Thursday, June 16, 2011


So I have figured it out, although it's not really news.  I HATE CHANGE.  Despise.  Detest.  Abhor.

It's scary to me, unfamiliar.  There have been some changes in my life I have welcomed with open arms, but if I am doing alright, I dread something different coming down my pike.

The last few days I have been a sourpuss.  I have gone through this before...when Bailey went to preschool, graduated from preschool, went to kindergarten, went to first get the picture.  I had thought that I kept my emotions to myself...well, of course Kevin had to endure me, and most friends and any family that came within 100 yards of me.  But I tried to do the whole, "I'm so proud of you, my big girl!  Look at you!", keeping my real feelings, "Please, stop growing!  Stop!  I am scared of what's coming, I am scared that you won't always look at me the way you do, I am scared you won't need me, I am scared we'll grow apart..." to myself.

But at the beginning of Bailey's first grade year, I am ashamed to say, I think I made the poor girl sick.  The first day of school came, she got all dolled up and we took pictures by the 'back to school' bus flag in front of our house...she got on the bus (yes I was crying - it was her first day of full-day school!)...and 2 hours later I was picking her up from the nurse's office.  She was warm and very tired she said.  I thought maybe it was a CF-related exhaustion thing and I babied her for the next day.  That weekend at church, I overheard her trying to console a little girl who didn't want to go to Sunday School.  "Honey, I was just like you!  I was so nervous about going to 1st grade, who would I sit with at lunch?  But it turned out great!  You'll love Sunday School."

Ummm....I realized right then and there I made my daughter sick with worry.  I had had a nightmare a few days before school started that she was in the cafeteria for lunch and no one would sit with her.  She must have heard me tell Kevin or maybe my mom (and as she heard that, she would've heard me crying and panicked).  Can you imagine?  Not one of my most stellar mom moments, that's for sure.   I felt terrible.  I had a really long talk with her out at a restaurant about it, and asked for forgiveness.  I told her also that I couldn't promise she'd never hear me be scared or nervous again, because we live in the same house and sometimes I feel a lot of things.  As she grows, I see her sensitivity and emotional side, and I can tell she will also not be able to shrug things off easily.

Well, I am pretty much out of my funk now.  I feel good.  Summer has almost officially begun, Bailey just has 2 more 1/2 days of school.  We LOVE summer and do tons of fun things.  I'm so blessed to be able to have them all summer.  Of course, more time at home means more frustration, anger, tears, time-outs...for all of us.  But every day, I am grateful I am at home.  As the time comes closer and closer for me to get a job, I am all the more thankful.  It helps that the kids are much more self-sufficient - I remember well the days of non-stop diapers, feedings, crying, tantruming - repeat.  They can still be pretty needy and tantrumy sometimes, but we have a lot of fun too.  They're at nice ages.

But I get it...they will keep growing.  I'm thankful for that really - it's means they're healthy.  I'm happy my moaning has least until next year.

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