I have been in a weird place. There are moments I have such joy, and moments I have such pain. I'm not depressed - I'm fully functional and really, I do have happiness in my life. But I am weary. I find so many of my commitments draining. I feel very far from God, which makes me deeply sad. And looking for Him adds to my weariness. And I have realized that so much of my problem is rooted in this - I am missing hope. I have joy, I have love - my husband, girls, family and friends add such true life. I am not hope-less, but a foundation of hope is not where it was. And I want it back.
As I write, I am in Ocean City taking the night "off." My mom is at a wedding so I came down with her to keep her company in the room, which is beautiful. Right on the beach, right in the middle of the Jersey Shore life. Wonderful weather and being here feels good. But being alone forces me to think, which feels weird. I don't like to think by myself too much these days, because I cry easily and I am sick of crying. I'm a crier and so I am used to tears, but a heartsick kind of crying is different, and it feels awful. It feels awful because there's no resolution to the heartache, I just miss my baby terribly and there's nothing I can do about it.
I am grateful for all I have. I can't say it enough. And I am grateful for this time with my mom, whom I adore. You should see her, all dressed up in a cute orange dress with cute orange strappy shoes. She's awesome. But still, even in my gratitude, even in my moments of joy that I have every day with people that I love so much, I am weary and missing hope.
So I am hoping for hope. Does that make any sense?