Next week we find out Taylor's placement plan for next year. In Marlton where we live, it is still 1/2 day kindergarten. Her teacher and the CST have recommended she be in 1/2 day "normal" and 1/2 day "special" so a full day total. I agree that this is a good idea, for many reasons, but I am VERY nervous about it. I'm nervous for random reasons like "What if she poops during normal kindergarten and won't wipe herself and calls out from the bathroom that she pooped?" No really - I laid awake the other night thinking about that. She has a real resistance to wiping herself - for whatever reason. I told her we are going to work on it over the summer and she said, "You can work on it." Hmm.
Anyway, I am anxious for more serious reasons, too. Is it too long of a day? Will the "normal" kids realize she's different? Will she be teased? Will she miss me and be sad?
And...what on earth am I going to do. My identity is being a mom now. I volunteer many hours being the MOPS coordinator and doing things like making and delivering meals, and now couponing...all of this relates to my "work" as a SAHM. I work just one morning a week in our church's nursery, and that is mommy-ish too. For 8 years come August, I have not worn business attire, I have not been accountable to a boss, I have not filled out reports, made business phone calls, commuted.
For as long as I can remember, the vision I had for myself of being a mom included staying at home. Of course I had totally romanticized it, but all the same, this was what I wanted. And I wouldn't change it for anything. Nobody else saw any of my kids "firsts" and I am too jealous of a person to have been ok with that. I was here for every sickness, every hurt feeling, every happy playdate day, everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. When Bailey was diagnosed with CF, I felt in my heart God would honor my desire to stay home and make a way for us financially. This feeling magnified after Taylor was born and it was obvious she could not have handled daycare. I am thankful to say that He has, and not just for our needs but many wants too. Sometimes I have wondered if I should have worked - not for the money (although at times I pined for it!) but if the girls and I had a bad day, if I lost my temper, if I didn't appreciate the time with them like I should have, let them watch one too many shows. There were days I wondered if they would have done better, learned more, at a daycare. But I know that's not true, our time at home together has been blessed.
But now that both the girls will probably be in school for 7 hrs a day, I am feeling an itch to do something more than all things mommy. I don't know what, I don't know how. I do know that it must fit in with some responsibilities I want to maintain with MOPS and HOPE, and of course being there for my girls. But as the days go by and I think about what God may be preparing me for, I keep thinking HOW am I going to do it? HOW DO WORKING MOMS DO IT?! Really! How do they maintain the home, keep everything paid, clean, food on the table, lunches in the bookbags, running kids to drs, activities, not to mention take care of their husbands and themselves, and still keep their sanity? Most jobs have some take-home work. How do you do that at night, while also throwing in a few loads of laundry, dinner, cleaning up dinner, homework, bath and bedtime - and also have time to actually talk to your kids? This is scaring me!! I don't want to be a half-ass mom, wife, employee. Because I am the kind of person that can't have too much going on. Many people seem to be able to do it all, and they are still smiling!! But I fear I will be miserable. Financially, I could still stay home - but Kevin doesn't want to stay in sales forever, and I don't think it's quite fair for me to live out my dreams, like staying at home, while he pays for them. Does that make sense? He doesn't think of it like that, but I know at some point he'd appreciate the freedom in having a job he's more comfortable with, than has to have. And really, I'm feeling an itch. But no job will be worth the expense of my family, so I am so hopeful there is something perfect out there. Part-time maybe, no summers. No holidays. An understanding boss when I have to call out sick bc Bailey or Taylor need me. Is there such a job?
I am praying to have eyes to see the direction God wants for me and my family. I have a few ideas, but basically I have no clue. In the meantime, I want to "ready" myself and my house as much as possible before taking on a job...like closet cleaning, picture albums, garage clean-out. We'll see what happens!
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