Sunday, January 23, 2011

Bailey part 2

Just an update to let you know that Bailey is doing better, thank you for thinking of her.  Fever is down, no more vomiting even after a few bites of food and drink, sore throat not as bad, and her spirit is a bit improved.  She is sleeping right now, at not quite 4pm, which means I don't know how she'll sleep tonight but when you're sick, you sleep when you need.  

As I carried her into my bedroom which is where she wanted to nap, I looked into the mirror of this girl I was carrying, gangly legs dangling, and I had a flashback.  When she was a baby and we lived in a condo, her bedroom was right across the hall from our bathroom.  Every time I exited her room, I would see the mirror reflection of me carrying her, nestled into my arms.  It would fill me with pride (when I wasn't focused on how god-awful I looked) that I had this little baby, I was home and caring for her.  By the time we moved and she was 8 months old, I remember seeing the reflection of carrying her on my hip, not nestled in my arms.   Now, it's hard carrying her at all, though she loves it.   So when I can and it's not unseemly - like in public - I will carry her once in awhile back to her room.  How long until I can't do that, or of course she doesn't want me to?

Yesterday as I was leaving to meet my fave fake sister-in-law for some shopping, I said good-bye to the girls.  We have a tradition that when anyone leaves - even to run to the 7-11 - we all stand at the window and wave.  At times it's annoying frankly, having the window rolled down in 20 degree weather, waving and yelling, "Love you!  kisses!  bye!  be back soon!"  But most of the time it makes me feel very loved and I want my girls to feel so also.   Well, saying good-bye yesterday, Bailey says, "Mom, I don't know if I'm going to wave, I'm a bit busy here."  She was coloring and watching a movie.  I said "of course, I love you, bye!" and gave a kiss.  Backing out of the driveway I see Sissy (Taylor) waving and blowing kisses - and then I see Bailey, who did come to the window after all.

My girls are growing up too fast.  Did I bring it on myself - all those days when they were little and I felt at the end of my rope, longing for them to be a bit more independent?  Thinking I could not POSSIBLY go to the bathroom one more time with a child literally sitting on my lap and another on my feet?  I have the bathroom to myself most of the time now...well - ok I enjoy that part.  But I miss their chubby hands clinging to my neck, thinking I hung the moon.  I can feel we're in a sort of transition - they are not those little ones anymore, especially Bailey, yet they still depend on me and I feel wanted and needed.  But unlike those early years where I couldn't imagine ever having my sanity back, I can see now how soon it will be until I am the one asking them to please sit on the floor with me and stay a while.

Now I depressed myself and feel like crying.  Someone pass me a baby.  I meant tissue.

No, we are not going to have any more, unless God blesses us somehow.  I'm not too old yet, and one never knows until the gates are shut, you know what I mean?  But we know our limitations so 2 children is a good fit for us.  We want them to receive as much of us as they need, especially with their special needs, and there's only so much of us to go around.  Not to mention it's nice to still have time for each other, and the things we like to do.

I have said before, i write as I talk.  Here I just wanted to let you know how Bailey was feeling and now you know our reproductive plans.

I think I am going to go clean the girls' rooms, because even though they're old enough to do it themselves (although I say that very loosely, as their definition of clean is not nearly what mine is) isn't it nice when someone does it for you?

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