Kevin's out. Girls are asleep. Ice cream has been eaten and I look at this computer screen through a fog of tears. Feeling very alone.
I don't for a second think "Why me?" about losing my baby. So many women go through that, and much, much worse. So much worse that I can't even wrap my brain around it, let alone my heart.
But this loss has awakened in me a lot of questions, and I don't like it. I loved having a faith that just was. I didn't know the answers and I didn't have to. Questions like, why do millions of children go hungry in this world when there is food to eat? It must be awful to be a child and literally starve to death. Whereas before I would think, people are not acting, it's not God it's people -- now I think, ok, I still think that, but how does God hear the cries of starving children and not answer? And yet a further argument ensues in my head - how would He answer, just throw a loaf of bread down to the child? But here's another one - how did God pick and choose who fell to their death on 9/11, and who was miraculously spared from getting on that ill-fated plane? Can you imagine being a family member of a victim they never even found, so there was only your imagination to wonder what happened to your precious loved one, and hearing someone be interviewed and say, "God had plans for me, He saved my life!" How does God decide which child he will spare and which He will bring home? Is it favor? Some people have an "in" with God and some don't? Is it past generational sin, and we are just fated to a destiny that was of our ancestors making? How does free will work, when we still pray to God to intervene? A drunk man can hit someone, that person dies, and it was free will of the drunk man that led to death. But another drunk hits someone, who doesn't die, but is in a coma. The family prays, begs. The person lives and God is given the glory. Miracle. How does it work? Is the second family favored? Did God just relent, and go, "Ok, you prayed well enough. Here you go, you're welcome." Or....Does the second person have a purpose left for this world but the first had fulfilled his? Even as I write this, I am thinking, yup that's the answer...but it's still not giving me peace. Please forgive my irreverence. I hate that I am asking these questions. But God knows my heart, so what's the point of hiding it?
Believe me, I am unhappy about this. I LOVE believing in God. Believing in His goodness and kindness. His love that is unworldly. A love that we can't begin to understand. And that is what I am hoping will give me peace - that His love is just so amazing we can NOT UNDERSTAND IT. Any part of it. But that knowledge is not giving me peace, at least not yet. I'm in pain. Not just because of my lost baby, or the questions of the world that I'll never have the answers to. I miss Him. I miss feeling protected and wanted. Loved. I feel abandoned and lost, and I don't know why. Maybe this is just something God's letting me go through to make me stronger.
Such blessings I have in my life. Everyday. I am blessed everyday. Please don't confuse my words. I know what a wonderful life I have. But this is my blog, and this is something I am working through, and I am just being honest.
This is what I want to have happen. God, are you listening? I want to believe. I want to believe so deeply that I truly do give praise in the storm. I am not giving praise in this storm, God, and I want to!! I want to know you have a purpose for me, for my family that is good and not death! I want to feel you beside me, holding me up, not watching me as I fall. I just don't understand Lord. And I know I will never know why you gave to take away...but I want to feel peace in not knowing. Please help me.