Kevin and I are in a small group comprised of several friends from church. We meet once a month and are currently studying the book, The Five Love Languages. Saturday evening it was our turn to host the group in our home. We have dinner first, and then go over a few chapters.
Well, as any woman knows, entertaining in your home means going on a cleaning blitz. Because Kevin is a good man, and he knew I was doing all of the shopping and cooking for what we were contributing to dinner, he helped me clean Saturday afternoon. At one point, he was vacuuming and I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom. The girls had been in and out of the house all afternoon, playing in the back yard because it was a nice day. The vacuum shut off, and I hear Taylor singing in her room. Something inside of me told me Bailey wasn't with her, because currently the bane of Bailey's existence is listening to her sister sing.
I go to Tate's room and ask, "where's Bailey?" Taylor said she didn't know. I start calling for Bailey, to no answer. Kevin starts calling. Our cries for her become more loud and desperate once we realize she's not outside either. Throughout the house we're screaming for her, yelling to come out RIGHT NOW. I was so scared she had gone outside, even though she knows she's not allowed out by herself. My mind immediately jumped to the whole "it only takes a second" and my heart felt like a million pounds in my chest.
Within a few minutes, we did find her - in the downstairs bathroom. I had forgotten that I asked her to clean it!! The fan in that tiny room is so loud that if the door is shut, you can't hear a thing. It startled her so much when I threw the door open and squeezed her to me, and I was so thankful she was safe.
I know I sound like a nutjob, and I know I felt like one. But that is one of my worst fears, if not my worst - that something evil will befall my daughters. I don't know how I would live if something like that happened, someone evil taking my girl.
Thank you God, that You protect us each day.
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
sick mommy
The last few days I haven't felt 100% myself. I can always tell when something's not right when I don't drink my beloved cup of joe in the morning. When I'm sick, just the thought of it makes my stomach churn.
Last night, I really hit a wall. Thankfully, Kevin and I had celebrated Valentine's the evening before, because the only thing we had really planned together - watching Parenthood, our fave show - I fell asleep 10 minutes in. I usually don't go to sleep until midnight-ish. I woke in the middle of the night, stomach sick for a few hours. Today I felt so flu-ish, and I slept on and off the entire day.
Several times, I wondered how I made it through all of the times I was home with 2 little ones to care for, while feeling like a bus ran me over. Kevin is in sales, so time is money, and I only remember one day in the past 8 years that he took off a day from work to help me bc I was sick. I remember that day, because it was the one time ever he packed the girls their snacks for pre-k and he switched their bags by accident and Tate STILL remembers it. I'm not kidding. Thankfully, a few other times my mom came over to help me - and she'd usually catch whatever I was sick with, which of course I usually caught from the kids. You can wash your hands until they bleed, but when you have sick kids coughing and sneezing in your face or vomiting as you try to catch it in your hands...you will probably catch it. Anyway, I loved having my mom take care of me...she would rub my back and sing me lullies, make me soup, even try to have the girls stay away from me and be quiet around my room (to which the girls would cry more, but she tried!)
So today, I remembered those days and I was so grateful that Kevin could help the girls get ready, do B's treatment and put them on the bus this morning (I hobbled out to pack their bookbags - the man can only take so much). I took a hot bath and stayed in bed until 30 minutes before they got home. They are out of the home for 7 hours - a length of time that some days makes me feel sad...but today I felt nothing but thankful. I was supposed to work today but I was covered there too, so I could truly rest today, not worry that I was letting anyone down.
There's pluses and minuses I think, to my kids getting older. Today was one big fat plus.
Last night, I really hit a wall. Thankfully, Kevin and I had celebrated Valentine's the evening before, because the only thing we had really planned together - watching Parenthood, our fave show - I fell asleep 10 minutes in. I usually don't go to sleep until midnight-ish. I woke in the middle of the night, stomach sick for a few hours. Today I felt so flu-ish, and I slept on and off the entire day.
Several times, I wondered how I made it through all of the times I was home with 2 little ones to care for, while feeling like a bus ran me over. Kevin is in sales, so time is money, and I only remember one day in the past 8 years that he took off a day from work to help me bc I was sick. I remember that day, because it was the one time ever he packed the girls their snacks for pre-k and he switched their bags by accident and Tate STILL remembers it. I'm not kidding. Thankfully, a few other times my mom came over to help me - and she'd usually catch whatever I was sick with, which of course I usually caught from the kids. You can wash your hands until they bleed, but when you have sick kids coughing and sneezing in your face or vomiting as you try to catch it in your hands...you will probably catch it. Anyway, I loved having my mom take care of me...she would rub my back and sing me lullies, make me soup, even try to have the girls stay away from me and be quiet around my room (to which the girls would cry more, but she tried!)
So today, I remembered those days and I was so grateful that Kevin could help the girls get ready, do B's treatment and put them on the bus this morning (I hobbled out to pack their bookbags - the man can only take so much). I took a hot bath and stayed in bed until 30 minutes before they got home. They are out of the home for 7 hours - a length of time that some days makes me feel sad...but today I felt nothing but thankful. I was supposed to work today but I was covered there too, so I could truly rest today, not worry that I was letting anyone down.
There's pluses and minuses I think, to my kids getting older. Today was one big fat plus.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I'm sorry, so sorry...
Tonight I took the girls to our town's library, after their art class. I'm actually really into our new routine, as their art class is right around the corner from the library so I think it will encourage us to go weekly. Every time we do, I'm reminded of how much I love spending time among the books, students, kids corner...and they have a couponing basket!!
Anyway, as we walked in tonight, I heard a child humming loudly. I didn't see him at first, just heard him. Within 5 seconds, I realized it was an autism-type of hum. I walked my children across the room to the bathroom - I was thankful that in the car I told them once we got to the library we had to wash our hands from the art class. Once we were in the bathroom, I reminded them that some children can't help the things they do, and this little boy might hum a lot while we were there and I wanted them to say a prayer for him in their heads, but to not say anything to him about his humming. Bailey is always a shoe-in for the kid-who-won't-embarrass-me, but Tatie Tot's a loose cannon. She has gotten SO much better, but I was unsure if she came nose to nose with the humming boy, that her questions, complaints or concerns might come spilling out.
We were there about 45 minutes, and what bothered me wasn't the boy's humming...it was his mom. His beautiful mom, there with her son and her other child, a daughter about 7. Her son looked about 5. She must have said "I'm sorry" about 50 times. What touched me so much was that her apologies were in front of her daughter, that made my heart break. She had nothing to be sorry for! She took her children to the LIBRARY...not an expensive restaurant. Just because her son has a special need, she shouldn't go places? Or she deserves to be there any less? AND...her son seemed to have a serious special need, but perhaps he knows what she's saying too.
I am so happy to say, that not only was Taylor - both my girls - on their best behavior, but it wasn't so long ago, that a noise like the humming would have prevented Taylor from enjoying the library at all. A year ago, definitely 2 years ago, I would have had to bribe Bailey with something, and had to leave, carrying a screaming Tatie in my arms. I am so thankful, that a trip to the library was so enjoyable for my girls and I. I did not say, 'I'm sorry' once.
It wasn't so long ago I was saying a lot of apologies. In front of my children. I apologized when Taylor held her ears during dance class because she hated the tapping noise. I apologized when she screamed at the Applebee's because the family at the next table ordered fajitas and she hated the smell and the smoke. I apologized to the checkout girl at the grocery store, as I balanced a mad Tatie on my hip as I threw foods that she hated to look at on the belt. I apologized to family, friends, teachers. Why was I sorry?
This woman tonight, she left the library skipping. Literally. Her son didn't want to leave, his humming became even louder and he was trying to fall to the floor and she half carried him skipping out the door, trying to get him to skip. How exhausted is this mom. I desperately wanted to approach her, but I get so nervous about doing that. It brings tears to me now, thinking of my missed opportunity, of my fear.
That should be what I'm sorry about. For not telling this mom she had nothing to be sorry for.
Anyway, as we walked in tonight, I heard a child humming loudly. I didn't see him at first, just heard him. Within 5 seconds, I realized it was an autism-type of hum. I walked my children across the room to the bathroom - I was thankful that in the car I told them once we got to the library we had to wash our hands from the art class. Once we were in the bathroom, I reminded them that some children can't help the things they do, and this little boy might hum a lot while we were there and I wanted them to say a prayer for him in their heads, but to not say anything to him about his humming. Bailey is always a shoe-in for the kid-who-won't-embarrass-me, but Tatie Tot's a loose cannon. She has gotten SO much better, but I was unsure if she came nose to nose with the humming boy, that her questions, complaints or concerns might come spilling out.
We were there about 45 minutes, and what bothered me wasn't the boy's humming...it was his mom. His beautiful mom, there with her son and her other child, a daughter about 7. Her son looked about 5. She must have said "I'm sorry" about 50 times. What touched me so much was that her apologies were in front of her daughter, that made my heart break. She had nothing to be sorry for! She took her children to the LIBRARY...not an expensive restaurant. Just because her son has a special need, she shouldn't go places? Or she deserves to be there any less? AND...her son seemed to have a serious special need, but perhaps he knows what she's saying too.
I am so happy to say, that not only was Taylor - both my girls - on their best behavior, but it wasn't so long ago, that a noise like the humming would have prevented Taylor from enjoying the library at all. A year ago, definitely 2 years ago, I would have had to bribe Bailey with something, and had to leave, carrying a screaming Tatie in my arms. I am so thankful, that a trip to the library was so enjoyable for my girls and I. I did not say, 'I'm sorry' once.
It wasn't so long ago I was saying a lot of apologies. In front of my children. I apologized when Taylor held her ears during dance class because she hated the tapping noise. I apologized when she screamed at the Applebee's because the family at the next table ordered fajitas and she hated the smell and the smoke. I apologized to the checkout girl at the grocery store, as I balanced a mad Tatie on my hip as I threw foods that she hated to look at on the belt. I apologized to family, friends, teachers. Why was I sorry?
This woman tonight, she left the library skipping. Literally. Her son didn't want to leave, his humming became even louder and he was trying to fall to the floor and she half carried him skipping out the door, trying to get him to skip. How exhausted is this mom. I desperately wanted to approach her, but I get so nervous about doing that. It brings tears to me now, thinking of my missed opportunity, of my fear.
That should be what I'm sorry about. For not telling this mom she had nothing to be sorry for.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
An addendum
My last entry on this blog, which feels like a billion years ago, was basically about how much I love this season - give or take some temper tantrums and sibling fighting - of having young children. That I want to enjoy them and not fear for when this season is over.
I wrote that entry while my children were in bed. Sleeping like angels. Quiet, not ripping my house and each other apart.
I wrote that entry after being away on vacation with my hottie husband and friends. Just adults. Fun. No chores or the monotony of every day life. No waking up to Taylor picking her nose and wiping it on my arm. No listening to Bailey whine for the hundreth time over the course of an hour.
I wrote that entry with less brain cells than I had 8 years ago. I will never get them back, they are gone.
So this is my addendum to that last post.
I love my girls, they are my life. But I am REALLY looking forward to school starting next Tuesday.
I wrote that entry while my children were in bed. Sleeping like angels. Quiet, not ripping my house and each other apart.
I wrote that entry after being away on vacation with my hottie husband and friends. Just adults. Fun. No chores or the monotony of every day life. No waking up to Taylor picking her nose and wiping it on my arm. No listening to Bailey whine for the hundreth time over the course of an hour.
I wrote that entry with less brain cells than I had 8 years ago. I will never get them back, they are gone.
So this is my addendum to that last post.
I love my girls, they are my life. But I am REALLY looking forward to school starting next Tuesday.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
guilt, mommy style
I was just watching the Jaycee Dugard story on 20/20, and I am filled with many emotions. But what is relatable most to me, happened at the end of the 2 hr show.
The morning that Jaycee was kidnapped - and then held prisoner for 18 yrs - her mom didn't kiss her good-bye bc for the 3rd morning in a row she was running late to work. Can you just imagine, just for a second - because imagining this horror for any longer than a second is too long - living with that guilt all those years? And really, she'll live with it for the rest of her life. Even though she now has her daughter back, that will live with her, and she pleaded with parents at the end of the show to take a moment with your kids, it may be "inconvenient" but so important.
I take many moments with my girls. But I could take more. I could lay on the floor more to play or color, as I know they love. I could just plain be silly...tonight I was acting crazy for no reason and the girls were really cracking up. I don't act crazy that much, why don't I? I could videotape more of Bailey's ballet improv and Taylor's take on Broadway musicals. I tell the girls I love them all the time...but actions speak louder than words and I want to show them. Leave them more notes on their pillows or hidden in their drawers - they love that. More backrubs and lullies, not just at bedtime. More reading, playing, projects.
I want nothing more in my life, absolutely nothing, than to feel success as a mother. To feel that I have loved my girls with a fierceness and joy that they feel every day of their lives. To instill values in them that I cherish, from God's Word, that they then come to cherish. To have fun, to grow, to share life together and WANT to be with each other.
I am so blessed to have my babies. Tomorrow I am going to make them their favorite breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes in shapes with hearts and their initials in whipped cream, well-done bacon for Bailey, yogurt for Tate) and sit at the table and tell them I missed them while they slept. Really. Of course, they'll probably bicker over who has the bigger whipped cream heart or Tate will be covering her nose and whining about the smell of the bacon, but I hope I can smile through it and remember how many moms in terrible situations only wish that they were listening to child-bickering over pancakes in a comfy home.
Motherhood is so crazy. There are a million emotions, all in the same day. Gratitude, yet impatience. Joy, but anger. Wanting your children to never grow up and away, and yet craving time alone to think for just one minute. Enjoying the sounds of laughter and play, but asking for quiet PLEASE! Holding them close, smelling that babyfresh skin and sweet smelling hair, and yet feeling like you can't have one more elbow or knee pressing into your stomach one more time. You know what I mean moms?!
But the strongest emotion, that is always there, always...love, thankfulness, joy, wonder. And more love.
The morning that Jaycee was kidnapped - and then held prisoner for 18 yrs - her mom didn't kiss her good-bye bc for the 3rd morning in a row she was running late to work. Can you just imagine, just for a second - because imagining this horror for any longer than a second is too long - living with that guilt all those years? And really, she'll live with it for the rest of her life. Even though she now has her daughter back, that will live with her, and she pleaded with parents at the end of the show to take a moment with your kids, it may be "inconvenient" but so important.
I take many moments with my girls. But I could take more. I could lay on the floor more to play or color, as I know they love. I could just plain be silly...tonight I was acting crazy for no reason and the girls were really cracking up. I don't act crazy that much, why don't I? I could videotape more of Bailey's ballet improv and Taylor's take on Broadway musicals. I tell the girls I love them all the time...but actions speak louder than words and I want to show them. Leave them more notes on their pillows or hidden in their drawers - they love that. More backrubs and lullies, not just at bedtime. More reading, playing, projects.
I want nothing more in my life, absolutely nothing, than to feel success as a mother. To feel that I have loved my girls with a fierceness and joy that they feel every day of their lives. To instill values in them that I cherish, from God's Word, that they then come to cherish. To have fun, to grow, to share life together and WANT to be with each other.
I am so blessed to have my babies. Tomorrow I am going to make them their favorite breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes in shapes with hearts and their initials in whipped cream, well-done bacon for Bailey, yogurt for Tate) and sit at the table and tell them I missed them while they slept. Really. Of course, they'll probably bicker over who has the bigger whipped cream heart or Tate will be covering her nose and whining about the smell of the bacon, but I hope I can smile through it and remember how many moms in terrible situations only wish that they were listening to child-bickering over pancakes in a comfy home.
Motherhood is so crazy. There are a million emotions, all in the same day. Gratitude, yet impatience. Joy, but anger. Wanting your children to never grow up and away, and yet craving time alone to think for just one minute. Enjoying the sounds of laughter and play, but asking for quiet PLEASE! Holding them close, smelling that babyfresh skin and sweet smelling hair, and yet feeling like you can't have one more elbow or knee pressing into your stomach one more time. You know what I mean moms?!
But the strongest emotion, that is always there, always...love, thankfulness, joy, wonder. And more love.
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