Family Sunday

so today is sunday, which always means working in the nursery, church and family dinner.  Sometimes this day allows me to reflect on my blessings, sometimes it makes me actually look forward to Monday.  hmm.  anyway, today's sermon, given by the associate pastor, made me think about my role as a mother and how God is REALLY using this stage in my life to mold me into the person He wants me to be.  The person i currently am is a confused one...kind of like how i feel about sundays.  do i look forward to it or a little bit dread it?  if anyone ever reads this blog, forgive my ramblings but i'm just kind of thinking out loud, whatever pops in my head.  anyway, i am confused about who i am.  on one hand i am thankful to be God's child and i desperately want Him to take the drivers seat in my life...on the other i fight Him tooth and nail, out of fear of the unknown, out of laziness....as far as my mothering goes, He is WORKING HARD in my life - some days i welcome the work, i do the best i can, i concentrate on Him.  on others, i boo-hoo myself, i yell at the kids, i lay on my bed too exhausted to even smile at my husband.  so for today...what's my choice?  TODAY, i choose to graciously welcome my family into my home to serve them a meal and i encourage kevin to help out at church while i tuck in the girls.  i smile, i have patience.  i pray.  for today and tomorrow i will choose again.

Connections

I just watched a video from a Good Morning America show a few weeks ago where a dad talked about his son who was labeled as autistic, but the child has SPD instead...the dad crawled into the crib with his son and thought, this is therapy -- CONNECTION with my child is therapy.  Anyway, i thought of how the times i am closest to my children, i am IN their space, on the floor, doing something calm but playful.  At Sahara Sams on monday, taylor and i laid in the tube around the lazy river umpteen times and she was resting against me, playing with my hands, gazing into each others eyes.  CONNECTED.  there is laundry, phone calls, vacuuming, dishes....it all will have to wait.  i HAVE to become more connected with my girls - i hereby promise to lay around more on the floor.  I can't wait to see the progress, the relationship - i know it will be worthwhile.  and the chores?  who really cares anyway?  why do i?

Feeling good

As i write, i am watching tv with a fire going.  I am so blessed. The last week has been Easter celebrations and lots of family time - we have been really enjoying each other.  Taylor has been doing pretty well and she especially enjoyed our day at Sahara Sams, an indoor water park.  She has been communicating more clearly and has been able to calm down quicker.  I am so thankful we are addressing her needs and i think it's helping.  Tomorrow we have 2 therapy sessions, it will be a busy day.  We meet up with kevin's parents around 4:30 tomorrow and they are having the children overnight at their house, tatie for the first time.  We will pick her up if necessary but maybe she'll do great!  We are going to AC for a night out, yay i can't wait.

Bailey is doing well, she had a playdate today with an old friend.  I tucked her in tonight, a long tuck-in, and i marveled at how tall she is getting, how long her hair is - how she is growing.  What will i do without my baby Bailey?  will she leave me for her friends - probably and hopefully - i know that's normal!   But we are so close, i love my girlfriend time with her.  I love my girlfriends, i am so glad i had girls.  When we do fun things together, we put our hands out on top of each other and chant, 1,2,3 - Girls!! i always wanted a sister and never had one - i am thankful they have each other.

Thank you God, for the blessings of my family.  Please help me each moment of each day, to be the mom You want me to be, to be the wife Kevin needs me to be.  

a big fat red nose

So i have spent so much time crying last night and today that my face is swollen.  this life is just not what i anticipated.  do others have it SOOOO much worse?  yes.  but today at friendly's, after taylor's therapy and in a booth that i requested be as far away as other customers as we could get, i watched a little girl about tate's age act so -- appropriate -- that i was green.  i went through this after bailey's CF diagnosis; i had a hard time for several months watching mothers with their seemingly healthy young children and i was envious believing that they probably did not lie awake at night wondering if they would outlive their child.  i got over it, meditated on "Give us THIS day our DAILY bread" and celebrated her health each day.  really.  but i find i am going through the jealous thing all over again.  with an added element of 'not one special needs child but two...'

oh woe is me.  shut up brynn.

i want to be in the light...

so today i was driving in my freshly cleaned van (love that) by myself while the girls were in school, listening to my fave radio station, K-Love.  It's a Christian station, and it brings me such joy, conviction...not to mention i love the songs!  well, today they played DC Talk's 'In the Light'... 

"what's going on inside of me?  i despise my own behavior.  This only serves to confirm my suspicions, that i'm still a man in need of a savior...I want to BE IN THE LIGHT, AS YOU ARE IN THE LIGHT, I WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE STARS IN THE HEAVENS....OH LORD BE MY LIGHT and BE MY SALVATION, CAUSE ALL I WANT IS TO BE in the LIGHT."

i was driving, singing, crying, longing to be BETTER, to be more like my Lord.  This morning kevin was gone, he had a work overnite in NYC and the girls were really acting out - leaving for school only 5 minutes late was nothing short of miraculous.  But of course that was also because yours truly here wore her standard issue of little make-up, hair in pony and sweats.  uck.  anyway, they had a great time at school celebrating Easter, which was great.  then off to another assessment at Sensational Kids, this time for occupational therapy for taylor, and although that went well in the sense that her therapist Miss Judy thinks she can help her, she doesn't know if taylor may be on the Autism spectrum - possibly Aspergers, high-functioning.   no no no no.   Lord, please move mountains.  If taylor is autistic, be with us Lord.  HELP us.  Bring people into our life to continue to help taylor, to guide her in healing and coping skills.  tomorrow is behavioral therapy, hoping it goes well.  

i want to be in the light.  but it's hard getting there, through the Refiner's fire.  

It's getting better...

So the last few days have been interesting...a few highlights (or lowlights too) :

wed evening i went to a seminar at Sensational Kids, and learned more about Sensory Disorders.  Although Taylor hasn't been "medically diagnosed" yet we are certain this is what she has.  A therapist talked about how when children are on a sensory diet (not to do with food) they are more balanced and can handle life better...so i decided to start her "diet" with a therapeutic massage every morning, in the hope it would calm her better for her day.  Well thursday i did this, 45 min worth, and she had a FABULOUS day.  Not ONE meltdown!  Today she did not consent to her massage, but still had a pretty good day - i was thankful, esp because we began her day at the ear-nose-throat specialist.  she had to have a long tube put through her nose down her throat, which was horrific but 3 hashbrowns for McD's later she recovered from the emotional trauma.  The Dr said her constant nose mucus, coughing, and raspy voice (and here she is NOT the CF kid) could be allergies, the fact that she's screamed since birth, etc.  we're waiting on the allergist appt next week to know more.  trying to get T all fixed up and acclimated to planet earth.

Bailey melts my heart every day.  she is such a good big sister, her heart couldn't be any bigger.  today taylor wanted bailey's outfit ad bailey literally took the clothes off her back and said "of course sweetheart, i want you to have them!"  bailey also sobbed when i smacked taylor's hand and disciplined her for telling me to shut up ( a phrase she keeps trying out) and said i was breaking her heart disciplining taylor.  She also got a great report from school, which i always love to hear.

the lowlight - last night kevin met us at the mall after work for dinner and easter bunny fun...he was white as a ghost and could hardly walk and talk his lower stomach hurt so badly.  He ended up in the ER until 3am  to find out nothing's wrong - i think we actually prayed out a kidney stone.  i was scared, i love him terribly.

that's it for now - oh and tonight, family dinner at prospectors, my mom and kevin's family...a rainbow, big and beautiful on the way home.  Thank you God.

another day in the life

A typical day of both joy and hardship. Every morning I face a battle of my selfishness vs what's best for my girls -- for Bailey sometimes it's doing a treatment, for Taylor it means getting ready fast so she doesn't get bored, which equals disaster. All i want to do is drink my coffee!!! Some mornings are snugglefests, singing and healthy breakfasts, but many others are tantrums and chocolate chip cereal bars. I am reading 'The Relationship Principles of Jesus' (along with a million other books simutaneously so let's see if i can keep them straight) and the author (Tom Holladay) says your dearest priorities are what you think about first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. hmmm - my weight, mommy guilt, fears...not good. Callin' on Jesus - Bring me JOY Lord.

Today i am thankful the girls got to play at Pump It Up with their friends and i with my MOPS moms; i am thankful that the weather is beautiful; i am thankful that my husband is dear and surprised me with 7-11 coffee (no, i didn't get to drink most of it until in the car, reheated 5x but that's not the point); i am thankful we are on the right track. Truthfully, i am thankful for many, many things. But i get bogged down with the other STUFF, that allows me to lose the FEELING of thankfulness, and i don't like it.

A prayer request - therapy with Taylor today went well, besides for the concern that Taylor's noises that she sometimes makes are ticks. Tears sprang to my eyes and i said, really, one MORE thing? She assured me she doesn't think it's Tourettes, as Taylor doesn't have body movements along with the noises, and she can stop them - albeit with a tantrum, if i tell her to stop and she doesn't want to. i don't know what to think and only time will tell, as she is only 3 1/2 and it's hard to know what's play and what's, well... anyway. CALLIN' ON JESUS FOR HEALING FOR MY PRECIOUS TATIE TOT.

New Blogger!

Hello to maybe someone, maybe just myself.   I enjoy reading blogs and thought i should just go ahead and start one up, if even to simply have a journal of my days raising the girls.  I have 2 daughters, Bailey Caelyn, 5 1/2 yrs old, and Taylor Elise, 3 1/2 yrs old.  Married to Kevin, best friend and true love.  Life is pretty good abstractly, but on a daily basis I can lose sight of my priorities...i can get so overwhelmed and frustrated that i can only feel that minute in time.  I sometimes feel as if i have lost myself...though i wanted nothing more than to be a mom, especially to have a daughter.  Having my first child, the pregnancy was quite difficult but the reward of Bailey was heaven on earth.  A delightful baby, and we were in love with each other.  Still are...she is such a light in my life.  She's a drama queen, but i am too so i get her.  She was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when she was 2 mos old, but she has a very mild mutation and after the shock and fear were replaced with God's assurance and hope, life as a family of 3 was a joy.  Then along came Taylor -- "Tatie Tot" - and whoa.  This child...her laugh is my favorite sound in the whole wide world - really - but her tantrums...there are no words for what these last 3 1/2 yrs have been like.  We are in the process of securing a Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis, information i wish i had a good 2 yrs ago.  She was colicky as a baby and then we thought she had early terrible twos, real terrible twos and then terrible three's.  But in my heart i knew - i knew - something wasn't right.    Taylor loves to have fun,  she is affectionate and she brings such life to our family.  She and Bailey, albeit sworn enemies at times, love each other greatly and i admire them often - i always wished for a sister.  But life on a daily basis is a true struggle.  I try so hard to have a servant's heart for my family, to be patient and loving.  But many times i reach my breaking point, i can only take so much screaming, crying, fighting.  Life with Taylor really does feel like a battle at times.  And then there are other times -- blessed, precious times -- when she is with us, she gets it, and she is just like any other kid.  So i think i want to keep this blog to vent, to learn, to look back and see how far we've come.  Tatie has started therapy - social, behavioral and occupational - and we have much hope, and faith.   We are callin' on Jesus and we're gonna watch mountains fall.