Thursday, December 8, 2011

Spanx Me

My brother-in-law is getting married 2 days after Christmas, to his girl of 4 years who I LOVE.  I am so happy about this upcoming wedding!  My girls are going to be the flower girls, Kevin is best man and they have asked me to do a reading.  That means people are going to be looking at me.  Which means, I need to wear Spanx under my dress.

I found a dress I love, and it was a real treat because it's a size 14W (the W is for Womens not Wide, like I thought for years...but really, you say tomata, I say tomato) - and I am not a 14.  More like a 16.  No, an 18.  Why not just tell it like it is, it's like being pregnant, you can't hide it.

Unless you're like one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" women on that TLC show.  How do you NOT know you're pregnant until you're popping out a kid on a toilet?!  But I digress.

So anyway, I found this beautiful dress.  God blessed me, because I tried on a ton of dresses that either made me look like a tent or I couldn't zip it up.  I had been trying on dresses in the "regular" section, but then had to bite my pride, and ask a salesgirl if they had a womens section (Macy's).  She started to say they didn't have one, and another salesgirl butted in and said that they did, but it was small and all the way at the back of the store by the bathrooms.

That walk, through the 2nd floor of Macy's, was long.  I was with my mom, and couldn't look at her for fear I would cry.  Why are the fatties banned to the back of the store?  Once we were there, there was a dismal selection of black, brown and blue dresses.  It was like they were saying, "You are allowed to go to a funeral, but no fun for you.  There is no such thing as a fat girl getting a dress to go somewhere fun. Who do you think you are?"  So I walked around the few racks, and hidden in one was this champagne colored dress with some beading around the middle and a little jacket, 3 quarter sleeves...I loved it.  No others like it and a size 14...but I thought, I'll just see what it looks like and maybe I can find it at another store.

It fit, my mom and I were almost jumping up and down.

So fast forward to last weekend, I head back to the mall, this time to Boscov's where I had heard their store brand of Spanx was less expensive and fit better.  Because, dear friends, the last time I wore a Spanx I got a horrible rash where the fabric cut into me, and I might have torn the crotch trying to take it off.

No not might have.  I tore the crotch.

I needed a new one also because with this dress I had to get the kind that had a strapless bra built in.  So I start looking at them (the kind that has the bra and then goes all the way to mid thigh - it's a little scary), and realize that they're only giving the bra size...I was expecting to see L, XL, etc.  So I choose my bra size and then head back, looking at this garment and wondering how on earth how it is a "one size fits all" kind of situation.

I undress, which is never pleasant...things always look worse in a department store dressing room.  When will they learn that women will buy more if their lighting was better?!  I suck in my breath, and start in.  It took considerable maneuvering, some swearing, a prayer and I was panting by the time that thing was on.  But it does the job, and I admire how my thighs are missing a few of their regular ripples, and my stomach is smoother.  Ok I'll buy it.

Wait, ohmygoodness.  How am I going to get this thing off?  What if I rip it?  I stand there for a minute, not knowing what my next move should be.  Should I start from the top, and just slowly roll it down?  Yes, that's smart, go slow.  My mom starts to ask if I'm ok in there, do I need help?  Help would be good Ma, just go ahead and trim about 50 pounds off my stomach and my ass so I don't have to be sweating bullets in a Boscov's lady's dressing room where no less than 20 women over the age of 70 have come in and gone, trying on their bosom holders and slips...wondering how and if I'm ever going to remove what has become a second skin off of me.

The end of this story is that I did in fact get out of the generic-brand-Spanx, and it is now hanging in my closet, laughing at me until the wedding.  I hear it, late at night, taunting me.  A best friend/worst enemy kind of situation.

I will add this to my list of Top Ten things that scare the living daylights out of me.  Wondering if I had to be cut out of a Spanx in a dressing room.


  1. I can just picture the dressing room with the dismal lighting. So glad you found a dress. When I think about the clothes I lost in the fire I get so angry, not because I care about the clothes, but the time I spent shopping and TRYING THEM ON! My wardrobe was small, but I could go to anything...except a wedding.

    Paul has a Christmas party at work next Friday and I don't have anything to wear. I do not shop without Torey and we've only gone on one mission and didn't really come up with anything. I had a lovely black wrap dress from J. Crew and some dressy black boots that would have been perfect. (The dress with pumps was also my funeral go had 3/4 sleeves so I could wear it year round except for wicked hot days.)

    Sorry for the novella, I'm so happy you found something pretty.

  2. You are hysterical, Brynn! I think you should write a book. Seriously.

  3. WooHoo!
    I am so happy you found something that you feel great in and I am so happy that you are new auntie and will have a sister too!
    Much Love!

  4. When I get ready to put on my Spanx, I lock the bedroom door and NO ONE is allowed in until the deed is done. I have the full-on Spanx and I have the Spanx made for Target. Get ready for this, the more expensive (model) is worth the money because of the woo-hoo region. Without getting too graphic, you don't have to take off the Spanx (because really - how can you) to go to the bathroom. The Target Spanx isn't like that. Just FYI for the wedding.

  5. Thanks for the love girls! Oooh but maybe Anonymous is a boy?! Nah, def a girl :)

    Jennifer, my Boscovs brand has a nice size cut out in the crotch. Seems like it will give me ample room to pee, but if I have my way, I am not drinking anything all day in the hope I can hold it :) Alison, I am SO sad you lost a perfect-for-any-occasion dress!! That stinks!!

  6. Brynn, I hate to burst your bubble but at some time during the entire wedding day you are probably going to have to pee. Use the crotch cut-out. And then, when you get home, wash them on high temp. Yeah, that about sums it up.

  7. haha yeah you are right :) I have the feeling some calisthenics are going to be involved. And possibly more swearing.