I actually wrote for over an hour, composing a blog post that is not even done. I started to get overwhelmed with it, so I saved it and here I am going to write about something else entirely.
Double duty meals.
I was talking with a few girlfriends this weekend about how much I love prepping and cooking meals. My habit is to do bigger shopping trips every other week, with a weekly catch up trip for that week's deals with coupons and fresh produce. They were surprised I think with how much I like it, but in thinking about it, I realized it's because I feel efficient and productive. And I love when my family enjoys what I make. My dream is to have an entire weeks worth of meals that all 4 of us eat happily, with no complaint. But as it is, half the time I make the kids something else or they eat cereal. I have bigger battles, people.
So here is our menu for the week. I double duty almost everything I ever make. Meaning whatever I cook, I plan a different meal out of the leftovers.
Monday - creamy homemade chicken soup. I used leftover rotisserie chicken, that was from a meal I had served last week of chicken, potatoes, veggies. I froze the chicken along with the veggies. So today I made a roux of butter, diced onion and flour, added homemade broth and milk, tossed in leftover brown rice and the frozen chicken and veggies. Took 15 minutes start to finish and it's ready to reheat tonight. I made this meal this morning as I cleaned the kitchen from breakfast. The kids will eat this but will pick out and bitch about all the veggies. They will also have banana or applesauce and I'll make biscuits.
Tuesday - spicy italian chicken sausage links in homemade tomato sauce, pasta and salad. I'll double the sauce so I have leftovers, and cook more sausage than we need, reserving for later this week. The kids will not have any sausage, they only eat chicken, eggs and fish sticks. If one morsel of the sausage gets in their mouths they'll gag and cry. So they'll have plain pasta and use jarred tomato sauce bc mine is too full of "chunks" for their taste.
Wednesday - shredded bbq pork in the crockpot, cole slaw (for me - no one else will eat this), roasted potatoes. The kids will have something else, not sure what, but quick and not heavy bc Tate has softball. Will make extra pork, remove before adding sauce and freeze it.
Thursday - Sausage sandwiches using the leftover sausage, adding roasted onions, mushrooms and red peppers. I used these ingredients in my sauce earlier in the week and saved some to roast. Fresh rolls, with cheese for Kevin. Rest of the salad from Tuesday as the side. Breakfast for dinner for kids - eggs, toast, turkey bacon. Bailey can cook the breakfast mostly by herself and she will be happy I'm not crowding her bc I really only need to saute the veggies and toast the rolls for Kevin and I. She will, however, complain about the smell of the peppers and onions. Another softball night, so it's good this will take 20 minutes if that.
Friday - SOFTBALL AGAIN. Will feed kids before softball but Kevin and I will do a date-night-in when they go to bed. I have steak in the freezer, I will throw it on the grill with asparagus (if it's not too expensive at the store today - substitute is frozen green beans) and cook slices of leftover cooked potato from Wednesday. Reserve rest of steak for wraps during the weekend. Meal will take only a few minutes to prepare.
Almost every single time I make meat I think about how I can use it again for something different. Really, I do that with a lot of ingredients like fresh veggies, rice, pasta. I plan a broad menu plan each month, meaning I plan what meals we want to have based on sales and items we already have, but I don't plug it into a day of the week until each Monday morning beforehand. Weekends I don't plan, we have leftovers, eat out or eat quick things like grilled cheese and tomato soup.
So there it is - I filled my blog post goal for today of actually posting something, and avoided the emotional toll the other post was taking on me :) Win-win.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
things I write about
So basically this blog is about -
motherhood. all of it. the good, the bad, the ugly and the funny.
Bailey's Cystic Fibrosis and Taylor's SPD - their trials and their victories over these "special needs."
my marriage.
my faith.
my weight.
friendship.
couponing.
I think that's it, seriously. I am a part time social worker by profession and although I have lots of great stories, I don't feel comfortable sharing, even with fake names. It's a shame...also, I have a lot of great family stories but I think I would get in trouble. Like, deep, deep trouble. I wouldn't want my finer moments written down in a blog (even if only 5 people read it) so I get it. The older the girls get, the more I am starting to become mindful of this for them too.
So here, on this Monday morning, what do I have to write about. We had a delayed opening due to snow (which is so pretty, I am trying to see the positive in it). This past weekend was awesome, with lots of playing, great weather, great friends, good food, wonderful service at church, precious family time. I have nothing to complain about today (other than my back which is killing me, Bailey and I are seeing the chiro tonight thank goodness). I feel really, really blessed knowing I kissed my husband off to a job that supports us, my children off to a school where I know they are taught and loved. I know so many others today are hurting...and I am grievous that there is such pain in this world. It finds all of us, at different times, in different ways. Today is not my day for sorrow, and for that I am thankful.
I hope that you have a good day today. What do you want me to write about? If someone lets me know a topic, I will write on that.
xoxo
motherhood. all of it. the good, the bad, the ugly and the funny.
Bailey's Cystic Fibrosis and Taylor's SPD - their trials and their victories over these "special needs."
my marriage.
my faith.
my weight.
friendship.
couponing.
I think that's it, seriously. I am a part time social worker by profession and although I have lots of great stories, I don't feel comfortable sharing, even with fake names. It's a shame...also, I have a lot of great family stories but I think I would get in trouble. Like, deep, deep trouble. I wouldn't want my finer moments written down in a blog (even if only 5 people read it) so I get it. The older the girls get, the more I am starting to become mindful of this for them too.
So here, on this Monday morning, what do I have to write about. We had a delayed opening due to snow (which is so pretty, I am trying to see the positive in it). This past weekend was awesome, with lots of playing, great weather, great friends, good food, wonderful service at church, precious family time. I have nothing to complain about today (other than my back which is killing me, Bailey and I are seeing the chiro tonight thank goodness). I feel really, really blessed knowing I kissed my husband off to a job that supports us, my children off to a school where I know they are taught and loved. I know so many others today are hurting...and I am grievous that there is such pain in this world. It finds all of us, at different times, in different ways. Today is not my day for sorrow, and for that I am thankful.
I hope that you have a good day today. What do you want me to write about? If someone lets me know a topic, I will write on that.
xoxo
Friday, March 7, 2014
facing fears
What are you scared of?
I can list several things right off the top of my head. Losing my children is #1, by far. That really goes without saying. Sometimes, my mind wanders, and the nightmares that I know other people have experienced in this life renders me sick to my stomach and leaving me basically begging God to spare us that. Because of Bailey's CF, I think about this more than I'd like to. This past year I have joined a few CF facebook groups, for information and fellowship, but at times I wonder if I should leave the groups, as often there are postings about children, teens and adults who have lost their battle to CF. Yes, my biggest fear is living through the loss of either of the 2 best things that have ever happened to me. Losing Kevin too is a fear that makes me ill to think of it. He's my best friend, beloved husband, team mate, sweetheart. I will only be able to handle losing him if I myself am senile, and I wonder what happened to the nice old man that used to be my roommate?
I have far less serious fears too, relatively anyway. Fears like what if my girls move far away from me? What if they don't get along as adults? What if I can't handle having an empty nest and I actually do lose my mind? What if I can never lose this weight? What if we can't help the kids afford college and weddings? Will we ever not owe CHOP money, and will Bailey be able to always have affordable healthcare? What if Parenthood/Greys Anatomy/Law and Order/Modern Family goes off the air?
And the one that has been plaguing me as of late...what if I make the wrong choice.
I am really wondering about next steps. I feel like God has been showing me over and over that He has something else planned for me. But I don't know exactly what or how or when. It's scary! I think I know what I need to do, want to do, but I'm scared I'll make the wrong move and regret it.
God keeps showing me signs. He doesn't have to, but He is. I can just picture Him up there, thinking "oh for the love of myself, when will this girl get it?!" But I'm scared.
So in my quest to take on some life changes this year, I am going to try really hard to be less fearful. To not double check my parachute 5,000 times before jumping.
I can list several things right off the top of my head. Losing my children is #1, by far. That really goes without saying. Sometimes, my mind wanders, and the nightmares that I know other people have experienced in this life renders me sick to my stomach and leaving me basically begging God to spare us that. Because of Bailey's CF, I think about this more than I'd like to. This past year I have joined a few CF facebook groups, for information and fellowship, but at times I wonder if I should leave the groups, as often there are postings about children, teens and adults who have lost their battle to CF. Yes, my biggest fear is living through the loss of either of the 2 best things that have ever happened to me. Losing Kevin too is a fear that makes me ill to think of it. He's my best friend, beloved husband, team mate, sweetheart. I will only be able to handle losing him if I myself am senile, and I wonder what happened to the nice old man that used to be my roommate?
I have far less serious fears too, relatively anyway. Fears like what if my girls move far away from me? What if they don't get along as adults? What if I can't handle having an empty nest and I actually do lose my mind? What if I can never lose this weight? What if we can't help the kids afford college and weddings? Will we ever not owe CHOP money, and will Bailey be able to always have affordable healthcare? What if Parenthood/Greys Anatomy/Law and Order/Modern Family goes off the air?
And the one that has been plaguing me as of late...what if I make the wrong choice.
I am really wondering about next steps. I feel like God has been showing me over and over that He has something else planned for me. But I don't know exactly what or how or when. It's scary! I think I know what I need to do, want to do, but I'm scared I'll make the wrong move and regret it.
God keeps showing me signs. He doesn't have to, but He is. I can just picture Him up there, thinking "oh for the love of myself, when will this girl get it?!" But I'm scared.
So in my quest to take on some life changes this year, I am going to try really hard to be less fearful. To not double check my parachute 5,000 times before jumping.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
resolution rehash
So we are almost 2 years into 2014 and for the first time EVER I actually stuck (so far) to a few of my resolutions! Or goals, I should say. I am excited about one in particular that I want to share with you! But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Basically, in January I wanted to work on some things in my life, but I did a quick recap of how change has gone over in my past 34 years.
Not well.
So I figured that the only way change (and picture me whispering it like it's a bad word) would work for me was to take things one.small.thing.at.a.time. I broke things down into categories - spiritual, physical, emotional, relational. And decided that I would just really work on one little thing at a time, in one category at a time. I'd do something for a month, reevaluate, and then add another change.
In January, I swapped my coffee for tea. EPIC FAIL. I gave it a whole month, which I was really, really proud of myself for, because it was so hard. Not hard as in "I have a child with a genetic life-shortening disease" kind of hard - that is actually hard. But really, it was difficult!! I decided to do this, under the "physical" category, because although I take my tea black, I use sugar in my coffee. This was a decision that I felt bad about, every single day. I felt like it got my day off to a bad start.
You know what got my day off to a bad start? Giving up coffee. You know what else? It got everyone else's day off to a bad start! (Read - kids and man. I pretended for everyone else).
Kevin - "Brynn, how can you be in a bad mood at 7:30am? The day just started!"
Brynn - "**** off Kevin!!!"
No need for ANY comments about coffee vs tea. I posted about this on fb and the post blew up with comments and I just wasn't expecting that. No need for concern either - I have now happily switched back to coffee. My family practically threw me a party. With balloons and streamers.
But there was something we did in January that not only has stuck, I am so happy about it! I didn't internalize it as a "change" but it really is, and a big one. For YEARS, at least 10, Kevin and I have used a credit card to pay as many bills as we can, and then we pay it off every month. There were a few times over the years we couldn't, but for the most part we've had no credit card debt. We used it for everything. Groceries, gym membership, gas. Everything. The plus was we were earning money back, as our credit card gives 1% back and then quarterly 5% on selected things. But the downside was I KNEW we were spending too much. I knew that if we switched over to a cash budget, we'd save money, because really, the only way we were saving money was a few times a year if Kevin got a bonus, not on a monthly basis. All of our money was being spent each month. And over the past year I had started to feel convicted about it. But I wondered how to do it, as really, to switch over to a cash budget I had to have more cash at hand first. It's confusing but that's how it was, because we had a credit card bill to pay the next month AND need cash for groceries, gas, etc.
We were blessed in December with some additional income from Kevin's job. I knew it was time! I looked over bills from the past year, and made a budget. I wanted it to be realistic because if it was too tight, we'd go right back to the credit card. But if it was using every penny we had, then what's the point,
We have not only stuck to our budget over the last two months but we had enough to put some in the bank and also bought a new reclining couch and recliner chair for the playroom! I am thrilled. We have a set amount we use per month and then any extra at the end of the month will be a bonus. Sometimes it's been unpleasant...like it is right now, the end of the month. And last month I ended up selling a bunch of stuff from around the house to be able to go to the grocery store, as I had spent all of our grocery money already. (Darn you Whole Foods!) But seeing how our savings could add up over the year, and have some money to make some small home improvements, is a great feeling. Both Kevin and my income vary, sometimes widely, so I know some months we will just squeak by, even on a cash budget, while other months are more comfortable.
I wish I had done this many years ago, but for many, many years we were house poor. Using a credit card was just how we paid bills, that was our system. I stayed at home with the kids, making a few bucks babysitting or working in our church infant room. Kevin's job has been a blessing all of these years as he has provided for us, but it's sales...in a recession. We had particle board cabinets, people. And I was grateful for those cabinets. I was grateful for my cozy house....with furniture we bought 13 years ago that 2 kids, 3 cats and a dog put to DEATH. So it felt awesome to get a new couch and chair...oddly enough no one took the old ones by the curb...was it the fact that the chair was in 2 pieces with stuffing spilling out of it and the couch had multicolor stains and rips all over it?
Anyway, to recap, switching from coffee to tea SUCKS but using cash to buy stuff ROCKS.
How are you guys doing with any resolutions/goals? I'd love to hear a story of success or "this resolution is for the BIRDS someone pass me an oreo STAT."
Basically, in January I wanted to work on some things in my life, but I did a quick recap of how change has gone over in my past 34 years.
Not well.
So I figured that the only way change (and picture me whispering it like it's a bad word) would work for me was to take things one.small.thing.at.a.time. I broke things down into categories - spiritual, physical, emotional, relational. And decided that I would just really work on one little thing at a time, in one category at a time. I'd do something for a month, reevaluate, and then add another change.
In January, I swapped my coffee for tea. EPIC FAIL. I gave it a whole month, which I was really, really proud of myself for, because it was so hard. Not hard as in "I have a child with a genetic life-shortening disease" kind of hard - that is actually hard. But really, it was difficult!! I decided to do this, under the "physical" category, because although I take my tea black, I use sugar in my coffee. This was a decision that I felt bad about, every single day. I felt like it got my day off to a bad start.
You know what got my day off to a bad start? Giving up coffee. You know what else? It got everyone else's day off to a bad start! (Read - kids and man. I pretended for everyone else).
Kevin - "Brynn, how can you be in a bad mood at 7:30am? The day just started!"
Brynn - "**** off Kevin!!!"
No need for ANY comments about coffee vs tea. I posted about this on fb and the post blew up with comments and I just wasn't expecting that. No need for concern either - I have now happily switched back to coffee. My family practically threw me a party. With balloons and streamers.
But there was something we did in January that not only has stuck, I am so happy about it! I didn't internalize it as a "change" but it really is, and a big one. For YEARS, at least 10, Kevin and I have used a credit card to pay as many bills as we can, and then we pay it off every month. There were a few times over the years we couldn't, but for the most part we've had no credit card debt. We used it for everything. Groceries, gym membership, gas. Everything. The plus was we were earning money back, as our credit card gives 1% back and then quarterly 5% on selected things. But the downside was I KNEW we were spending too much. I knew that if we switched over to a cash budget, we'd save money, because really, the only way we were saving money was a few times a year if Kevin got a bonus, not on a monthly basis. All of our money was being spent each month. And over the past year I had started to feel convicted about it. But I wondered how to do it, as really, to switch over to a cash budget I had to have more cash at hand first. It's confusing but that's how it was, because we had a credit card bill to pay the next month AND need cash for groceries, gas, etc.
We were blessed in December with some additional income from Kevin's job. I knew it was time! I looked over bills from the past year, and made a budget. I wanted it to be realistic because if it was too tight, we'd go right back to the credit card. But if it was using every penny we had, then what's the point,
We have not only stuck to our budget over the last two months but we had enough to put some in the bank and also bought a new reclining couch and recliner chair for the playroom! I am thrilled. We have a set amount we use per month and then any extra at the end of the month will be a bonus. Sometimes it's been unpleasant...like it is right now, the end of the month. And last month I ended up selling a bunch of stuff from around the house to be able to go to the grocery store, as I had spent all of our grocery money already. (Darn you Whole Foods!) But seeing how our savings could add up over the year, and have some money to make some small home improvements, is a great feeling. Both Kevin and my income vary, sometimes widely, so I know some months we will just squeak by, even on a cash budget, while other months are more comfortable.
I wish I had done this many years ago, but for many, many years we were house poor. Using a credit card was just how we paid bills, that was our system. I stayed at home with the kids, making a few bucks babysitting or working in our church infant room. Kevin's job has been a blessing all of these years as he has provided for us, but it's sales...in a recession. We had particle board cabinets, people. And I was grateful for those cabinets. I was grateful for my cozy house....with furniture we bought 13 years ago that 2 kids, 3 cats and a dog put to DEATH. So it felt awesome to get a new couch and chair...oddly enough no one took the old ones by the curb...was it the fact that the chair was in 2 pieces with stuffing spilling out of it and the couch had multicolor stains and rips all over it?
Anyway, to recap, switching from coffee to tea SUCKS but using cash to buy stuff ROCKS.
How are you guys doing with any resolutions/goals? I'd love to hear a story of success or "this resolution is for the BIRDS someone pass me an oreo STAT."
Friday, February 21, 2014
an apology that goes nowhere
Sorry friends. I am really inconsistent with this blog. I could promise to update more often, but like my desire to cut out carbs, that will probably not happen any time soon. BUT I do hope life settles down for me in a few months - I have hope that it will and no, we're not farming out our kids elsewhere, they'll remain in my care until they marry and move across the street - what was I going to say I forget. Thinking about my kids ever moving out puts a fog across my brain.
So what have you guys been up to? Snow shoveling? Snowmen? Snowfights...you know the kind...where one kid gets another kid wet in the face and everyone comes inside crying? Never-ending laundry from wet snowsuits and a million outfit changes because the kids have been home it feels since CHRISTMAS? Managing sibling stress, managing your job, managing to keep your sanity?
Yeah me too. I don't know about you, but since Christmas I have felt one step behind. You'd think that with the extra snow days and time at home I'd feel ahead of the game. In fact, a teacher at my girls' school commented that she had nothing (said with great zeal) left to organize in her house after being trapped at home. My house now needs EXTRA organizing after these last 2 months! I wish we were buddies I could invite the Bored Teacher over for some organizing fun.
Oh well it's no matter really.
So what else...well Bailey had a check up a few weeks ago and got a great report! Despite having a cold her lung health is continuing to improve after The Great Decline of 2013. Aka hell. We are SO thankful, so very very thankful. The Great Decline deepened my appreciation of how healthy she has been all these years, and my desire to find ways to keep her healthy. So actually I became a Young Living Essential Oils distributor. I only became one to get our oils cheaper, but I have been thinking maybe I will try to share what I will learn with others and perhaps have a teeny tiny business out of it.
We'll see. That may fall under the heading "Just Like Cutting Out Carbs" and go nowhere also. But I DO follow through with some things, I do! I have maintained perfect attendance for every single episode of Parenthood. I faithfully show up for as many girls nights out as I can. I peruse facebook every.single.day. Just so you don't think I'm a slacker.
Ok kids, I'm committing to another blog entry next week. Should I write about the puberty movie I had to watch last night that Bailey will see at school in a few months? I had to take notes. And I will now need therapy. (Can someone please freeze time so I don't have to face this stuff?) Or should I write what I think about Selena's rehab? (spoiler - I don't believe it and I wish I could invite her for dinner but for some reason she didn't give me her cell number). How about I tell you that I have returned to couponing and for my grocery bill yesterday I saved over $100 and spent $87, plus getting $15 in coupons to use next week? Well I just told you the whole thing so that's out. Hmmm...what else can I talk about...
I'll think of something and meet you back here next week. xoxo
So what have you guys been up to? Snow shoveling? Snowmen? Snowfights...you know the kind...where one kid gets another kid wet in the face and everyone comes inside crying? Never-ending laundry from wet snowsuits and a million outfit changes because the kids have been home it feels since CHRISTMAS? Managing sibling stress, managing your job, managing to keep your sanity?
Yeah me too. I don't know about you, but since Christmas I have felt one step behind. You'd think that with the extra snow days and time at home I'd feel ahead of the game. In fact, a teacher at my girls' school commented that she had nothing (said with great zeal) left to organize in her house after being trapped at home. My house now needs EXTRA organizing after these last 2 months! I wish we were buddies I could invite the Bored Teacher over for some organizing fun.
Oh well it's no matter really.
So what else...well Bailey had a check up a few weeks ago and got a great report! Despite having a cold her lung health is continuing to improve after The Great Decline of 2013. Aka hell. We are SO thankful, so very very thankful. The Great Decline deepened my appreciation of how healthy she has been all these years, and my desire to find ways to keep her healthy. So actually I became a Young Living Essential Oils distributor. I only became one to get our oils cheaper, but I have been thinking maybe I will try to share what I will learn with others and perhaps have a teeny tiny business out of it.
We'll see. That may fall under the heading "Just Like Cutting Out Carbs" and go nowhere also. But I DO follow through with some things, I do! I have maintained perfect attendance for every single episode of Parenthood. I faithfully show up for as many girls nights out as I can. I peruse facebook every.single.day. Just so you don't think I'm a slacker.
Ok kids, I'm committing to another blog entry next week. Should I write about the puberty movie I had to watch last night that Bailey will see at school in a few months? I had to take notes. And I will now need therapy. (Can someone please freeze time so I don't have to face this stuff?) Or should I write what I think about Selena's rehab? (spoiler - I don't believe it and I wish I could invite her for dinner but for some reason she didn't give me her cell number). How about I tell you that I have returned to couponing and for my grocery bill yesterday I saved over $100 and spent $87, plus getting $15 in coupons to use next week? Well I just told you the whole thing so that's out. Hmmm...what else can I talk about...
I'll think of something and meet you back here next week. xoxo
Thursday, January 9, 2014
all over the place
Yesterday, in the same day, I was happy and sad.
I think that happens to many of us women. Our emotions are all over the place sometimes. A rollercoaster.
Earlier in the day I held my baby nephew and remembered things about my own girls' infancies. The good and the bad. It was bittersweet. Holding my nephew, my godson, is a precious, precious gift. And yet sometimes it can hurt. I can't turn back time, ever, and hold my own babies again. I can't ever hold the one I lost. I think I will feel this way until the day I die...loving where I am in the moment, but conscious that another moment will never come again.
I just lost you. I'm a nutjob.
Anyway, after school the girls had dental check ups. It went so great! As I sat by myself in the waiting room I flash-backed to earlier checkups with Taylor, when I had to basically restrain her as she laid on top of me for the five minutes it took the dentist to check her mouth.
please.hurry.for.the.love.of.God.I.can.only.hold.her.back.for.so.long.
She was always stronger than me even as a young babe.
So I felt content. I thought to myself, "see self, it's not so bad having older kids."
Then we went to Chick Fil A, as is our tradition after dental appointments. What...you don't let your kids eat crap after getting their teeth cleaned?
It was crowded with other bad mamas (that is a JOKE) and the playroom was full. All of a sudden I realized Bailey was really too big to go in there. Probably Taylor too. We went back to wash our hands first and I prepped the girls. See, Bailey is really a youthful child. She would gladly still play in the CFA playroom. She is in no rush to grow up and in fact, gets sad about it. I told them they are big girls, probably too big for that playroom. Bailey said it was just like the Shop Rite playroom, when you get big you can't go in there but she wishes she could. Taylor just listened. Then we checked their height on the playroom door, Tate was a smidge under but Bailey was SO over the limit. She took it in stride. My heart burst with sadness that this part of our little life was over, and also pride over my girls standing there, hugging each other, because Taylor said then she wouldn't play either. They walked, arms around each other, to a nearby table and we decided on what to get for dinner.
So I had this weird all-over-the-place kind of thing going on. For years when the girls were little we would come to CFA to meet friends...the kids would play the moms would talk and laugh, interrupted every other minute by our children needing our help. I look at those tables that are outside the playroom and I can just see it. All those memories. They are not very important memories in the scheme of things, but it was just part of our stay-at-home little life we had for awhile. Me and the girls. Going to the library, Barnes and Noble and Borders story times, Mommy and Me swim, going to the playground and to friends houses. I see these memories all the time, and it's bittersweet. I drive by a playground that's "too little" so we don't go there anymore and I get a lump in my throat. I remember packing lunches and sitting under the tree. I remember swinging Taylor on my lap and I remember Bailey "catching" her sister come down the slide.
I cry just writing this. I'm a mess, people. So you think I haven't forgotten all the tough moments of having littles, I really haven't. I remember spending long amounts of time with Taylor in bathrooms because she couldn't talk all the *whatever* of wherever we were. I remember pawning Bailey off to other moms at the library story time bc Taylor didn't like it and I had to chase her around the library, the whole time worried that Bailey would think Taylor got more attention than she did, and resentful I couldn't be like all the other moms with both kids on my lap acting normal. I remember the many, many times we couldn't go out to these places because either Bailey was so constipated she wouldn't get off the couch, her little toes curled in distress, or because Taylor was just too not-into-it. I remember that. But it doesn't matter. All the good, all the fun, all the precious, that's what matters to me now. The bad just makes it that much sweeter, because we got through it. (We're still getting through it, note to self. Girls aren't grown yet!) I've written about this topic before, and I will again, because for some reason, this kids-growing-up-and-it-feels-growing-away thing really affects me.
But you know what - I really was so proud of my big girls. Because they're growing up they handled it so well. And they were rewarded, because after they ate, the playroom was empty and they played for a few minutes. Taylor went first, and Bailey and I sat at the table together. Bailey mentioned a few things about growing older that is good.
I told her the best is yet to come, even if maybe I don't totally believe it.
I think that happens to many of us women. Our emotions are all over the place sometimes. A rollercoaster.
Earlier in the day I held my baby nephew and remembered things about my own girls' infancies. The good and the bad. It was bittersweet. Holding my nephew, my godson, is a precious, precious gift. And yet sometimes it can hurt. I can't turn back time, ever, and hold my own babies again. I can't ever hold the one I lost. I think I will feel this way until the day I die...loving where I am in the moment, but conscious that another moment will never come again.
I just lost you. I'm a nutjob.
Anyway, after school the girls had dental check ups. It went so great! As I sat by myself in the waiting room I flash-backed to earlier checkups with Taylor, when I had to basically restrain her as she laid on top of me for the five minutes it took the dentist to check her mouth.
please.hurry.for.the.love.of.God.I.can.only.hold.her.back.for.so.long.
She was always stronger than me even as a young babe.
So I felt content. I thought to myself, "see self, it's not so bad having older kids."
Then we went to Chick Fil A, as is our tradition after dental appointments. What...you don't let your kids eat crap after getting their teeth cleaned?
It was crowded with other bad mamas (that is a JOKE) and the playroom was full. All of a sudden I realized Bailey was really too big to go in there. Probably Taylor too. We went back to wash our hands first and I prepped the girls. See, Bailey is really a youthful child. She would gladly still play in the CFA playroom. She is in no rush to grow up and in fact, gets sad about it. I told them they are big girls, probably too big for that playroom. Bailey said it was just like the Shop Rite playroom, when you get big you can't go in there but she wishes she could. Taylor just listened. Then we checked their height on the playroom door, Tate was a smidge under but Bailey was SO over the limit. She took it in stride. My heart burst with sadness that this part of our little life was over, and also pride over my girls standing there, hugging each other, because Taylor said then she wouldn't play either. They walked, arms around each other, to a nearby table and we decided on what to get for dinner.
So I had this weird all-over-the-place kind of thing going on. For years when the girls were little we would come to CFA to meet friends...the kids would play the moms would talk and laugh, interrupted every other minute by our children needing our help. I look at those tables that are outside the playroom and I can just see it. All those memories. They are not very important memories in the scheme of things, but it was just part of our stay-at-home little life we had for awhile. Me and the girls. Going to the library, Barnes and Noble and Borders story times, Mommy and Me swim, going to the playground and to friends houses. I see these memories all the time, and it's bittersweet. I drive by a playground that's "too little" so we don't go there anymore and I get a lump in my throat. I remember packing lunches and sitting under the tree. I remember swinging Taylor on my lap and I remember Bailey "catching" her sister come down the slide.
I cry just writing this. I'm a mess, people. So you think I haven't forgotten all the tough moments of having littles, I really haven't. I remember spending long amounts of time with Taylor in bathrooms because she couldn't talk all the *whatever* of wherever we were. I remember pawning Bailey off to other moms at the library story time bc Taylor didn't like it and I had to chase her around the library, the whole time worried that Bailey would think Taylor got more attention than she did, and resentful I couldn't be like all the other moms with both kids on my lap acting normal. I remember the many, many times we couldn't go out to these places because either Bailey was so constipated she wouldn't get off the couch, her little toes curled in distress, or because Taylor was just too not-into-it. I remember that. But it doesn't matter. All the good, all the fun, all the precious, that's what matters to me now. The bad just makes it that much sweeter, because we got through it. (We're still getting through it, note to self. Girls aren't grown yet!) I've written about this topic before, and I will again, because for some reason, this kids-growing-up-and-it-feels-growing-away thing really affects me.
But you know what - I really was so proud of my big girls. Because they're growing up they handled it so well. And they were rewarded, because after they ate, the playroom was empty and they played for a few minutes. Taylor went first, and Bailey and I sat at the table together. Bailey mentioned a few things about growing older that is good.
I told her the best is yet to come, even if maybe I don't totally believe it.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
change
In the scheme of things, this is a very, very minute detail in my life, but here it is.
I am switching from coffee to tea.
Not to say I won't enjoy a hot coffee with friends at a coffeehouse, or with my mom when she sleeps over and we both get up early. But in my normal daily life, I am giving it up. I add cream and sugar to my coffee, while I take tea black or with a bit of local honey. I think the cream and sugar is a bad way to start my day, and only leads me towards more bad choices.
I have a very hard time giving things up. Even when it's not working for me. I don't know why I struggle so much with some things that are so easy for others. Like losing 5 lbs. I am so addicted to temporal things.
Every day of every week of every month of every year I think about my weight. If you have read past blog posts on this subject, I have been pretty open with that area in my life. I am open because I know I'm not the only one. My dream job, since I was a teenager, would be working with people who are very obese, because in my mind there's not much difference between 225lbs and 525lbs. It's excess, it's a stronghold, it's a burden. And I get it, and I want to help. But all these years later, I still haven't been able to help myself.
Something happens in the mind, I can not explain it to someone who doesn't have an addiction, but if you do, you understand. You KNOW what you should and shouldn't do. And yet when that - for lack of a better word - urge, comes over you, you indulge it. "It" doesn't matter if it's a bagel or a cigarette or a drink. You want it so much that all of the reasons to not have it, do not bear enough importance. "It" causes damage, to the body, spirit and mind. For me, my addiction to food makes me feel like a horrible person, and I know I'm not. But that's how it makes me feel.
So because years have gone by and I've only been successful with losing weight a few times, I'm over it. I'm over thinking about it, obsessing, counting, crying. I'm over it. I have to start so small, and not think about anything else but that one small thing. Then maybe I can add one more small thing. I'm not making any resolutions, because I never sustain them. In 2014 I want health - physical, mental, spiritual. I want health for me and for my family. And making changes makes me overwhelmed, for I fear failure like it was a rabid beast. So I'm starting really, really small.
One small thing. Coffee to tea.
I am switching from coffee to tea.
Not to say I won't enjoy a hot coffee with friends at a coffeehouse, or with my mom when she sleeps over and we both get up early. But in my normal daily life, I am giving it up. I add cream and sugar to my coffee, while I take tea black or with a bit of local honey. I think the cream and sugar is a bad way to start my day, and only leads me towards more bad choices.
I have a very hard time giving things up. Even when it's not working for me. I don't know why I struggle so much with some things that are so easy for others. Like losing 5 lbs. I am so addicted to temporal things.
Every day of every week of every month of every year I think about my weight. If you have read past blog posts on this subject, I have been pretty open with that area in my life. I am open because I know I'm not the only one. My dream job, since I was a teenager, would be working with people who are very obese, because in my mind there's not much difference between 225lbs and 525lbs. It's excess, it's a stronghold, it's a burden. And I get it, and I want to help. But all these years later, I still haven't been able to help myself.
Something happens in the mind, I can not explain it to someone who doesn't have an addiction, but if you do, you understand. You KNOW what you should and shouldn't do. And yet when that - for lack of a better word - urge, comes over you, you indulge it. "It" doesn't matter if it's a bagel or a cigarette or a drink. You want it so much that all of the reasons to not have it, do not bear enough importance. "It" causes damage, to the body, spirit and mind. For me, my addiction to food makes me feel like a horrible person, and I know I'm not. But that's how it makes me feel.
So because years have gone by and I've only been successful with losing weight a few times, I'm over it. I'm over thinking about it, obsessing, counting, crying. I'm over it. I have to start so small, and not think about anything else but that one small thing. Then maybe I can add one more small thing. I'm not making any resolutions, because I never sustain them. In 2014 I want health - physical, mental, spiritual. I want health for me and for my family. And making changes makes me overwhelmed, for I fear failure like it was a rabid beast. So I'm starting really, really small.
One small thing. Coffee to tea.
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