guilt, mommy style

I was just watching the Jaycee Dugard story on 20/20, and I am filled with many emotions.  But what is relatable most to me, happened at the end of the 2 hr show.

The morning that Jaycee was kidnapped - and then held prisoner for 18 yrs - her mom didn't kiss her good-bye bc for the 3rd morning in a row she was running late to work.  Can you just imagine, just for a second - because imagining this horror for any longer than a second is too long - living with that guilt all those years?  And really, she'll live with it for the rest of her life.  Even though she now has her daughter back, that will live with her, and she pleaded with parents at the end of the show to take a moment with your kids, it may be "inconvenient" but so important.

I take many moments with my girls.  But I could take more.  I could lay on the floor more to play or color, as I know they love.  I could just plain be silly...tonight I was acting crazy for no reason and the girls were really cracking up.  I don't act crazy that much, why don't I?  I could videotape more of Bailey's ballet improv and Taylor's take on Broadway musicals.  I tell the girls I love them all the time...but actions speak louder than words and I want to show them.  Leave them more notes on their pillows or hidden in their drawers - they love that.  More backrubs and lullies, not just at bedtime.  More reading, playing, projects.

I want nothing more in my life, absolutely nothing, than to feel success as a mother.  To feel that I have loved my girls with a fierceness and joy that they feel every day of their lives.  To instill values in them that I cherish, from God's Word, that they then come to cherish.  To have fun, to grow, to share life together and WANT to be with each other.

I am so blessed to have my babies.  Tomorrow I am going to make them their favorite breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes in shapes with hearts and their initials in whipped cream, well-done bacon for Bailey, yogurt for Tate) and sit at the table and tell them I missed them while they slept.  Really.  Of course, they'll probably bicker over who has the bigger whipped cream heart or Tate will be covering her nose and whining about the smell of the bacon, but I hope I can smile through it and remember how many moms in terrible situations only wish that they were listening to child-bickering over pancakes in a comfy home.

Motherhood is so crazy.  There are a million emotions, all in the same day.  Gratitude, yet impatience.  Joy, but anger.  Wanting your children to never grow up and away, and yet craving time alone to think for just one minute.  Enjoying the sounds of laughter and play, but asking for quiet PLEASE!  Holding them close, smelling that babyfresh skin and sweet smelling hair, and yet feeling like you can't have one more elbow or knee pressing into your stomach one more time.  You know what I mean moms?!

But the strongest emotion, that is always there, always...love, thankfulness, joy, wonder.  And more love.