did she want to help babies come out of mommies, did she want to look at peoples booboos in the hospital, did she want to look at x-rays (she's had a few, she knows what they are).   She said, "I want to be a Zoomerman doctor."  me - "Is that a dr that goes to the zoo?  Do you want to be a vet?"  Tate - "NO Mommy, a ZOOMERMAN doctor!" (She gets easily pissed off at me if I'm not on her wavelength).  me - "Taylor, I don't know what that is, I'm sorry.  What is it?"  Tate (looking at me like I'm dumb as dirt) - "It's the doctor that, you know, zooms in - gives shot, open wide, ok ok, and zooms out."  Kevin and I couldn't help but start laughing - which further exasperated her so we quickly composed ourselves, didn't want to dream-squash, but it was SO HER.   It was just so like Taylor to not want to spend too much time with the patients, she just wants to zoom in and out.

I miss the baby days (sometimes) but now that they are getting older, I love that the girls have these moments that are just "so them."  They are growing into themselves, and I love it.  It is so like Bailey to tear up upon seeing a baby carrier seat on a stretcher at CHOP yesterday - I did too, even though we both had no clue what was wrong with the baby - but that empathy she has is so acute, so strong.  I am careful to talk to her about such things, trying to have her not be a "burden bearer" - I love her compassion but do not want her to take on the weight of the world.  I didn't much talk to her about the natural disasters occurring, like recent Joplin, bc she would have been up at night with worry.

I love my sweet Bailey, and my Dr Zoomerman.  I look forward to seeing what they do when they grow up, but I certainly can wait to see - time is already going by fast enough.