runaway

Ok so don't think I'm an Oprah junkie but for the second post in a row I'm going to bring her up.  I know!  I don't want to, but I have to tell you about something I heard on another show she did, that I keep thinking about.  What can I say, I DVR her and watch right before bed (if it's the least bit interesting), so what's really awful, is it's her show I think about right before falling off to sleep.  Ah, it's her last season, our relationship won't last.

So she had on a lady that several years ago, Oprah had been basically grooming to give her own show, as she did Dr Phil and Dr Oz.  She was like a self-help guru.  But they had a falling out, and this was the what-went-wrong show.   The lady basically left Oprah, who wasn't ready to give her a show yet but was going to, for Barbara Walters, who did give her a show right away.  But supposedly the lady was treated badly, and the show only lasted one year.  Oprah said, "We were treating you so good!  Why did you leave?"  And among other reasons, the lady said, "I was home. Yes it didn't feel good, yes they treated me poorly, but it was all I had known my whole life.  I was used to it!  It was familiar to me!  It was comfortable, it was what I deserved." (I'm paraphrasing FYI - hopefully you can tell, as I can't even remember "the lady's" name.  Quotations are simply so I don't confuse myself.)

Well, that comment has just stuck with me!!! You know the saying, "What tastes better than how thin feels?"  Oh this saying used to make me feel like crap!!  I would think, really, what does taste better?  Nothing!  So why am I not just saying 'no' to everything I shouldn't eat, so I can be thin?  WHAT is my problem?!  I'd say to my mom all the time, WHY do I sabotage myself with things that aren't even my favorites?  I'd "do good on my diet" only to blow it with something stupid.  And WHY would I do mundane chores that could absolutely wait, instead of go to the gym?  Why am I holding back?

I'll tell you, it's like a lightbulb went off.  Oprah's famous "a-ha moment."  What tastes better than how thin feels IS HOME.  Familiarity.  Comfort.  Even if home, familiarity, comfort means self-loathing, disgust and guilt.  Even if it means hating looking in the mirror or in other peoples eyes, even if it means being unfit, even if it means feeling less-than because I look more-than.

My whole life, I have felt less-than, and even when I was at a healthy weight, I felt more-than.  My "more" was born out of my "less."  Someone who has never struggled with their weight probably is not getting what I'm saying here, but all you lovelies that have, you get me.

So I am trying to run away from home.  I don't want to live here anymore.  It will be hard, because it's all I've ever known.   It will try to entice me back..."Come on Brynn, wear your favorite sweats, they feel so good and nobody can see you when you wear them.  Remember, they're magic and they make you invisible.  Come on, just a little while, and sit down here on the couch and have a snack.  Don't get crazy now and try to be different - who would know you?  Who would you be?  Let's stop all this nonsense and have a meatball.  I meant 4.  Have 4 meatballs.  And you will feel so much better."

Wish me luck.  It's not easy being a runaway.