Today is St Patricks Day. That's all, I don't really have anything else to say about that. Because my brain has become mush, I don't really recall the historical significance of it - I think it was a good reason though so Yay Irish people. Go you. Or something.
So even though it's not my thing...I DID wear green and I DID like to see everyone enjoy themselves. The girls had a good time at school, the kids at the park seemed happy, you FB friends were eating green pancakes and corned beef (never had it). Everyone likes something to celebrate, even if the majority of the people don't even know what they're celebrating.
Or do they all know, and I'm the only dumb one. Hmm.
Anyway, here is my thankfulness list.
1. Tatie had a playdate this morning, and Bailey had a playdate after school. The girls and I also decided we're going to have a Tanged party when we get the movie, and they can each invite a few friends. One of my New Years resolutions was to do more things with friends - for the girls too also - and I feel like we're actually living up to that one.
2, Kevin is doing well at his job, which we are very grateful for.
3. This weather!!
4. This weekend Kev and I are going to AC for the day with Kevin's brother Scott, and his girlfriend. Who I love. So it'll be a really good time. This is our Christmas present to each other - instead of buying gifts, we choose an activity. And then on Sunday we're going to a middle school show of Beauty and the Beast, so lots of fun.
5. Another normal day. With seeing what the Japanese are enduring, vacuuming and laundry seems pretty damn privileged.
6. Taylor has off from school tomorrow, I'm looking forward to palling around with her in the morning and then in the afternoon we have a playdate planned, so more fun-ness!
7. Tonight I took a walk...and even jogged some. I know, I can't believe it either!! I stopped after a bit - I didn't want to scare the children playing if I passed out clutching my chest outside their house.
8. Private Practice is new tonight, I'm watching it right now. Perhaps it has contributed to that whole brain-mush thing I have going, but I don't care.
9. Taylor was really coughing and snotty yesterday morning, but seemed pretty good today. Bailey has also been doing better with her breathing and coughing. Yay!
10. I have fresh sheets on my bed. The good kind of sheets, because my mom saw we had old, torn sheets and she took pity on us. Before you think we had nasty sheets because we be po', that's not why. The girls each have 3 sets of beautiful, soft sheets. But when you have a few bucks, it's always easier to spend it differently than buying the high thread-count sheets. But they are so worth it, thanks Mom!!
Bonus #11. My mom rocks. She not only gave us luxurious sheets, when she comes to visit me sometimes she makes our bed. And throws in a load of towels. And straightens up the girls rooms. And scrubs my stove. Well, that she does because she can't stand how nasty I let it get, it hurts her eyes. Anyway, you get the gist -- she still mothers me. And THAT is awesome. I love her.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Whatever Wednesday - a bit early, cause I knew you were waiting
For some reason, this new year I have been thinking a lot about the kind of person I want to be. I don't know why - maybe because I have more time with Bailey being in school full day and Tatie half day. Maybe because I feel like I lost myself over these past 7+ years as a Mommy, so I am starting over. Maybe because I'm sick of me, so I'd like to change me a bit. For whatever reason, I'm thinking about it. Not doing too much about it yet, but thinking. :)
One thing that bothered me when I first started thinking about 'the kind of person I want to be' is that pretty high up on my list is "thin." Would being thin define me? I actually really do believe it would. I have been heavy for so long that being thin would remarkably change my life, and I think, family and friend' perceptions of me. Putting aside what I would want to DO as a thin person - truly, to help others who struggle with their weight, I would LOVE that - I think BEING a thin person would truly change my life. Instead of weak, I'd be strong. Instead of slow, I'd be fast. Instead of hating myself, I'd love myself...um, would I?
I am trying to embrace a more peaceful, accepting spirit for myself. I am trying not to self-talk in such a negative, punishing, hurtful way. But how do I get around the fact that when I look in the mirror, and I'm not "the kind of person I want to be", I still have to live with me all day? So because I'm not thin yet - and won't be for several months at the very earliest - I have automatically somewhat failed?
And what about all of the other attributes I want to incorporate into my life. Selflessness, peacefulness, generosity, kindness, Christ-likeness. When others see me, I want them to want what I have - - the love of Christ alive in my life!! So WHY is that farther down my list than being thin?! Why do I spend 10x more time on this, than the characteristics GOD wants me to display? I believe yes, He wants me to be healthy and "thin" is part of being healthy, but I am embarrassed that I spend so much more time obsessing over my body and not as much time on my heart.
I'll never be perfect, ever. But with God's help, I'm going to continue working on 'the kind of person I want to be.' But with some extra emphasis on the whole package, not just the size of my ass.
One thing that bothered me when I first started thinking about 'the kind of person I want to be' is that pretty high up on my list is "thin." Would being thin define me? I actually really do believe it would. I have been heavy for so long that being thin would remarkably change my life, and I think, family and friend' perceptions of me. Putting aside what I would want to DO as a thin person - truly, to help others who struggle with their weight, I would LOVE that - I think BEING a thin person would truly change my life. Instead of weak, I'd be strong. Instead of slow, I'd be fast. Instead of hating myself, I'd love myself...um, would I?
I am trying to embrace a more peaceful, accepting spirit for myself. I am trying not to self-talk in such a negative, punishing, hurtful way. But how do I get around the fact that when I look in the mirror, and I'm not "the kind of person I want to be", I still have to live with me all day? So because I'm not thin yet - and won't be for several months at the very earliest - I have automatically somewhat failed?
And what about all of the other attributes I want to incorporate into my life. Selflessness, peacefulness, generosity, kindness, Christ-likeness. When others see me, I want them to want what I have - - the love of Christ alive in my life!! So WHY is that farther down my list than being thin?! Why do I spend 10x more time on this, than the characteristics GOD wants me to display? I believe yes, He wants me to be healthy and "thin" is part of being healthy, but I am embarrassed that I spend so much more time obsessing over my body and not as much time on my heart.
I'll never be perfect, ever. But with God's help, I'm going to continue working on 'the kind of person I want to be.' But with some extra emphasis on the whole package, not just the size of my ass.
Tummy Tuesday
Ok so here it is, my weekly weight update. I had my WW meeting on Sat morning and lost .2 lbs. Not 2 lbs, .2. I was very discouraged, and almost cried. But then our leader gave a great meeting and I was uplifted, which I was grateful for. Kathy (leader) said something I loved - "Your body doesn't always get the memo that it's supposed to be at it's lowest weight of the week at weigh-in." Because the day before my home scale had said I was down and I did good that day so I didn't get it! I am actually looking forward to this week's weigh-in, I think I'll be happy with what I see. My weight didn't come on overnight - it was years of half a pound here, quarter of a pound here. So I really have to let go of a quick-fix mentality and settle in for a long ride. But the months, the years, will come and go anyway - so why not be losing weight at the same time, even if it is little by little. Better than nothing.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Mommy Monday
This pic is from a few years ago. Last week the girls were home with me most of the time, as Tatie had off for parent-teacher conferences and Bailey was sick for a few of the days. The time with them reminded me of when it was just us, every day all day. Playing, painting, puzzles. Dress-up, Dora, dollhouses. Baby Einstein, bubble baths, baking cookies.
It was also crying, screaming, time-outs and more crying. They cried and screamed and had time-outs too.
Yeah, this kid definitely cried, screamed and had time-outs.
This kid not as much...but trust me, LOTS of drama.
Anyway, it has been really hard for me to think about this coming September, when Tatie will probably be in school full time. Our district has 1/2 day kindergarten, but the CST will probably recommend she go for "regular" 1/2 day kindergarten, then spend another 1/2 day in the special services class, so she can continue her speech and OT without missing out during class. She has become SO enjoyable, I really love my time with her. She is a riot! And so sweet, my little girlfriend. Her first few years of life were SOO stressful, so this time is so precious to me. I always get mad at myself when I spend the morning cleaning or doing chores instead of spending it with her. She likes the time alone to do her dollhousing or coloring, but it's like a clock ticking that is running out of this time with her at home.
What will I do with my time when they are both out of the house for 7 hours? I'd like to work part-time, I think that'd be perfect. I am wondering if I will be really sad. I know it's just a transition, and I'll get used to it - I certainly have gotten used to Bailey going to school all day. But as much as I am dreading the silence of the house of little giggles and playing, I am dreading feeling useless. Kevin thinks I'm nutty - he's looking forward to having some more $ come in, and enjoying the kids getting older. He's looking forward to their softball games, swim meets, choir concerts. He doesn't miss diapers or 3am feedings. And 3am "what's wrong with the baby...she's crying but not hungry, wet, teething. Is it an earache, a tummyache"? I don't miss that really either, and I am looking forward to watching them continue to grow and learn. But there's this part of me that is sad. Will I feel like this for the rest of my life?
I feel very blessed to have had this time with them at home -- even with all of the crying, sceaming and time-outs. I wouldn't change a thing. There were times when it was stressful - or when I spent one too many hours a day in a kitchen I hate - that I wished I was working. But those moments were fleeting, and not a week has gone by that I haven't thanked God for Kevin's job and for my husband, who's such a good provider. Kevin would take such joy in me texting him a picture like the one from above, of the kids playing at the mall. He never came home to a bomb of a house and asked what I did all day. Instead he side-stepped the Barbies and bouncy balls and immediately started helping with the kids. He also helping in the middle of the night! Kevin made the gig of me staying at home easier, which I so appreciate.
So when I get sad that they are growing up, I want to thank God that they are growing and healthy, and thank Him for all the many moments I had to enjoy with them as little kids. Aren't they so cute?
Spirit Sunday
At HOPE, Pastor Jeff is in the middle of a series on evangelizing. I love series!! Anyway, he referenced James 1:19 during his message -
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
Um....I am slow to listen, quick to speak and quick to become angry. Especially with my family. This is to think about another time, but why are we sometimes much nicer to strangers than our own loved ones?!
So I keep thinking about this verse. When I think of the people I am attracted to, they embody this verse. Calm, patient, friendly, good-listening kind of people. I tend to be loud, talkative, and I can get pissed off rather easily. I don't want to be like that. When someone speaks to me, I don't want to interrupt and start chatting away...I want to listen completely, and say little especially if the person is sharing something stressful or hurtful. With my children - or Kevin - I don't want to fly off the handle when they do things like ignore my requests for them to clean up. I want to speak calmly, and enforce a discipline if necessary - not with Kevin :) - but not raise my voice. Oh if I could go one day without raising my voice!!
Anyway, I am going to be more mindful of my tongue. Yes, I know how to listen and sometimes I can be a "good listener." But not nearly enough. Especially if I am close to the person. And I want to really bite my tongue when it comes to yelling at my girls. I don't want them to grow up to be yellers, and I don't want them to have memories of Mommy screaming like a lunatic because they are fighting over who gets to be Cinderella. Again.
So far today so good -- but then again, Kevin has been out of the house since 6:30am, the girls and I slept in a bit bc of the time change and then Bailey left for school at 8:45. Tatie and I got along wonderfully and I have been around no one else. But still...I've been very pleasant. :)
I have about 9 hours left to my day...hoping I can keep it together and treat my family - and any friends I may talk to - like the lovies they are. And if they piss me off - which they very well might - I think I'll lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the fan to drown them out, and try to reflect on that verse. Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
Um....I am slow to listen, quick to speak and quick to become angry. Especially with my family. This is to think about another time, but why are we sometimes much nicer to strangers than our own loved ones?!
So I keep thinking about this verse. When I think of the people I am attracted to, they embody this verse. Calm, patient, friendly, good-listening kind of people. I tend to be loud, talkative, and I can get pissed off rather easily. I don't want to be like that. When someone speaks to me, I don't want to interrupt and start chatting away...I want to listen completely, and say little especially if the person is sharing something stressful or hurtful. With my children - or Kevin - I don't want to fly off the handle when they do things like ignore my requests for them to clean up. I want to speak calmly, and enforce a discipline if necessary - not with Kevin :) - but not raise my voice. Oh if I could go one day without raising my voice!!
Anyway, I am going to be more mindful of my tongue. Yes, I know how to listen and sometimes I can be a "good listener." But not nearly enough. Especially if I am close to the person. And I want to really bite my tongue when it comes to yelling at my girls. I don't want them to grow up to be yellers, and I don't want them to have memories of Mommy screaming like a lunatic because they are fighting over who gets to be Cinderella. Again.
So far today so good -- but then again, Kevin has been out of the house since 6:30am, the girls and I slept in a bit bc of the time change and then Bailey left for school at 8:45. Tatie and I got along wonderfully and I have been around no one else. But still...I've been very pleasant. :)
I have about 9 hours left to my day...hoping I can keep it together and treat my family - and any friends I may talk to - like the lovies they are. And if they piss me off - which they very well might - I think I'll lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the fan to drown them out, and try to reflect on that verse. Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sales Saturday
So if you remember, I had a - lofty - goal of only spending $100 for groceries and eating out in the month of March. I had - I don't have the sheet in front of me but $150-200 to spend in reward dollars at SR and drug stores - so that helps a lot of course. BUT I have realized over the last week that goal can stand for groceries, but there's no way I'll make it with eating out. Already we've spent I think around $75 - not counting the Chinese take-out Kevin bought using coins he had from his car.
That's a true story and I loved him for it.
Anyway, we still have a few nights eating out left on the calendar so it's a dead deal. We ARE using gift cards cashed out from reward points on our CC for 2 of the nights, but still. I'm expecting that we're going to spend $100 on eating out ALONE - so maybe $200 for both?
SO for the groceries - I spent $11 the first week of March, and this week I spent $32 OOP, rounded up. Next week I hope to have another $11 week instead of the $32! I have $50 to spend at SR in next week's rewards and I don't need much else besides produce. Chicken is $1.69/lb so I am buying some of that too.
There does seem to be a few good deals at the drug stores but I used up my reward dollars so I don't think I'll hit them up bc we don't need anything.
It's fun making financial goals but I read something this week that is SO true!! A blogger wrote about how she and her husband spent $10 each weekday on coffee, etc and cut that out completely BUT at the end of the year they STILL had no money in savings. They just took that money and spent it on other things!! They could've had a few thousand dollars! So part of my financial goal, is to actually SAVE that money.
I need to become more organized...and I'm thinking my lists on post-its and our summer-savings jar isn't what the financial gerus have in mind.
That's a true story and I loved him for it.
Anyway, we still have a few nights eating out left on the calendar so it's a dead deal. We ARE using gift cards cashed out from reward points on our CC for 2 of the nights, but still. I'm expecting that we're going to spend $100 on eating out ALONE - so maybe $200 for both?
SO for the groceries - I spent $11 the first week of March, and this week I spent $32 OOP, rounded up. Next week I hope to have another $11 week instead of the $32! I have $50 to spend at SR in next week's rewards and I don't need much else besides produce. Chicken is $1.69/lb so I am buying some of that too.
There does seem to be a few good deals at the drug stores but I used up my reward dollars so I don't think I'll hit them up bc we don't need anything.
It's fun making financial goals but I read something this week that is SO true!! A blogger wrote about how she and her husband spent $10 each weekday on coffee, etc and cut that out completely BUT at the end of the year they STILL had no money in savings. They just took that money and spent it on other things!! They could've had a few thousand dollars! So part of my financial goal, is to actually SAVE that money.
I need to become more organized...and I'm thinking my lists on post-its and our summer-savings jar isn't what the financial gerus have in mind.
Flash Back Friday - Bailey Caelyn's birth story
A friend posted a note on FB where she gave her child's birth story. I loved reading it, so here we go with mine. She posted a short and sweet note...mine will be verbose and tiring. But if you're still reading my blog, you know I'm not a short and sweet kind of girl.
I got pregnant with Bailey when I was 23, not quite 1 1/2 yrs into our "5 year plan." I was taking 2 grad classes and working as a social worker. That morning, I freaked out...as in, I took a pregnancy test, got into the shower and peeked out at a couple of flaming lines (I think it was laughing at me too) and promptly fell. As I was sitting on the shower floor, I immediately felt guilty, what if I hurt the baby already.
Mommy guilt is a pervasive, nasty thing...but more on that another time.
Kevin and I went to LabCorp for a blood test, and by that evening I was praying it would be positive for sure. The nurse called to tell me, she said, "Hi Mommy" and I started weeping (no surprises there I'm sure). I was so happy...I had always wanted to be a mom, so what if it happened faster than we thought.
I had assumed that because I had always wanted to be a mom, for some reason I would have a great pregnancy. I have NO idea why I thought that, and at around 7 weeks I started getting sick...and it didn't stop. I was sick almost daily - sometimes several times daily - throughout the whole thing I threw up in a hairdresser's sink, I threw up all over my MIL's books she had stacked on the floor, I threw up in the car...many, many times. I was so sensitive to smell, and it could make me sick before I even knew it. Brushing my teeth meant getting sick, every time. It was not the worst thing in the world by any means...I knew how blessed I was to be growing a baby with no problems except for getting sick. But it was difficult, and I counted down the days until I could have the baby.
We found out we were having a girl, and I was over the moon. I had thought it would be a boy because of the tons of boys on Kevin's side, but here it was a girl. I was so glad we found out so I could plan, and I rubbed my huge stretch mark striped tummy and talked to my baby.
We took 12 weeks of Bradley classes, where they try to prepare you for a natural childbirth. I didn't want to bury the placenta or anything, but I really wanted to be "present" for her arrival, and in the off-chance the drugs would do anything to her, I didn't want to take them. That is $250 I wish I had back...but actually, the classes were really nice because for 1/2 hr of the 2 1/2 hr class, Kevin had to do a "relaxation exercise" with me which I LOVED. Massage and slow, quiet talking. But not only did I take drugs, I ended up with a C-section...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I was being monitored by a specialist because of a blood clotting history in my family, so at an ultrasound a few weeks before my due date they realized my amniotic fluid level was low. I had to come back the next day, and it was a lot lower. But I didn't feel like I was leaking any, I still don't know what happened. Anyway, they had me check in, and induced me. The baby's head hadn't even dropped, I knew from my reading ('cause that's what you do when you have time to kill before a baby...it's probably the last book I read) that if you're induced, you have a much higher chance of drugs or a C-section. Fast forward 36 hours of hell, and at 10:53 pm Bailey Caelyn came into the world by C-section. They had to take her out, and I'm glad they did. Thank God for medical intervention. However, because of all that vomiting I was telling you about...literally ON the operating table I got the dry heaves, and I couldn't stop. So they actually knocked me out, and to this day I am still devastated by that. I didn't get to see her come out, and I was out for over an hour afterwards.
Kevin knew I'd want to be the first one to hold the baby, and he didn't let anyone except him hold her until I could. When I woke up, all I could think to say was, "my baby, my baby..." and I still remember how desperately I tried to appear awake, so the nurses would let me hold her. Kevin gave her to me, and I just told myself, hold her strong, don't drop her...I was so weak. I looked at her in my groggy state, and started crying and couldn't stop. She was SO beautiful, so perfect!!! I couldn't believe she was mine! She had a dimple on her chin, I remember noticing that.
I don't remember who took her away, but after some nurse shoved my boob into the baby's mouth, Bailey got passed around the visitors and I slept. I'm also sad I missed seeing their reactions to seeing Bailey for the first time. But over the next few days at the hospital I really enjoyed seeing family and friends love on her, I was so proud. Kevin was so gentle with her and with me, I was very happy.
Bailey did have jaundice, so after we got home, the next day we had to go back and she had to spend 2 more days. I had delivered her at Kennedy, but she was admitted to Virtua with her jaundice - what a difference!! The nurses at Kennedy were not kind, I really didn't enjoy the environment of that hospital. Virtua bent over backwards for us, so that made it easier to be there. Bailey was in a light bed, with little goggles on her eyes. I was so hormonal, and I just couldn't stop crying that Bailey was not being snuggled by me, she was in an incubator. I remember reminding myself though, that if this was the worst of it, I was so much more fortunate than many, many families. There was no reasoning with my hormones though and I was SO happy when we were cleared to go home.
A few days after that, I got a phone call that Bailey's heel prick test when she was born showed she may have Cystic Fibrosis. I was laying on the floor with her, and I remember sitting up, and asking what that was. She didn't explain it, she said before we jumped to any conclusions Bailey had to be tested. I looked it up on the internet (the beginning with my love-hate relationship with Google - although at that time was it Yahoo or something?) and freaked out. The next few days I licked Bailey's arms continuously (that used to be an old way to test for CF, if you could taste the salt on the skin) and waited for the first test results for the sweat test we did - they had taken a band and put it around her arm, which had painless electrodes or something, and then they measure the salt content in the sweat. It came back borderline, as did the next THREE tests. Finally they did a genetic blood test and she did have CF. They didn't do the blood test right away because there's over 1000 mutations and it takes longer. I remember the nurse from CHOP telling me that if her child had to have CF, Bailey had the most mild mutation and she'd want that. I remember yelling into the phone, "who would want their baby to have a disease that could kill her?!" She was such a nice nurse, I just took it out on her. I wouldn't put Bailey down for days, I cried many tears onto her pretty little head.
Hmmm this has turned into much more than a birth story...but it all flows together in my head to me. What I learned from Bailey's birth and then her diagnosis, is that life does not turn out the way we plan all the time!! Sometimes it's worth grieving over, sometimes you have to move on quickly. I wish I had moved on quicker, during Bailey's first year of life. What a precious time that was, just me and this chubby, pink, HEALTHY baby...and so often I thought of the birth that wasn't what I wanted, her diagnosis that scared me to death, and whether or not we should even have more children. I wish I could go back and hold that sweetheart of a baby and just ENJOY her more. She was such a dollbaby. Every day she'd take her afternoon nap on me, I loved it. I'd nurse her and she'd fall asleep, the 2 of us in my Lazyboy. She'd wake up hot, with her sweaty head on me, and look at me with her huge brown eyes and smile. How many of those naps did I pray to God and beg Him for her health, instead of thanking Him for how healthy she was. I was so scared. I DID take much joy in her, but some of my joy was taken away by fear.
That season of fear in my life passed, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the health Bailey has...and of course, I am INCREDIBLY thankful for her...a gift from God. We say our babies are the best gifts we never asked for. Both of them came to us as a surprise, and I can't imagine having any other 2 children but Bailey and Taylor. They are daily reminders of how God knows what we need SO much better than we do.
Tatie Tot's story next week...I know you're on pins and needles waiting. :)
I got pregnant with Bailey when I was 23, not quite 1 1/2 yrs into our "5 year plan." I was taking 2 grad classes and working as a social worker. That morning, I freaked out...as in, I took a pregnancy test, got into the shower and peeked out at a couple of flaming lines (I think it was laughing at me too) and promptly fell. As I was sitting on the shower floor, I immediately felt guilty, what if I hurt the baby already.
Mommy guilt is a pervasive, nasty thing...but more on that another time.
Kevin and I went to LabCorp for a blood test, and by that evening I was praying it would be positive for sure. The nurse called to tell me, she said, "Hi Mommy" and I started weeping (no surprises there I'm sure). I was so happy...I had always wanted to be a mom, so what if it happened faster than we thought.
I had assumed that because I had always wanted to be a mom, for some reason I would have a great pregnancy. I have NO idea why I thought that, and at around 7 weeks I started getting sick...and it didn't stop. I was sick almost daily - sometimes several times daily - throughout the whole thing I threw up in a hairdresser's sink, I threw up all over my MIL's books she had stacked on the floor, I threw up in the car...many, many times. I was so sensitive to smell, and it could make me sick before I even knew it. Brushing my teeth meant getting sick, every time. It was not the worst thing in the world by any means...I knew how blessed I was to be growing a baby with no problems except for getting sick. But it was difficult, and I counted down the days until I could have the baby.
We found out we were having a girl, and I was over the moon. I had thought it would be a boy because of the tons of boys on Kevin's side, but here it was a girl. I was so glad we found out so I could plan, and I rubbed my huge stretch mark striped tummy and talked to my baby.
We took 12 weeks of Bradley classes, where they try to prepare you for a natural childbirth. I didn't want to bury the placenta or anything, but I really wanted to be "present" for her arrival, and in the off-chance the drugs would do anything to her, I didn't want to take them. That is $250 I wish I had back...but actually, the classes were really nice because for 1/2 hr of the 2 1/2 hr class, Kevin had to do a "relaxation exercise" with me which I LOVED. Massage and slow, quiet talking. But not only did I take drugs, I ended up with a C-section...but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I was being monitored by a specialist because of a blood clotting history in my family, so at an ultrasound a few weeks before my due date they realized my amniotic fluid level was low. I had to come back the next day, and it was a lot lower. But I didn't feel like I was leaking any, I still don't know what happened. Anyway, they had me check in, and induced me. The baby's head hadn't even dropped, I knew from my reading ('cause that's what you do when you have time to kill before a baby...it's probably the last book I read) that if you're induced, you have a much higher chance of drugs or a C-section. Fast forward 36 hours of hell, and at 10:53 pm Bailey Caelyn came into the world by C-section. They had to take her out, and I'm glad they did. Thank God for medical intervention. However, because of all that vomiting I was telling you about...literally ON the operating table I got the dry heaves, and I couldn't stop. So they actually knocked me out, and to this day I am still devastated by that. I didn't get to see her come out, and I was out for over an hour afterwards.
Kevin knew I'd want to be the first one to hold the baby, and he didn't let anyone except him hold her until I could. When I woke up, all I could think to say was, "my baby, my baby..." and I still remember how desperately I tried to appear awake, so the nurses would let me hold her. Kevin gave her to me, and I just told myself, hold her strong, don't drop her...I was so weak. I looked at her in my groggy state, and started crying and couldn't stop. She was SO beautiful, so perfect!!! I couldn't believe she was mine! She had a dimple on her chin, I remember noticing that.
I don't remember who took her away, but after some nurse shoved my boob into the baby's mouth, Bailey got passed around the visitors and I slept. I'm also sad I missed seeing their reactions to seeing Bailey for the first time. But over the next few days at the hospital I really enjoyed seeing family and friends love on her, I was so proud. Kevin was so gentle with her and with me, I was very happy.
Bailey did have jaundice, so after we got home, the next day we had to go back and she had to spend 2 more days. I had delivered her at Kennedy, but she was admitted to Virtua with her jaundice - what a difference!! The nurses at Kennedy were not kind, I really didn't enjoy the environment of that hospital. Virtua bent over backwards for us, so that made it easier to be there. Bailey was in a light bed, with little goggles on her eyes. I was so hormonal, and I just couldn't stop crying that Bailey was not being snuggled by me, she was in an incubator. I remember reminding myself though, that if this was the worst of it, I was so much more fortunate than many, many families. There was no reasoning with my hormones though and I was SO happy when we were cleared to go home.
A few days after that, I got a phone call that Bailey's heel prick test when she was born showed she may have Cystic Fibrosis. I was laying on the floor with her, and I remember sitting up, and asking what that was. She didn't explain it, she said before we jumped to any conclusions Bailey had to be tested. I looked it up on the internet (the beginning with my love-hate relationship with Google - although at that time was it Yahoo or something?) and freaked out. The next few days I licked Bailey's arms continuously (that used to be an old way to test for CF, if you could taste the salt on the skin) and waited for the first test results for the sweat test we did - they had taken a band and put it around her arm, which had painless electrodes or something, and then they measure the salt content in the sweat. It came back borderline, as did the next THREE tests. Finally they did a genetic blood test and she did have CF. They didn't do the blood test right away because there's over 1000 mutations and it takes longer. I remember the nurse from CHOP telling me that if her child had to have CF, Bailey had the most mild mutation and she'd want that. I remember yelling into the phone, "who would want their baby to have a disease that could kill her?!" She was such a nice nurse, I just took it out on her. I wouldn't put Bailey down for days, I cried many tears onto her pretty little head.
Hmmm this has turned into much more than a birth story...but it all flows together in my head to me. What I learned from Bailey's birth and then her diagnosis, is that life does not turn out the way we plan all the time!! Sometimes it's worth grieving over, sometimes you have to move on quickly. I wish I had moved on quicker, during Bailey's first year of life. What a precious time that was, just me and this chubby, pink, HEALTHY baby...and so often I thought of the birth that wasn't what I wanted, her diagnosis that scared me to death, and whether or not we should even have more children. I wish I could go back and hold that sweetheart of a baby and just ENJOY her more. She was such a dollbaby. Every day she'd take her afternoon nap on me, I loved it. I'd nurse her and she'd fall asleep, the 2 of us in my Lazyboy. She'd wake up hot, with her sweaty head on me, and look at me with her huge brown eyes and smile. How many of those naps did I pray to God and beg Him for her health, instead of thanking Him for how healthy she was. I was so scared. I DID take much joy in her, but some of my joy was taken away by fear.
That season of fear in my life passed, and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the health Bailey has...and of course, I am INCREDIBLY thankful for her...a gift from God. We say our babies are the best gifts we never asked for. Both of them came to us as a surprise, and I can't imagine having any other 2 children but Bailey and Taylor. They are daily reminders of how God knows what we need SO much better than we do.
Tatie Tot's story next week...I know you're on pins and needles waiting. :)
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