For some reason, this new year I have been thinking a lot about the kind of person I want to be. I don't know why - maybe because I have more time with Bailey being in school full day and Tatie half day. Maybe because I feel like I lost myself over these past 7+ years as a Mommy, so I am starting over. Maybe because I'm sick of me, so I'd like to change me a bit. For whatever reason, I'm thinking about it. Not doing too much about it yet, but thinking. :)
One thing that bothered me when I first started thinking about 'the kind of person I want to be' is that pretty high up on my list is "thin." Would being thin define me? I actually really do believe it would. I have been heavy for so long that being thin would remarkably change my life, and I think, family and friend' perceptions of me. Putting aside what I would want to DO as a thin person - truly, to help others who struggle with their weight, I would LOVE that - I think BEING a thin person would truly change my life. Instead of weak, I'd be strong. Instead of slow, I'd be fast. Instead of hating myself, I'd love myself...um, would I?
I am trying to embrace a more peaceful, accepting spirit for myself. I am trying not to self-talk in such a negative, punishing, hurtful way. But how do I get around the fact that when I look in the mirror, and I'm not "the kind of person I want to be", I still have to live with me all day? So because I'm not thin yet - and won't be for several months at the very earliest - I have automatically somewhat failed?
And what about all of the other attributes I want to incorporate into my life. Selflessness, peacefulness, generosity, kindness, Christ-likeness. When others see me, I want them to want what I have - - the love of Christ alive in my life!! So WHY is that farther down my list than being thin?! Why do I spend 10x more time on this, than the characteristics GOD wants me to display? I believe yes, He wants me to be healthy and "thin" is part of being healthy, but I am embarrassed that I spend so much more time obsessing over my body and not as much time on my heart.
I'll never be perfect, ever. But with God's help, I'm going to continue working on 'the kind of person I want to be.' But with some extra emphasis on the whole package, not just the size of my ass.
So, I'm re-reading that book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge, and your post made me think of that ... Every girl wants to be captivating, beautiful.. We all have that desire written into the fabric of our being, just as God wants to be desired by us and captivating to us - as we're made in His image.. and created for intimate relationships - first and foremost with Him..
ReplyDeleteI think the desire to be thin is tangled up in that desire of ours, especially in today's society because that's what we're told is beautiful - being thin. Looking a certain way. So, when we compare ourselves to others and find that we don't measure up, we get down on ourselves and obsess over the need to get on track. Sin so easily creeps into the things that were never intended to distance us from God, but were instead intended to draw us near to Him.. And, it's so much easier to obsess over the things that don't matter than to focus on the things that do matter. It's easier to fall than to rise up to a higher standard.. Makes for a challenging journey in this fallen world...
I'm right there with you, Brynn.
I love you, no matter what size. Always.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Would you stop reading my mind about these kinds of things! :)